[Binky]

I'm seeing a wonderful ISTJ man. He's always very kind to me.. always opens doors, cooks for me sometimes, and has only seemed to be irritated with me once in the 5 months we've been seeing eachother. We spend the majority of our time together. I stay at his place most nights, and he typically includes me in the majority of his social activities... but he just doesn't show much affection towards me. He doesn't seem too responsive either when I am being affectionate towards him. I mean, he doesn't push me away he just doesn't seem interested. He just seems distant... Also, he doesn't come onto me for sex. I'm always the one that has to initiate it. Is that normal for an ISTJ or should I see that as a red flag? If an ISTJ has feelings for someone else how do they express them?

[fievre]

It's totally normal-- which depending on what your needs are can be a good thing or maybe not. He's definitely into you and probably cares about you a great deal. For some of us though, expressing our affection can be extremely difficult. Doing things is the most comfortable way for us to convey how we feel. Opening doors, cooking, etc., are the hallmarks of ISTJ lurve. Usually what you will pick up on is only the tip of the emotional iceberg.

I am currently in basically the same boat as your ISTJ. I'm dating a guy that I'm crazy about, but I just have a difficult time matching his level of affection sometimes. He pretty much initiates everything. While he hasn't said anything concerning my behavior (given that for the past month and a half and the 2 to come we're 3 hours apart, and we haven't been dating very long) I stress about it. I really don't want him to think I'm not as interested in him as he is in me, when I certainly am. Don't stress about us stressing, it's nothing we can't handle. We just need understanding while the ice in our veins melts. Expressing feelings is just not natural to me. It's something I'm working really hard to improve though; he's way worth the effort.

[Wulfdot]

The ISTJ above mentioned Hallmark and I thought that was a very good comparison. ISTJs are the Hallmark-Romantics. They aren't the type that will do something random but instead they choose to go with the basic romantic 'traditions' that they see in classic movies. Don't be surprised if an ISTJ pulls out your chair but doesn't take you out to the peak of a cliff overlooking the ocean for a romantic picnic. Midnight strolls and horse rides but won't lay with you under the stars with deep and romantic conversation.

It's part of the reason ISTJ females tend to dislike me because I cannot stand the rules of romance that they abide by. I like doing awkward and out of the ordinary things to express my love. ISTJs just aren't the 'I'm really deep in love with you let me show it' type.

[Frannyy]

I agree with what fierve said- It is difficult for ISTJs to express their feelings and will try to do so through action instead. I would say that if he include you in his social activities that it is a definite sign that he likes you. As for the sex, I have no idea how male ISTJs feel in the area but my guess would be that he wants to be respectful of you and doesn't want to impose on you. He probably doesn't want you to think he is a needy sex monster. If you search through some of the previous threads in this forum you might find some more answers on these topics.

[Mercer]

I'm seeing a wonderful ISTJ man. He's always very kind to me.. always opens doors, cooks for me sometimes, and has only seemed to be irritated with me once in the 5 months we've been seeing eachother. We spend the majority of our time together. I stay at his place most nights, and he typically includes me in the majority of his social activities... but he just doesn't show much affection towards me. He doesn't seem too responsive either when I am being affectionate towards him. I mean, he doesn't push me away he just doesn't seem interested. He just seems distant... Also, he doesn't come onto me for sex. I'm always the one that has to initiate it. Is that normal for an ISTJ or should I see that as a red flag? If an ISTJ has feelings for someone else how do they express them?

i get alone time with a gril then ask them out. they key is getting alone time with someone.

[Wake]

People are made up of Instinctual, Feeling, Logical sides. That being said, maybe he just may not be comfortable acting on those instinctual male urges, or like doing something making him feel cliche. To act upon feelings can be difficult sometimes as well because we strive to be rational or impartial more than emotionally driven. Making mistakes leading to awkwardness is not something we enjoy going through, and uncertainty can lead to no action when its expected.

I'm not strong in this area but open communication. Ask questions and view the answers in the most objective way possible. If you completely understand your partner then its easy to excuse them for short comings or make changes where its needed.

[Caius20]

He is very into you. I know that for me, including a female that I am more than friends with in my social circle is a very good sign that I have deep caring for them. For me at least, it takes a lot to win into my social circle. It's a very select group of friends, that I have painstakingly filtered from the stock of people in my town.

As for the sex thing, he is totally trying to respect your boundaries. I absolutely hate pushing myself on females. If I don't see enough receptive behavior (Smiling, pushing me when I am teasing, moving closer to me, etc) I back off. I would much rather wait until I am sure that the female wants it than to chance being one of 'those' guys. It's usually only the first time that I am cautious, though. After we have been intimate, I like to be a little more forthright. He is likely just being cautious, too.

[Frannyy]

He is very into you. I know that for me, including a female that I am more than friends with in my social circle is a very good sign that I have deep caring for them. For me at least, it takes a lot to win into my social circle. It's a very select group of friends, that I have painstakingly filtered from the stock of people in my town.
.

Well said. This is the same for me.

[niss]

I'm seeing a wonderful ISTJ man. He's always very kind to me.. always opens doors, cooks for me sometimes, and has only seemed to be irritated with me once in the 5 months we've been seeing eachother. We spend the majority of our time together. I stay at his place most nights, and he typically includes me in the majority of his social activities... but he just doesn't show much affection towards me. He doesn't seem too responsive either when I am being affectionate towards him. I mean, he doesn't push me away he just doesn't seem interested. He just seems distant... Also, he doesn't come onto me for sex. I'm always the one that has to initiate it. Is that normal for an ISTJ or should I see that as a red flag? If an ISTJ has feelings for someone else how do they express them?

A lot of this is based on feelings and your perception of him and the situation. I know that I can appear quiet, reserved, distant, etc., to others when I am really enjoying their company and whatever social activity is going on.

The replies by the other ISTJs in this thread are correct. His displays of affection are often little things that he does for you...acts of service, if you will.

His lack of response to your overtures of affection are most likely due to his need to be sure about the situation and the overtures. ISTJs are often unsure of themselves in social situations and tend to remain reserved until they understand what is expected of them. So if you are an outgoing socially adept personality type, then you are able to pick up on social cues and act on them long before he is. IOW, you may feel like that you are being very clear about what you want, while he will be waiting to make sure that he actually understands what you want. If you think this might be the case, the easiest way to be sure is to say what is on your mind. Be blunt and clear and he will likely respond favorably.

The same probably applies as far as initiating sexual intimacy. He will tend to respect your boundaries, and since he is unsure where those boundaries lie, exactly, he will tend to err on the side of caution. However, this could also be a red flag. Emotional dysfunction affects all personality types and we all have our baggage that we are trying to deal with and overcome. If he seems to remain disinterested in sexual contact long term, or after sex is initiated by you, there may be another deep seated problem. Again, talk to him about this. It will be a bit uncomfortable at first, and you must, must, must, must, carefully ask questions that in no way could remotely be construed as questioning his manhood. The discussion must not devolve into a feeling of you are not satisfied with him as a person or with him sexually. This is a key element.

I hope this helps and good luck.

[ENTrePenuer]

4 Page prospectus on double typed paper.


p.s this is a joke, I do not mean it.

p.s.s yeah I sorta do.

To really answer the question, they'll do stuff for you.
in private when you're not looking they may do mushy stuff like writing about you in their diary or trying on your last name, or ahem facebook stalking but you'll likely never know about it.