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How to deal with stupid people

[ISTJ] 
6K views 36 replies 17 participants last post by  Sela 
#1 ·
I was writing a story about last night, but I accidently hit enter...

Anyway, I usually avoid stupid people, but sometimes they are unavoidable. How do you guys deal with people that piss you off?
 
#5 ·
Here is the story I was going to post:

Last night a group of us went out to see a well known comedian at a local comedy club. We were drinking beforehand, but apart from my ENFP roommate, everyone was taking it easy. He is a really fun guy to be around when he's sober, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, he becomes my worst nightmare. Just before we left for the show, he decided to change into his Halloween costume (Where's Waldo, and yes, Halloween was last weekend) so more people would notice him.

We take our seats, and I notice immediately that he is the only one drunk in the group, and he is halfway to blacking out. He immediately starts ordering expensive double mixed drinks two at a time, and I know from experience that this will mean we'll probably get kicked out before the main act takes the stage. He was being loud and obnoxious, and he was starting to annoy the tables around us. When the emcee took the stage, and finding that he wasn't the center of attention anymore, my roommate started to act disruptive. He started texting everyone, throwing ice cubes around, laughing hysterically at everything, pounding the table, bitching at us for not drinking as much as him, hitting on my other roommate's date, heckling, and basically ruining the show for everyone around him.

I'm usually a very calm person and it takes a lot to piss me off. I also have a lot of experience dealing with drunks from college, but I've always been able to get away from people that are rubbing me the wrong way, before I have a problem with it. This was just too much for me to take. I was furious, and it basically ruined the night for me. Even when he passed out for a good 15-20 minutes during the headliner's set, I still couldn't focus on the act, as I was too busy smoldering in my head and thinking about how badly I was going to beat the living daylights out of him after the show.

After the show, he tries to sneak backstage, but when you look like Waldo with a drinking problem, you aren't exactly inconspicuous. The comedian eventually comes out a little bit later to shake hands and take pictures. When he made it over to us, Waldo thought it would be a good idea to pick him up, which the comedian clearly was not cool with and became very angry. He left in a hurry before I could get a good photo with him.

To top the night off, when we got back to the house, he threw a chair against the ceiling and continued to smash it into pieces for no reason. Then, the he grabbed a megaphone that we have to go wake up my other roommate who has to work early. This was the straw the broke the camels back, for me. I took the megaphone from him and slapped him so hard that it knocked him to the floor (I probably would have knocked him out cold, if I had used a closed fist), and berated him for ruining my night, then went to sleep.

I woke up this morning, and the house was completely destroyed. Apparently, he went out to the bar after I left, and threw food all around the house, in addition to breaking more furniture.

Anyway, this was a situation where I ignored him for as long as I could, and it really didn't do anything for me. I sent him an email this morning, saying he pissed a lot of people off last night, and that he needs to grow up and maybe cut out the alcohol. He hasn't responded yet, but I think he'll end up just giving me some half-assed insincere apology when I see him tonight. From dealing with other friends that act like this in the past, they don't see this kind of behavior as being a problem, they just see themselves as having fun and that if anyone has a problem, it's me for judging them and telling them how to live their lives. Within 2 weeks, he'll be back to doing the same shenanigans.

I know it's long, but how would you guys have handled this? Have you dealt with friends like this before?
 
#12 ·
...and I know from experience that this will mean we'll probably get kicked out before the main act takes the stage...I know it's long, but how would you guys have handled this? Have you dealt with friends like this before?
You lost me at "from experience." If this had happened in the past, I would have already had a new room mate. Yes, I would have had him arrested for public intoxication.

I enjoy people and having a good time, but this is plain nuts. I do not tolerate fools, gladly.
 
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#6 ·
My first thought was that you should have called the police and had him taken to the drunk tank to sleep it off. My second thought, now that the incident has passed, is that you and your other roommates should collectively give him notice (i.e., tell him he has to move out).
Since you indicated that this has been a problem before, and that it will likely continue to be a pattern in the future, you need to send a strong message that won't be brushed off easily.
 
#8 ·
Realistically though, can you kick him out? If this guy helps pay the rent, and you couldn't afford this guy's rent and can't find another roommate to help pay for the lease, maybe you have to keep him.

I'd say kick him out if you can find another roommate or could afford the rent on your own though. That kind of behavior is unacceptable.
 
