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Online dating and women

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This is a discussion on Online dating and women within the ISTJ Forum - The Duty Fulfillers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Morphyous I'm really confused and would like to know what others think here. I've been sending messages ...

  1. #11
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by Morphyous View Post
    I'm really confused and would like to know what others think here. I've been sending messages back and forth with women on an online dating site but it always leads me to a dead end, where she would stop writing back.

    I take it as a couple reasons:
    1 - Not interested anymore, but won't say it directly to me and just ignores my messages
    2 - Becomes busy, and forgets
    3 - Interested, but wants me to do something more? I can't read minds, so I will fail here
    4 - Is looking for an ego boost? Not sure here
    5 - Just fishing to see what's out there? Not sure here either

    I have tried messaging back to see what happens, but that never works. If women have "tests" that need to be crossed, then I'm at a roadblock here.
    If you're in college, aren't you already surrounded by women?? TALK TO THEM!? (Maybe I missed something in skimming.) In 4-year university, No one from school ever asked me out. In 2-year masters, No one from school ever asked me out.

    I'll give you a clue.. combine #1 & #3. Guys who wait too long to advance to meeting usually become boring and/or are insecure. (Being interesting can compensate for unattractiveness due to insecurity.) Ask someone out - same as in person. Don't ask a checklist of questions - no one likes interviews.

    But, seriously though.."Interested, but wants me to do something more?" You're stuck here? What could anyone possibly want that is more than talking online? Perhaps talking in person??

    As I just posted in another thread, I don't give people feedback online anymore--because, THEY DON'T WANT IT! If I take the time to give honest feedback, the responses are usually emotional outbursts. Who wants to be on the receiving end of that?!

    Speaking of emotional, #2.. sometimes I get busy and don't get online for a while, or I get interrupted in the middle of reading a message and don't finish reading it or respond right away. If a guy gets upset about that, it's already not going well. I'm the woman here--let Me get emotional over pointless shit (no, not really). I've tried to become more considerate/communicative about such things. But, yes, please assume I have a life, and it may not be like yours.
    Morphyous and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  2. #12
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by fresh View Post
    Hey Morphyous, I'm in college and I haven't done the online dating thing, but I have a friend that has and maybe I can give you the college girl perspective.

    *perhaps due to age and area differences?
    It would have been a dream to start dating during high school or college, but frankly I did not feel ready for it. I wanted to have my career set first, and now that it's almost done I've started looking. I'm actually in my last year of pharmacy school. I haven't done any of the things you've mentioned: have never asked for phone numbers, don't take pictures of myself flexing, try my best to personalize messages, etc.

    I do agree with @soglambrunette , that online dating allows me to meet many more people than I ordinarily would on my own. I honestly am not the social butterfly that some people are.

    I appreciate all of the advice so far, and frankly it sounds like I need to spend more effort and time into this. I want to spend enough focus on a person who is interested, but it is difficult for me to know when they lose interest. That is the most frustrating part of this.
    fresh and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  3. #13
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by SeedofDavid View Post
    I'll give you a clue.. combine #1 & #3. Guys who wait too long to advance to meeting usually become boring and/or are insecure. (Being interesting can compensate for unattractiveness due to insecurity.) Ask someone out - same as in person. Don't ask a checklist of questions - no one likes interviews.
    I have no problems asking someone out, I think what turns people off is the fact that I'm out of state for school. Even though it's my last year, it prevents me from meeting someone besides in December, which is the month I'm on holiday.

    And you're right, meetings in person have been so much better. I'm just trying to do the harder way and do online first before in person. Again, thanks for the advice, I just wish I could travel across the country in a blink of an eye. That seems to be my problem right now getting out of the messaging phase.
    SeedofDavid, Karen2011 and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  4. #14
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    I have not been following this thread but I'll give you some advice for situations where what you are doing is not working or resulting in very little or no desired outcomes.

    Do something different.
    Sela, Invidia and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  5. #15
    INFP - The Idealists

    As someone who successfully met their spouse online, I would suggest that perhaps dating sites are not the best bet for finding someone for a real relationship, and that you are better off on a site that is specific to your interests (such as this one or something similar), and just getting to know people on these sites. That way it removes the motive of hookups or ego-boosts and focuses more on shared interests and passions. Just a thought :)
    Sela, rawr_sheila, Out0fAmmo and 4 others thanked this post.

  6. #16
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers


    Quote Originally Posted by IndieGo View Post
    As someone who successfully met their spouse online, I would suggest that perhaps dating sites are not the best bet for finding someone for a real relationship, and that you are better off on a site that is specific to your interests (such as this one or something similar), and just getting to know people on these sites. That way it removes the motive of hookups or ego-boosts and focuses more on shared interests and passions. Just a thought :)
    From personal experience, this works!
    Sela, Out0fAmmo, Invidia and 2 others thanked this post.

  7. #17
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    I couldn't agree more with yardiff Bey. I've gotten a few dates on plenty of fish and Christian mingle but never a second date. I wouldn't even call them dates. I wish women would look at them as meetups rather than dates. Some of the dates went well but they didn't pass my standards for a second date. I believe in asking for the date on the third message, if she doesn't accept she doesn't like you.
    Sela and Karen2011 thanked this post.

