[ISTJ] ISTJ and control in relationships - Page 2

ISTJ and control in relationships

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This is a discussion on ISTJ and control in relationships within the ISTJ Forum - The Duty Fulfillers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by tnredhead Thanks, this is really insightful and can't be a pleasant admission to make. You think ISTJ ...

  1. #11
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by tnredhead View Post
    Thanks, this is really insightful and can't be a pleasant admission to make. You think ISTJ is a fear-based type? Do you think ISTJs have a fairly common fear, or that the ISTJ type results from how we each deal with our own specific fears? Sorry, just trying to understand this stuff better.

    I really dislike controlling people and like Out0fAmmo, I do my best to avoid them. However, if I were to be completely honest, I would say that I do have the urge to be controlling of others at times. I just beat that ugly beast down because I don't want to be that. I suppose I should start looking at my motivations for wanting to control others before I break out the club, huh? :-)

    Upon first assessment, I really can't see any advantages of controlling others....
    Actually, it is not a hard admission to make. It was hard to understand, at first. And when the revelation first occurred, it was decidedly unpleasant. However, once known and understood, it becomes apparent that this is a common trait among ISTJs--and most of the ISTJs in this world will go to their grave never understanding this about themselves. Since it is common to us all, it is something that requires our awareness, something we guard against, and not something we treat as a character flaw.

    Fear is a primary motivator of ISTJs. The majority of our actions can be traced either directly or indirectly, to fear. We have individual fears, and we have fears common to our type. They all play a role.

    No ISTJ will set out to control someone. We find that a repugnant behavior. We set out to control a task, and the people near us, particularly those either directly connected to us as a person, or connected to the task, end up being controlled--without our own realization.

    And we qualify it, if we are confronted with it. Remember, we didn't set out to control others--it's a natural extension of our focus on the task--people are a resource and we tend to manage them as such. So we can easily and logically rationalize our controlling behaviors.
    Tuttle, Mercer, Sela and 8 others thanked this post.

  2. #12
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by niss View Post
    The reality is that we as ISTJs fear, and based on that fear are motivated to control our environment, including the people in it. We don't have to live that way, but it is one of our most basic motivations.
    I'd like to expand on the front end of this a little, if I may:

    ISTJs need security and predictability in every facet of their life. That, in and of itself, isn't inherently wrong. The fear is created when the ISTJ is unable to find an acceptable level of security and predictability outside of themselves. That fear tells the ISTJ, "Hey! Something is different/wrong/unacceptable over here! You've got to do something to make it 'right' again!" And it so easy for the ISTJ to slip into this fear because Ne is their least-used function: inferior Ne conjures up all sorts of of terrible outcomes if different aspects of their relationships don't fit neatly into their Si/Te mold.

    So yes, I do think ISTJs need a certain amount of control in their relationships (work, romantic, parent/child, friend, and so on).
    lirulin, niss, Sela and 6 others thanked this post.

  3. #13
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    I think it's a matter of loving stability and fearing instability. When trouble strikes, without a pillar to lean upon, our feathers get easily ruffled.
    niss, Sela, Rhee and 3 others thanked this post.

  4. #14
    ISTP - The Mechanics

    Hm. I do fear loss.

    In response to the OP, yes, I am controlling to some degree in intimate relationships. It is partially fueled by that fear of loss, but I also want to be a pillar of protection and support for my partner. I do not want to control anyone else as I prefer to leave people to choose as they see fit. Just the one, and only if she accepts that and chooses to be controlled. Submissive qualities are very attractive to me.
    niss, Sela, Rhee and 2 others thanked this post.

  5. #15
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers


    I'm still young, and as most young guys I struggle with how to act around the fairer sex. I havent had a girlfriend for 2 years, I've been trying but can't bring myself to get close to someone. Anyway, the last two relationships I was controling in a sexual aspect. They say you will always encounter the same type of people over and over agian until you change yourself. Well, I tend to attract masochists. One in particular didn't want anything to do with me socially, but still wanted a sexual relationship. So we met in private on a daily basis. One thing I noticed was she was the one who broght the restraints we used, she came to find me everyday, she (at the end) would decide if I could kiss her on the mouth. So who was REALLY in control. The only thing I really did to assume control was end it. We discussed, a while ago, the prospect of "topping form the bottom".
    niss, Sela, Rhee and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #16
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Wow, @niss, you've given me a lot to think about. So when I say "I'm not controlling", I'm not being fully objective or aware of how I really am?
    niss, Sela and tnredhead thanked this post.

  7. #17
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by Out0fAmmo View Post
    Wow, @niss, you've given me a lot to think about. So when I say "I'm not controlling", I'm not being fully objective or aware of how I really am?
    Think about how and who we are, as ISTJs. Carefully read what @Tuttle wrote--She's really sharp. Read your first post in this thread--notice the ambiguous qualifier? (who is the arbiter of "reason"?) Go back and read other things you've written in various threads--especially those describing how things "should be." (That is a defining statement for ISTJs--we are called inspectors and duty-fulfillers because of our tendency to make things how they "should be.")

    You are in the military, right? As an organization, the military is all about making things as they should be, so there is not a lot of need for you to work toward getting others to do what they should do--there are systems in place for that purpose. In the civilian work world, those systems are much weaker. In close personal relationships, those systems can't even be called systems. When there is a lack of order, it is very easy for an ISTJ to step in and create order. In doing so, we control what is around us, including the people. We may be "sneaky" as Rhee puts it, but we do it, nonetheless.

    So to answer your question, yes--we tend to lack objectivity in this area.

    HTH
    Tuttle, Sela, Rhee and 5 others thanked this post.

  8. #18
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by niss View Post
    No ISTJ will set out to control someone. We find that a repugnant behavior. We set out to control a task, and the people near us, particularly those either directly connected to us as a person, or connected to the task, end up being controlled--without our own realization.
    ^ This x 1000. We do little things like this dozens of times a day and don't even realize it. When the people become resentful, we're like, "Wha??? ... Why are they getting all emotional and nasty over this?"
    niss, Rhee, daniela123 and 3 others thanked this post.

  9. #19
    INFP - The Idealists

    Hmm...interesting. I need to read this, and read it again until I grasp what's being discussed here. I've noticed things about ISTJ that have sparked red flags but I haven't decided if they're deal breakers or not. They're little things, they seem harmless, but until I figure it out, he remains in the friend zone. I am naturally pretty submissive, I have no desire to be in control. But I'm also very independent and this could be a big source of conflict in a relationship.
    Tuttle, niss, Sela and 3 others thanked this post.

  10. #20
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by darkestar View Post
    I have no desire to be in control. But I'm also very independent
    For me, being independent = being in control. Not being in control of things means that I have to rely on the whim of others' fancy, which leaves me dependent on them ... and if they flake out, I'm screwed. Not a good place for me to be.
    Memphisto, lirulin, niss and 2 others thanked this post.


 
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