[sparkles]

Different question: If you knew your partner for several months before dating (in the committed way, not the casual way), but had not been dating long, how would you react if your partner tried to discuss a potentially heavy relationship thing with you? Would you be grateful at the honesty, openness, and solution-focused attitude, or would you be freaked out about it? To put it another way, do you have internal timelines for when certain kinds of topics are acceptable for discussion, or if it comes to a potential problem area would you prefer to talk it through anyway?

[Stephen]

Different question: If you knew your partner for several months before dating (in the committed way, not the casual way), but had not been dating long, how would you react if your partner tried to discuss a potentially heavy relationship thing with you? Would you be grateful at the honesty, openness, and solution-focused attitude, or would you be freaked out about it? To put it another way, do you have internal timelines for when certain kinds of topics are acceptable for discussion, or if it comes to a potential problem area would you prefer to talk it through anyway?

If it's on her mind, I want to hear it. I firmly believe that the only problem we can't solve is a secret one.

[sparkles]

So, Stephen, you pay no attention to the length of time you've been with that person? Any topic is a "safe" topic? I guess I can see how, if the ISTJ has made the mental commitment to the person, there are no lines drawn based on the birthday of the pairing, and he or she would step into that role fully. Is that kind of where your answer is coming from?

[Stephen]

So, Stephen, you pay no attention to the length of time you've been with that person? Any topic is a "safe" topic? I guess I can see how, if the ISTJ has made the mental commitment to the person, there are no lines drawn based on the birthday of the pairing, and he or she would step into that role fully. Is that kind of where your answer is coming from?

That's how I feel, yes. I can't speak for other ISTJs on this topic, though.

[Marie Claire]

What?!? Do you have the source for that? Lol.


I think a lot about mbti compatibility, even though any two types can work together. There are a couple of theories out there, but from my observation, the ISTJ-INFP pairing is very common. Why is that?? Half of the adult ISTJ women I know are married to INFPs!! I haven't found one married ESFP-ISTJ couple yet-still searching for that!! Maybe there will be discoveries of new personality theories in the future that will explain these compatibilities!! Why is one pairing more common than another, etc.

I have to admit that I find many ISTJs attractive. It has more to do with their way of being than the physical. (Although many ISTJs are physically attractive.) ;-) I'm drawn to their calmness and self-confidence. They're sometimes a little shy, but it's sexy...I'm blushing.

[niss]

That's how I feel, yes. I can't speak for other ISTJs on this topic, though.

Personally, I concur.

[Yardiff Bey]

I have to admit that I find many ISTJs attractive. It has more to do with their way of being than the physical. (Although many ISTJs are physically attractive.) ;-) I'm drawn to their calmness and self-confidence. They're sometimes a little shy, but it's sexy...I'm blushing.

Dunno if the calmness and self-confidence is normal - haven't felt that way myself recently. Very unsettled, which is quite upsetting personally.

Might be my 9w1 enneagram trying to exert itself or something.

[pinkrasputin]

I think a lot about mbti compatibility, even though any two types can work together. There are a couple of theories out there, but from my observation, the ISTJ-INFP pairing is very common. Why is that?? Half of the adult ISTJ women I know are married to INFPs!! I haven't found one married ESFP-ISTJ couple yet-still searching for that!! Maybe there will be discoveries of new personality theories in the future that will explain these compatibilities!! Why is one pairing more common than another, etc.

Okay, scratch the record!!

I'm going to go back on what I previously said about not being into MBTI theories because now I think you do have a point.

Last night I was hanging out with a guy we thought was an ISTJ. We are casually dating. He agreed to taking an MBTI test and he came out ESTJ. Now that is two ESTJs that have been attracted to me in a row. Plus, I have an ESTJ best friend who I can literally spend hours with (we just did a 16 hour drive together for a marathon.) In addition, I know an ENFP male happily married to an ESTJ.