  8. #18
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Yardiff Bey View Post
    Welcome back Fresh - and dammit, why did you have to be in the USA. *amused*

    My age? It might be. However, there sure are a ton of fatties of my age online. Those girls I do NOT respond to - I have standards and a lazy fat slob doesn't match, by far.

    Going by the numbers in my area, yeah, don't bother unless you live in a place with at least 100k local population (that's my area and it's pathetically poor for online). I get matches popping up in Auckland and other places that are 2+ drive away - even so, I have met with a few from Auckland, and they just aren't worth it on the whole.

    NZ women on the whole seem to be turning into whale-sized lumps of fat. No thank you.

    I have met some decent-seeming people, just no "chemistry". At all.

    *shrug* And that's enough, I'm outta this topic - the whole idea of online dating is dead so far as I'm concerned these days.
    Only back due to sheer boredom, and due to recently having lengthy conversations about online dating with friends. I'm with you though, I would be interested in trying it, but frankly, it just seems like too much work, especially considering that I think it'd be hard and exhausting to sift through all the "dirt" to find the gems. At least you have activities and friends that allow you meet women (I would think). In person seems so much easier and less deceiving.

  9. #19
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I dunno, I want to say I can't imagine that online dating for men is as bad as you guys all make it out to be (luckily the whining and PUA crap stays in the Sex & Relationships forum - it's a lot easier to have discussions here.....) but having not looked extensively at other women's profiles or asked them out I only have my own experience.

    And the things @Yardiff Bey says at least for me are completely untrue. I went to online dating BECAUSE I was looking for a serious relationship, and in NYC meeting people and establishing any sort of meaningful friendship/relationship is damn near impossible when you don't know anyone to begin with, so the best option I had was to try online. I also spent considerable time on my profile, answering questions (on OKC), and being proactive. I actually had the same issue that many guys had where every guy I initiated messages with never responded.

    But like many of the girls have stated on here already, women get inundated with messages and so many of them are just so awful that it forces you to raise your standards even higher and to be even more picky.

    So to answer @Morphyous questions:

    1 - Not interested anymore, but won't say it directly to me and just ignores my messages
    I've done this before, but the most common reason for me was I didn't hear from them for days/weeks and just figured they weren't interested in me either. The only exception was a guy who was really pushy and it freaked me out so I ignored his messages and then he IMed me and I had to block him because he was going on and on about how I was the girl he wanted to take to meet his parent!! Oy vey... He definitely was one of those "nice guys".

    I also had one guy that he seemed really nice but he rarely went in-depth in his messages (I always did), and it would take him ages to respond and it was always very nonchalant. I took this as he wasn't really serious. I also remember getting a message from him a good month after my boyfriend and I were together -- what the heck?!

    My advice: Don't dillydally and stay in the messaging phase for an extended time. Ask them out after the 3rd or so message.

    Again, I had been "talking" to guys at the same time I had gone on dates, and I had one date that turned into a relationship fairly quickly. I know there were guys that I probably just disappeared and didn't write back to them. On another note though, for the ones who I had gone on dates with I did want to let them know. The one guy I didn't because he was really arrogant and I figured he wouldn't write back anyways (he didn't). The one though, he was a really sweet INTP and I did tell him that I had met someone that I felt like I needed to pursue things with and I apologized. He was so understanding and glad that I was honest with him.

    2 - Becomes busy, and forgets
    It happens. Especially if you're going after women who are a) in school, or b) in careers that are very time-consuming. I'm very much an out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of person, so if I get involved in something new I tend to forget about things. I also do this with my nearest and dearest at times, I just get so caught up in life, that I can go months or even years without speaking to a close friend if we are not in each others lives regularly, like living nearby.

    3 - Interested, but wants me to do something more? I can't read minds, so I will fail here
    I think the asking her out around the 3rd message should solve some of this. I actually sort of did this with my boyfriend -- he had been checking my profile but not messaged me, and since I had had such bad luck with my messages I figured if he was interested he would write me. He did finally write me. And then I got the nerve to ask him out since he got all ISTJ about the whole thing and not knowing when the best time was. LOL. He was so glad I did that and then he gave me his phone number and I was like oh shit now what do I do!? So I settled on texting him and it was the start of what was to come.

    4 - Is looking for an ego boost? Not sure here
    Depends on the girl....and it depends on what you're doing. Don't go for appearance compliments. If she responds to that she probably is just seeking approval or an ego boost of some sort. I started rolling my eyes after all the "I love your smile" messages. Thanks, I appreciate it, but there's more to me than that!

    5 - Just fishing to see what's out there? Not sure here either
    Eh, it could be. Maybe she's not quite committed to the idea of online dating but wanted to try it or was persuaded by a friend to try it and she's still uneasy. I was talked into doing online dating shortly after college and that was my behavior. I didn't go on any dates. I just played around with it to see what it was like.

  10. #20
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Here's my latest story, just happened on Thursday. This is from Christian mingle where the"good girls" are supposed to be. I messaged her a few times, she gave me her number. I set up a date for Thursday, just ice cream. I never have huge first dates. I progressively make my dates better after she has proven that she deserves them. Date time rolls around, still not there,I text her. Her friend replies that she is in the doctors office getting a x ray for an injury that happened during her softball game. I continued to ask questions to validate the story, and everything seemed plausible. I called her the next day and got her machine. She has not and will not reply. This is the second Christian mingle girl to stand me up. Usually they are pretty good and often initiate the conversation, but some are bad.


 
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