How do you react when put on the spot?

**MyLittleBlackHeart** · 06-28-2010 02:41 PM

I am a pro at expressing myself to an ISTJ that has a HORRIBLE time reacting and expressing.

Presentation is everything.

I never question him...or try to corner him.

It goes something like this and my situation is far more involved but similar in structure:

"I want to give you some information as to how I feel, and need you to understand I have no expectations. If your situation ever changes and you show up at my door....I am never letting you go. I mean that...."

Then I generally have to lighten things up or we both will have a meltdown:

"And anyhow, I have duct tape and a cage......that will make it especially difficult for you to escape."

Then we dont talk for a week.

**If it helps, he has told me on more than one occasion that I am the only one he has ever encountered in his lifetime that truly GETS him. He has even said at one point he understood what people meant by 'soulmate' after having me in his life. Once he laughed and said that we were separated at birth.

If you truly want to communicate, you have to understand how he is going to perceive what you put out there...and that means trying to understand his perspective.

**niss** · 06-28-2010 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by Sunrain

Yeah. I agree with you all too, it's just that it's come to a point where I feel like it's bubbling over and telling him is inevitable because it's on the tip of my tongue and I can't keep it in any longer. No matter what his reaction is, I don't think it's going to cause a massive problem at work... after all we're both adults and as long as I can act like a decent person after I've said something, as in, not start anything with him if he's still with his girlfriend, then I don't see why it should be more of a problem to tell him than to not tell him. Even if he's awkward, then as long as I'm not he'll relax again after a while. It feels fairer somehow to just say it like it is, than to pretend I don't feel anything and try and hold it all in when I can't keep it in any longer anyway. At least that way he has the facts, and if he wants to stay with his girlfriend then at least he can tell me so and withdraw, the flirting will stop, and I can feel like an idiot for a while and then move on. I actually have a feeling that even if I don't say anything next time I see him, that he will... so we'll see if I'm right about that. In any case I feel like I'm going to explode from bottled up emotion, so I think it's going to come out anyway.
Thanks a lot for all your replies :)

Good luck wid it then. Though I must confess, that in matters of emotion, I've never lost by waiting. But I have sure made a fool of myself by acting to impulsively.

**Caius20** · 06-28-2010 08:05 PM

Honestly, the best thing that you can do is to get him out on a small coffee/lunch break/date and tell him there. Do NOT tell him at work. BAD idea. I can't begin to explain how tumultuous that would make my life if someone confessed feelings for me at work. Work is work. Love life is another. Cut. and. dry. Now, if I am out for drinks with a coworker that happens to be cute and tells me she likes me... I would be less inclined to run the hell away from you. haha. I am going to be shocked ( I am VERY oblivious to females that are attracted to me, apparently.), and I am going to retreat into myself. I am going to have to sort it all out, and get back to you. But if you do it at work, I am going to go insane. Please please please, don't tell him at work. Get him to come out to an innocent coworker get together. MUCH better. =P

**Trauma** · 06-28-2010 09:20 PM

Originally Posted by Sunrain

Yeah. I agree with you all too, it's just that it's come to a point where I feel like it's bubbling over and telling him is inevitable because it's on the tip of my tongue and I can't keep it in any longer. No matter what his reaction is, I don't think it's going to cause a massive problem at work... after all we're both adults and as long as I can act like a decent person after I've said something, as in, not start anything with him if he's still with his girlfriend, then I don't see why it should be more of a problem to tell him than to not tell him. Even if he's awkward, then as long as I'm not he'll relax again after a while. It feels fairer somehow to just say it like it is, than to pretend I don't feel anything and try and hold it all in when I can't keep it in any longer anyway. At least that way he has the facts, and if he wants to stay with his girlfriend then at least he can tell me so and withdraw, the flirting will stop, and I can feel like an idiot for a while and then move on. I actually have a feeling that even if I don't say anything next time I see him, that he will... so we'll see if I'm right about that. In any case I feel like I'm going to explode from bottled up emotion, so I think it's going to come out anyway.
Thanks a lot for all your replies :)

I was going to post my opinion but I would just be an echo, but I must say that you seem a mess. You say that you agree with everyone but you then say that you intend to go against all the advice you asked for.