In the case of INFP and ISTJ, their functions are

INFP (Fi>Ne>Si>Te)
ISTJ (Si>Te>Fi>Ne)

In the case of ENFP and ESTJ, their functions are

ENFP (Ne>Fi>Te>Si)
ESTJ (Te>Si>Ne>Fi)

In those above combos, the dominant functions are in the same attitude. In other words, introvert with introvert and extrovert with extrovert. This allows for a lot of commonalities with hobbies and past times.

In addition, there are no conflicting dominant perceiving functions. With ISTJ/INFP- Si is dealing more with Fi instead of heavy intuition. With ENFP/ESTJ combo-Ne deals more with their ESTJ's partners dominant Te, rather than heavy Si. So the differences in perception and how we take in information is more watered down in these combos.

Another point I'll explain will be in the case of the ENFP/ESTJ combo. My ESTJ partner's dominant function is Te. Te is my tertiary function. Most types have peace with their tertiary function and use it to some degree. In my case, I love strengthening my tertiary function so it makes me very interested in a person who uses it well. I like to whip mine out every now and then and pride myself on how I've cultivated it over the years. I would think that alone would make me more agreeable with a Te dom partner as well as earn my admiration. You should go into the ENFP forum sometime and read how most of the ENFPs love to say "I have strong use of my Te." Lol it's like something we hold in very high esteem.

I also notice my ESTJ partners and friend do not mind my Ne. In fact, it always shocks me when I find out they are not an intuitive because they really do use it quite well. They are very open-minded people and can look at the "bigger picture". But because Ne is not their strongest function, they often get stymied. They can get stuck on detail. This is only bad when getting stuck on detail causes them great stress. It is at this time they are usually more than appreciative when I help them out. They like when I give them a bigger perspective. Perhaps they also like their tertiary function (Ne) in themselves and respect a person who uses it well? In a similar way, I know I love when a Te dom bales me out when I get stuck. And because they love executing their Te dominant function so much, they rarely judge me when they have to use theirs to help me. In fact, they are more than willing to do it. It seems we are both very receptive to improving our tertiary functions in a safe atmosphere.

I'm wondering if INFPs don't mind using and strengthening their tertiary function Si? Especially after college age when we start to be pretty good at using our tertiary function? Could it also be that ISTJs don't mind strengthening or being around subjective feeling Fi?

My ideas can support the theory that differing perceiving functions can cause the most conflict in relationships. And as I've said earlier, those perceiving differences are not as obvious in these two combos. Plus there is room for mutual admiration and common lifestyle.

[rawr_sheila]

@pinkrasputin

I also notice my ESTJ partners and friend do not mind my Ne. In fact, it always shocks me when I find out they are not an intuitive because they really do use it quite well. They are very open people and can look at the "bigger picture", and when they get stuck not being able to do it (they can get stuck on detail), they are more than appreciative when I help them out. They like when I give them a bigger perspective. Perhaps they also like their tertiary function (Ne) in themselves and respect a person who uses it well.

Yes, I've noticed this about ESTJs too.

I'm wondering if INFPs don't mind using and strengthening their tertiary function Si? Especially after college age when we start to be pretty good at using our tertiary function? Could it also be that ISTJs don't mind strengthening or being around subjective feeling Fi.

Idk about INFPs, but I know ISTJs soften up over time. Because it's Fi, you may not see it.

My ideas can support the theory that different perceiving functions can cause the most conflict in relationships. And as I've said earlier, those perceiving differences are not as obvious in these two combos. Plus there is room for mutual admiration and common lifestyle.

I agree with this. What I'd like to know is why is one pairing more common than another? It probably does have to do with the way the functions are in order. With what you mentioned about common lifestyle, I know that ISTJs and INFPs value lots of alone time, quiet, and peace. They both prefer the comfortable, relaxed way of life rather than a fast-pace. I've read most of this book, Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type. It explains a lot about building relationships (not just with SOs but with family, friends, etc.).