#9 ·
If it's unacceptable, then he's got to go, whether they think they can't afford the rent or not. My opinion is that if all of the remaining parties sit down and draw up a budget based on the reduced number of occupants, they'll have an idea where they need to cut other things out. For instance, cutting two fast-food meals per week will save approximately $15 per person.

Example:
$15 x 3 remaining roommates x 4 weeks to a month = $180 saved right there.

Same thing for premium coffees (let's use Starbucks in this instance). Let's say that each roommate drinks it twice per week.
$5 x twice a week x 3 remaining roommates x 4 weeks to a month = an additional $120 saved.

These obviously aren't the only things that can be saved, but they ARE a couple of examples that can be drawn upon. My POINT is that despite the financial crunch, you CANNOT condone this behavior. While the roommate may be an obnoxious drunk, he's also no dummy, and if you keep him around simply because of his ability to contribute financially, you are giving your tacit approval to what he does.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Being an ENFP, I know first-hand what happens when one of us gets a little too far into the alcohol. It either goes well or the night ends poorly for everyone involved. Dealing with ISTJ friends that have similar issues (I usually get "You're an ENFP. How do I deal with him/her?" like I'm supposed to know...?) comes in handy.

First off, you mentioned that this has happened before and you both are aware of what happens when he gets drunk. This should make it easy to draw the conclusion that he is aware of the limit of alcohol he can consume before he gets to this point. He really should have adhered to this limit and not ordered any more than that. Secondly, someone in the group, most ideally you, should have tried to cut him off at that limit. I'm assuming here that no one did this, but I would be glad to be corrected on this point.

Secondly, he should have been escorted out of the building when he was being disruptive to people around him. There should have been no need to involve police; just find a security guard and explain the situation. If things escalate with the guard, then gladly let the authorities handle it. Let him spend the night in jail and have that on his record. Maybe it would make him think next time.

Another point that someone brought up was that he needs to be evicted ASAP. In some ways, that would be an excellent choice. But first, I would suggest that you assess the damages he did to the apartment itself (marks/holes to the walls, stains anywhere, etc.) and make sure your landlord knows about them so they can be fixed if needed. Get any repairs needed priced and collect a list of the cost. Confront him with the cost of damage and add this to why he's being confronted.

Lastly, I believe there is no excuse for acting so disruptive that it causes others discomfort or it is damaging to property. I like to have fun as much as any other person, and I even like to be loud and excited, but there are times and places for everything. Being drunk and doing all of that didn't fit the time or place, and it caused you and many others an unpleasant night. Since you said this has happened before, and it seems you have confronted him before as well, I think kicking him out is the best option. As was said before, there are many ways to cut back and be better for it. There is always a way to make ends meet, and it can be done. His part of rent and such is not worth the damage and stress he is placing on you and your other room mate.

I hope I helped, and I suppose it is a bit long... But I'm too tired to go back and revise everything. Please bear with my babbling and annoyance at this guy. ^^;


PS. Sela, I just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't already... x is 5. :) It's a 3-4-5 triangle. That's probably the first "real world" application to my trigonometry class I have seen... Yay?
 
#17 ·
PS. Sela, I just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't already... x is 5. :) It's a 3-4-5 triangle. That's probably the first "real world" application to my trigonometry class I have seen... Yay?
Thanks for your .02 to the OP's situation. I'm sure he appreciates advice from all angles.

Having said that ... I had no idea, hence the smart-allecky avatar. Even though I consider myself to be pretty smart in my business classes, I'm soooooooo terrible at anything other than basic arithmetic (and am glad I'm DONE with Algebra and Accounting!). Thanks for the answer! :happy:
 
#18 ·
Thanks for all the input. Eviction and arrest seems to be the common answer from the ISTJs here, but I'm beginning to think some of you guys would call the police on your own kids, if you caught them doing something wrong.

He is a close friend, and he is moving out by Christmas, so I'm not going to force eviction on him. My other roommates and I confronted him about the night the following day. He has apologized (though it was insincere), cleaned the house up, and fixed/paid for everything he had broken.

Trying to cut him off when he is drunk, doesn't work. If anything, it makes him drink more and he purposefully becomes a bigger obnoxious douchebag to me, as a result. I'm often seen as being "the Fun Police" by similar friends in the past.

