[SoftBoiledLife]

@Chelsaroo



What do you find so scary about counseling? Why don't you give it a shot? You seem to already have an understanding of what's driving your actions. Why don't you meet with someone who'll walk you through the therapy process toward improving yourself?

[Memphisto]

I don't know why I keep going back to someone who continuously jerks me around, almost for fun, it seems. I have had abusive relationships before, guys who were narcississtic, who had anger problems, and manipulation was a common thing. I would go to guess that I seem to be familiar with the emotional distress of being around someone who abuses me because I lived in a volatile household with a schizophrenic father who was distant and very critical. I believe I've come to accept that sort of treatment as the only kind that I can deal with I guess... so I probably subconsciously go for men who are distant, critical, and inexplicably cruel to me because its kind of all I know... I have considered counseling many times but I don't ever go through with it. It seems scary.

And @Sela, I know I should've listened... everyone in my family was pretty upset with me because I should have known better.

@Chelsaroo
I can relate... I came from a dysfunctional household and was in an emotionally abusive relationship for many years... I was also afraid to go to counseling and finally went in the last couple years because I reached a breaking point. It really changed my life... I was terrified to go, and it wasn't easy. I had to face a lot of things from my past and about myself. It's hard to take a good look at yourself and put in the work to make changes. But 2 years later...I am in such a different place. I'm by no mens "cured". I still fear going into another manipulative, dysfunctional relationship. I still have plenty of "issues". But I have tools now that I never had before to recognize when these types of situations present themselves and deal with myself and my own emotions.

I can't stress enough how much it will change your life if you can just find the courage to go. I'm really sorry this has happened to you... I can relate all to well to some of what you're going through. I hope that you'll walk away like the others here have advised and consider counseling. I also understand if you don't...as family and friends tried to get me to go for many years. I look back and wish I hadn't waited until I was 34 years old to go... So many things could've been different much sooner. *hug*

[niss]

I don't know why I keep going back to someone who continuously jerks me around,...

Counseling is not nearly as scary as being in an abusive relationship:

Abuse: Warning Signs and Types

[Lilsnowy]

How does not wanting any ex-boyfriends in the picture while in a committed relationship make a guy jealous? Why even introduce it into the relationship if you're so happy?

Personally, I don't put up with that crap. I'm not a jealous guy, I just think it's disrespectful. I hold others to the same high standards that I hold myself to. I would never even imagine doing something like this.

It doesn't matter how small you think the lie is. You broke trust. I don't speak for every ISTJ on here, but if you break my trust, you're done. Forever.

In fact, I've dumped a girl for this same exact reason. I found out she sent an e-mail to an ex to wish him happy b-day, then lied about it to my face. 1.5 year relationship done. Just. Like. That. NASFWG. Haven't talked to her since.

Good luck gaining an ISTJ's trust back once you have broken it.

I'm not an ISTJ, so I'm sure I'll see things differently, but most women don't hide things unless they fear dire consequences for telling the truth. If a woman has integrity in her relationship, there should be nothing wrong with sending an ex a card. But the poster said her boyfriend was terribly jealous. Men say they aren't jealous, but what is a better definition of jealously than feeling a deep resentment toward a rival or perceived rival?

If you aren't friends with your exes, it might be hard to imagine it could be ok. Some of us remain friends. We can break up without having to win and without writing each other out of our lives. That may seem inconceivable, but it's normal for a lot of people.

Another ISTJ told me once, while venting, that he lived by high standards and he expected everyone else to live by them too. But he really only expected people to live his way, while he frequently judged everyone else as wrong. Not saying that's what you're doing, but it can happen.

It may be a point of growth to accept that no one can or should control an SO's choices of friends. If she can maintain a platonic friendship or aquaintance with an ex --or with anyone else she chooses-- why shouldn't you respect her enough to stretch a bit and accept it?

@Chelsaroo, JUST SAY NO.

[Sela]

If a woman has integrity in her relationship, there should be nothing wrong with sending an ex a card.

Some of us remain friends. We can break up without having to win and without writing each other out of our lives. That may seem inconceivable, but it's normal for a lot of people.

1. He's an EX for a reason. I can't imagine that I'd WANT to do this; see #2.
2. It IS inconceivable to this ISTJ; I really cannot wrap my mind around it. Why would someone have ANY desire whatsoever to pretend at a veneer of civility toward someone that figuratively crushed him/her under their bootheel after revealing their innermost thoughts, aspirations, dreams, desires, and yes ... feelings? (i.e., the ex made their bed and now they have to sleep in it sans greeting card)

No. Thank. You.

[Morphyous]

how do you act when you secretly like someone? does 'wanting to study together' & teasing mean something?

Yes and yes. I wouldn't feel comfortable teasing someone if I didn't like them. I obviously don't want to hurt them, but I would definitely want them to know they can tease me back.

[Morphyous]

I don't know why I keep going back to someone who continuously jerks me around, almost for fun, it seems.