You need to control it, if it's on the tip of your tongue then swallow it. It will cause issues at work, being adults wont change this and what if he reacts in a favorable way? Will you then scrap acting like a decent person and go for it? As everyone else said it's just a bad idea to go for someone who is in a relationship, regardless of how bad it is or you think/feel/hope it is. You have to respect it. If you don't know why it's more of a problem to tell him then re-read the responses. Giving him the facts as a way to release your pent up emotions will cause the flirting to stop, it will be substituted with awkwardness at first and if he reacts in an unfavorable way then it will remain. You say you have a feeling he will say something first... great, wait it out then. If he does so then your feelings will be validated and you will be able to proceed guilt free (assuming the end of his current relationship coincides with this).

So clearly I think you should not say anything, but if you must then heed Caius' advice, do it outside of work and in private. I would also add that you do it late in the working day so he can soon there after go home and think about it, although the girlfriend will be around, but when you go for someone who is taken then there are some hurdles you can't avoid.

**Qadosh** · 06-28-2010 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by Sunrain

Yeah. I agree with you all too, it's just that it's come to a point where I feel like it's bubbling over and telling him is inevitable because it's on the tip of my tongue and I can't keep it in any longer. No matter what his reaction is, I don't think it's going to cause a massive problem at work... after all we're both adults and as long as I can act like a decent person after I've said something, as in, not start anything with him if he's still with his girlfriend, then I don't see why it should be more of a problem to tell him than to not tell him. Even if he's awkward, then as long as I'm not he'll relax again after a while. It feels fairer somehow to just say it like it is, than to pretend I don't feel anything and try and hold it all in when I can't keep it in any longer anyway. At least that way he has the facts, and if he wants to stay with his girlfriend then at least he can tell me so and withdraw, the flirting will stop, and I can feel like an idiot for a while and then move on. I actually have a feeling that even if I don't say anything next time I see him, that he will... so we'll see if I'm right about that. In any case I feel like I'm going to explode from bottled up emotion, so I think it's going to come out anyway.
Thanks a lot for all your replies :)

If I could give you any advice, it would be to not do it at work. At least do it after work like on the way home or something. I know I would appreciate it much more if it were done that way.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

**Also, I recommend alcohol. I'm not saying get him drunk, but get him to have 1 or 2 drinks and he'll probably be more relaxed about it.

Originally Posted by MyLittleBlackHeart

I am a pro at expressing myself to an ISTJ that has a HORRIBLE time reacting and expressing.

Presentation is everything.

I never question him...or try to corner him.

It goes something like this and my situation is far more involved but similar in structure:

"I want to give you some information as to how I feel, and need you to understand I have no expectations. If your situation ever changes and you show up at my door....I am never letting you go. I mean that...."

Then I generally have to lighten things up or we both will have a meltdown:

"And anyhow, I have duct tape and a cage......that will make it especially difficult for you to escape."

Then we dont talk for a week.

**If it helps, he has told me on more than one occasion that I am the only one he has ever encountered in his lifetime that truly GETS him. He has even said at one point he understood what people meant by 'soulmate' after having me in his life. Once he laughed and said that we were separated at birth.

If you truly want to communicate, you have to understand how he is going to perceive what you put out there...and that means trying to understand his perspective.

Oman I like how you communicate. I wish more people could talk to me like that haha.

**Sunrain** · 06-29-2010 10:09 AM

Ok, based on all the responses I conclude that I should:

Wait a bit more and see how things go/see what changes/just see, and if I do really feel like I should tell him then I'll definitely do it at a time (preferably outside the work place or at worst right at the end of the day) where he's not preoccupied with work and has time to go away and think about it.

Also, it does seem that if he decides he'd be better off with me then he should really end the relationship and tell me himself, so in a way I guess I should wait and see how he acts and give him the opportunity to tell me something if he wants to.

I'll just see, but obviously if I do end up telling him then I'll tell him in a way that'll make it clear that I have no expectations and am only telling him because I want him to know how I feel.

**niss** · 06-29-2010 10:34 AM

Originally Posted by Sunrain

Ok, based on all the responses I conclude that I should:

Wait a bit more and see how things go/see what changes/just see, and if I do really feel like I should tell him then I'll definitely do it at a time (preferably outside the work place or at worst right at the end of the day) where he's not preoccupied with work and has time to go away and think about it.

Also, it does seem that if he decides he'd be better off with me then he should really end the relationship and tell me himself, so in a way I guess I should wait and see how he acts and give him the opportunity to tell me something if he wants to.

I'll just see, but obviously if I do end up telling him then I'll tell him in a way that'll make it clear that I have no expectations and am only telling him because I want him to know how I feel.

Ya know, I've been thinking about this. How about you just cut to the chase? Forget about telling him and just go to his girlfriend and tell her how you feel. I'd bet that would be a lot more interesting.