I'm actually surprised he wasn't thrown out of the venue, and if it happened I wouldn't try to do anything to stop it. That being said, I'm not going to go out of my way to have security throw out one of my friends, or call the police on him. That is unrealistic, and you guys know it.

In the end, I doubt that anything of similar magnitude will happen around my house until he moves out. When he moved in a month ago, I honestly believed he was turning over a new leaf, as he had cut back on alcohol significantly since college. The only thing that still irks me about the night was that his apology seemed insincere. He implied I blew everything out of proportion that happened and that I should have known what was going to happen when he gets drunk. He has blamed his actions on alcohol and not himself for allowing himself to get drunk at an inappropriate time. After arguing that we aren't in college anymore, and it's time for him to grow the f up, I left. There isn't any point in arguing it further, as I doubt he'll grow up until he knocks some random girl up or gets arrested for drunk driving.

I guess the point of my post was, when placed in a situation that you can't escape from, and someone really is bothering you (i.e. stupid people), how do you, as an ISTJ react? Was the way I reacted similar to what you would do in the same situation and try to ignore it until your breaking point, or would you have done something differently all together? I should have worded it better. That being said, thanks for the advice from everyone.
 
#20 ·
...Eviction and arrest seems to be the common answer from the ISTJs here, but I'm beginning to think some of you guys would call the police on your own kids, if you caught them doing something wrong.

<snip>

I'm actually surprised he wasn't thrown out of the venue, and if it happened I wouldn't try to do anything to stop it. That being said, I'm not going to go out of my way to have security throw out one of my friends, or call the police on him. That is unrealistic, and you guys know it.

<snip>

I guess the point of my post was, when placed in a situation that you can't escape from, and someone really is bothering you (i.e. stupid people), how do you, as an ISTJ react? Was the way I reacted similar to what you would do in the same situation and try to ignore it until your breaking point, or would you have done something differently all together? I should have worded it better. That being said, thanks for the advice from everyone.
At your age, I might have been more unsure of how to handle it...today, not so much. I don't have to call the police on my own kids---I have them convinced I would. That in itself is a huge deterrent to bad behavior. However, they know, push comes to shove, if it's best for them and the safety of others, I absolutely will call the police--on anyone.

Really, I don't get this. You come off as a pretty stable person, but then you have a good friend that is this unhealthy and you just live with it? Like it or not, your friend is a nut job and needs some serious help before he hurts or kills someone in a bout of drunkenness.

Sorry to be so blunt, but when someone is a danger to their self or others, I'll call the authorities, and now.

Srsly.
 
#19 ·
I have to say, I'd have kicked him out too...and no, I wouldn't have my own child arrested (not unless he'd done something really bad, like 33mph in a 30mph zone! :tongue:)

I think I'd have reacted similarly to you. If I feel I can't reason with the person causing the conflict (lets face it, reasoning with drunk people is virtually impossible) then I generally tend to ignore it until I reach breaking point - at which point all hell breaks loose. I guess I ignore it in the hope that it'll go away. Not very confrontational I know, but I don't deal well with unpredictable confrontation (ie - you never know what a pissed person will do) Does that make sense?
 
#21 ·
I was lurking outside my usual area...

Since this person is an ENFP, you could try the mode where you indicate that is makes you feel angry and unhappy to have your night ruined, furniture broken and food thrown all over the house. Since you're close friends, he should take this seriously. I know you are likely to think it's bullshit to appeal to his feelings rather than reason, but clearly the rules are not working for him.

I'd also suggest he get some counseling for the drinking (or whatever is causing it). Binge drinking like that is really dangerous and could get him killed, which would suck for all of you. He'll probably say no, but it could get him thinking.
 
#22 ·
Since this person is an ENFP, you could try the mode where you indicate that is makes you feel angry and unhappy to have your night ruined, furniture broken and food thrown all over the house. Since you're close friends, he should take this seriously. I know you are likely to think it's bullshit to appeal to his feelings rather than reason, but clearly the rules are not working for him.
How could he not know that it makes the OP feel angry and unhappy to have his night and possessions ruined? He just needs to be punched in the face IMO.
 
#33 ·
I ignore them for as long as I can until I just walk away or say something
 
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#36 ·
"Stupid" is such a brode term.

However, I don't have any trouble standing up to a person if I feel offended. As a matter of fact, I like to go face to face in situations like that. Cause I know that if I hadn't, I'd be spending time later on thinking about what I should've said instead of leaving.
 
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