Because NF have good ability to read what others are feeling, and because of that, you feel that you can connect and help others. Let us help you fix you problem: Leave him.

What you want to be good at is reading people's values, and an ISTJ does it by watching what people say and do.

[Morphyous]

If a woman has integrity in her relationship, there should be nothing wrong with sending an ex a card.

It was wrong because she said absolutely nothing to the ISTJ. She assumed it was okay to do it without telling the ISTJ what was going on, when she KNEW he would be mad about it. The ex could be his best friend or a serial killer, the fact is that this shows that there are no boundaries for who she will reach out to. It confuses the heck out of an ISTJ because we're supposed to learn from our mistakes, not repeat them.

[Doback]

I'm not an ISTJ, so I'm sure I'll see things differently, but most women don't hide things unless they fear dire consequences for telling the truth. If a woman has integrity in her relationship, there should be nothing wrong with sending an ex a card. But the poster said her boyfriend was terribly jealous. Men say they aren't jealous, but what is a better definition of jealously than feeling a deep resentment toward a rival or perceived rival?

If you aren't friends with your exes, it might be hard to imagine it could be ok. Some of us remain friends. We can break up without having to win and without writing each other out of our lives. That may seem inconceivable, but it's normal for a lot of people.

Another ISTJ told me once, while venting, that he lived by high standards and he expected everyone else to live by them too. But he really only expected people to live his way, while he frequently judged everyone else as wrong. Not saying that's what you're doing, but it can happen.

It may be a point of growth to accept that no one can or should control an SO's choices of friends. If she can maintain a platonic friendship or aquaintance with an ex --or with anyone else she chooses-- why shouldn't you respect her enough to stretch a bit and accept it?

@Chelsaroo, JUST SAY NO.

Hypothetically, if we were dating......

You would be 100% ok with all my hot exes still in the picture? You wouldn't think that reaching out to them via cards, text messages, etc is disrespectful to you and the relationship?

I find it hard to believe you would be 100% ok with this.

I'm with @Sela, I cannot wrap my mind around how this is ok in a committed relationship.

I could care less if you have interactions with other men you haven't had sexual/emotional relations with. I'm up front about it in my relationships. When she asks to be exclusive, I ask her if there are still any exes in the picture. If she says yes, then I tell her we can leave things where they are. If she says no, then I find out later she lied about it....GONE. I fail to see how this is jealousy. Or controlling, or smothering. Whatever you want to call it. It's about accountability and respect. I refuse to be shit on, then come back for more.

I'm not saying I'm right, and you're wrong, but in my experiences, exes lurking in the background is bad news. I have yet to be proven otherwise, which is why I think this way.

[niss]

I'm not an ISTJ, so I'm sure I'll see things differently, but most women don't hide things unless they fear dire consequences for telling the truth. If a woman has integrity in her relationship, there should be nothing wrong with sending an ex a card. But the poster said her boyfriend was terribly jealous. Men say they aren't jealous, but what is a better definition of jealously than feeling a deep resentment toward a rival or perceived rival?

If you aren't friends with your exes, it might be hard to imagine it could be ok. Some of us remain friends. We can break up without having to win and without writing each other out of our lives. That may seem inconceivable, but it's normal for a lot of people.

Another ISTJ told me once, while venting, that he lived by high standards and he expected everyone else to live by them too. But he really only expected people to live his way, while he frequently judged everyone else as wrong. Not saying that's what you're doing, but it can happen.

It may be a point of growth to accept that no one can or should control an SO's choices of friends. If she can maintain a platonic friendship or aquaintance with an ex --or with anyone else she chooses-- why shouldn't you respect her enough to stretch a bit and accept it?

I don't believe that hiding things because of dire consequences is tied to gender as much as it is tied to the human existence.

Having integrity only means that an individual is acting out of what they believe to be right, not what is necessarily correct for the relationship. The sending of a card to an ex could be wrong if it is damaging to the current relationship.

Men and women are both prone to jealousy - and both deny it. A better definition is a fear of loss of what is rightfully ours - in this case, a relationship with our SO.

While an ENFP might approach a break up with a shrug and an "oh well, that didn't work out," an ISTJ will not do so. When the ISTJ faces the break up of a committed relationship, it invokes a large amount of distrust in the other individual. An ex will remain outside of the trusted realm for the rest of our life.

It may be a point of growth to understand that all friendships are not equal, and some may be detrimental to a relationship with a SO. If one partner feels threatened by a relationship held by the other partner, it is usually because they perceive that relationship to be potentially harmful to their current relationship with their SO. Therefore, they are not trying to control the individual as much as they are trying to control a potential threat to their relationship with their SO.

SWMBO has every right to express concern and demand transparency from me in any area that she perceives as a threat to our relationship, as do I from her. That level of transparent commitment is what keeps us going during the times when the relationship doesn't feel particularly loving - When we know that each loves only the other by their forsaking all others to be in this relationship.

HTH