On the ISTJ forum, a lot of the same types ask questions about relationships with ISTJs. Why do these types appear more often than the others (despite the fact that there are more N users than Sensors)? They must be more commonly paired with ISTJs, and why is that? I'm not sure if I'm phrasing these questions right

[jgirl]

I need some help/advise from an ISTJ perspective. (I'm new to this, so I apologize in advance if I break any unwritten rules). Background info:
*I am an ENFP female who has been dating an ISTJ male for about 6 months
*Things have been a roller coaster ride
*I have read a lot of these threads and done tons of research trying to understand how our personalities interact.
*I've found that I understand the typical stuff as to why we clash or why I don't feel "loved" sometimes
*My SO and I had a really bad argument a couple of weeks, almost broke up (actually twice) but have since then talked things through. We understand that we are different and will have to bend in certain areas to make each other feel good about the relationship. When I've been close to giving up, he always comes through and puts some serious effort forth (I'm just a little put out that it keeps coming to this.)

I would love to pick your brains and get your thoughts on a million and one topics, but for right now, I have one focus. It seems to be as he tries to upset me at times and get a reaction (usually jealou one) out of me. He has admitted that he tends to get worked up sometimes when I say things, so then he in turn tries to make me mad.

Example: A guy friend of mine text me. I text him back. It was innocent and in plain view of my SO. I hide nothing from him. So then he decides to show me videos and pictures on his phone but then tells me there may be some I'm not allowed to see. Of course, I give him the "shut up" look and he immediately says he's just joking. Although, while we're going through pics on his phone, he turns his phone so I can't see it when he goes through a couple of photos.

I don't really think he has anything innapropriate on his phone, he's not that kind of guy. I just feel like maybe he's trying to make me think he does. It seems a little immature to me.

Example: He has a bachelor party coming up. I really hate the whole strip club thing (had a bad experience with an ex and strippers), but I know it's part of it and I can trust him. However, I did let him know it bothered me, why it bothered me, but that I trusted him and wanted him to go and have a good time at the party. One day, I made a joke about a list of things I considered cheating and "deal breakers" like: no touching someone else's lady parts, no letting anyone touch his "parts", no kissing, etc. Just no brainer stuff and I was joking. Actually told him I was joking. I knew he didn't need a list of things not to do. He took it pretty seriously.

We squashed that situation and it hasn't come up for a good three weeks. Then out of the blue last night he asks for the "stripper" list. He was with friends having some drinks. I tried not to engage and asked if he really wanted to bring that up again. He said his friends wanted to know. So, I promptly told him I didn't think it was funny, didn't appreciate being a joke to he and his friends and that he could do what he wanted. If I feel it crosses a line, I'll end things. Also, I don't like the type of guy who goes crazy over strippers and stuff like that and I would rather know he's like that now then later.

He follows up with a, "Do you really think I'm that guy," and "I wasn't trying to start shit." I know he's not that guy but I feel like he tries so hard sometimes to make me feel he's that type of guy and I don't understand. I like him just how he is.

Another example: We were out at a bar and he pointed out a woman and told me she was the new manufacturing engineer assigned to his group. I really didn't think anything of it. She's cute but nothing I would feel threatened by. That was the end of the conversation. The next evening he brought it up again, and I told him it didn't bother me. I really didn't think she was all that cute. He began to argue with me about how hot she is. It was way over the line. It didn't bother me at all until that point, but then I began to get upset. I told him he crossed a line. Unless I have a reason to worry, I don't need to know how hot he thinks every other girl is.

We discussed that situation for days. He says that he just wanted me to know that he was working with her some and that he thought she was hot. I don't buy that, though. I think he was trying for a reaction out of me, and when he didn't get it, he stepped it up. I told him that if he wanted to be with her or any other girl, he would. There was nothing I could do about. And he got all defensive saying he didn't mean it like that. It was supposed to be just purely informational.

I know this is a lot to read. I just need some confirmation that my suspicions are true. That he is trying to make me jealous and maybe why he feels the need to do that? Is there anything I can do to try and stop it? It may very well cost us both this relationship and that's a shame, because we're otherwise pretty great together.