[SoftBoiledLife]

I'm an INFJ-girl, and my best friend is an ISTJ-boy. We've known eachother for several years, and he means so much to me :) But, at the same time, he is a mystery :P

1) What hurts an ISTJ..? Sometimes I say things that he gets really upset with, that I would never have thought about could make him sad.. I don't like to upset him, so what does an typical ISTJ get hurt by?

2) What does an ISTJ need in a friendship? This is a friendship between a girl and a boy, if thats makes a difference..

3) He needs intimacy. Not of the sexual kind, but he needs to me "touched" : ) He's not attracted to me or anything, but still.. How do I do this?:P Me and him have never had any intimacy between eachother, so it's a littlebit difficult to change my habbits :P

4) He does'nt take a hint. Is it best to say stright out what I need from him..?

Yeah.. many questions, but okay ;P

Do you like him?

[Indigo Aria]

DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING from him. I personally see everyday how messed up ISTJ + INFJ gets when both partners are not completely honest. that goes for any interaction between to people beyond business, but I think it is especially important between these two types.

[enasbus]

stormfox: thank you for your help in this thread. It is very useful information.

I can't speak for all ISTJs, but I always appreciate honesty even if it is difficult to accept or initially understand. After some time, once I've processed the information, I usually get a grasp of what is wanted or expected.

The trick is to remember what I've learned and put it to practice. :-]

[Plaxico]

3) Hugs? I like hugs from girls, I couldn't tell you when's a good timing. Hair touching is fine. Actually light touching I'd never mind.

4) You'll have to be very blunt. Sometimes I don't get it and if i do i'm usually doubting myself, did she really mean it? I don't know
if that's self esteem or a desire to be 100% certain. Let him know you're serious about whatever you need to talk to him about.

[Owner Of A Lonely Heart]

I thinking actually an INFJ now or at least an XNFJ. @Plaxico would hug be alright for saying goodbye to ISTJ guy friend(my crush) at like college? for saying goodbye this past year i just let him and me do hand shake or that's what he put out. i wanted to give him a hug, but i only have known him for like 5 months so i didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. also i'm just scared to be so blunt. like earlier when first started liking him when i being really flirty my other friends seemed to pick up that i liked him, but since then i've been not flirty just trying really hard to get to known better and be his friend and letting him see me be myself around him and talk and joke around

[Plaxico]

Thanks for the mention! So I'm not sure if you're saying that its a hug, going away to college for a while, or just a see you later type thing. So I'll address the long-term goodbye and short-term goodbye the best way I can.

I don't know how much of this is ISTJ and how much of this is me. I personally don't like hugs goodbye if it means not seeing someone for a while, makes me sad. As far as the 5 months, for me it really depends on the person, some people I never really warm up to, others it can only be a few weeks and I can feel a closeness. Personally, I communicate much better in writing than vocally. Perhaps you could exchange letters or emails, hopefully he'll open up and show you how he feels.

Ok, so if I misread your question and you'll be able to see him in the near future, which I now think is what you meant to say (i'm keeping the first part), I'd suggest light touches, you can try the shoulder, the back, see if he mirrors you. I'm a person that prefers a bit of bluntness, that's not to say be super direct but be directly indirect. Get interested in his interests.

That's the long version, the short version is to hug him and grab his ass.

(I never know if what I say is useful or a crock, also, if you haven't realized, the last part was a bit of my sarcastic, snarky, yet possibly truthful side, if that's an ISTJ and you can get that from him, it probably shows that he's comfortable enough around you, and that would be a good sign)

PS I'm always afraid of giving bad advice, I hope that was cohesive and helpful. Quite frankly he may be in the same position you are in, if you don't make it clearer to him, you might never get it out of him, is it a scary place to be in, yes, but there's more to life than comfort, you can't control whether he likes you or not, or even if he will tell it to you if he does, the timing especially, but what you can do is your part.

That's the best advice I can give right now, I'm going to hide in a box if it turns out to be bad advice

[Owner Of A Lonely Heart]

Ok, so if I misread your question and you'll be able to see him in the near future, which I now think is what you meant to say (i'm keeping the first part), I'd suggest light touches, you can try the shoulder, the back, see if he mirrors you. I'm a person that prefers a bit of bluntness, that's not to say be super direct but be directly indirect. Get interested in his interests.

PS I'm always afraid of giving bad advice, I hope that was cohesive and helpful. Quite frankly he may be in the same position you are in, if you don't make it clearer to him, you might never get it out of him, is it a scary place to be in, yes, but there's more to life than comfort, you can't control whether he likes you or not, or even if he will tell it to you if he does, the timing especially, but what you can do is your part.

@Plaxico, i have gotten involved in some of his interests, already. he's a Star Wars and Star Trek geek/nerd. during like the first month of meeting him me some other friends watched all 6 movies of Star Wars in his room (he being in a supplemental triple) (i'm a bit detailed sometimes so sorry if i'm going overboard or over wordy i mean). Anyways, I liked getting to know him, and I had originally only seen the VHS version of Star Wars so seeing the DVD versions was interesting to see some of the differences between the two. then later on i watch LOTR trilogy for the first time also in his room with other friends. Thanks to him (my crush) i became friends with six or seven other guys on his floor.

we go to a Christian college so there are some things restricted here, but i don't mind. i actually ended going to his church on accident which was kind of funny; i mean my main point is that on the first day i went his church i talked about myself indirectly to him. i was talking to some random girl that i just meant and decided to go to whatever church she goes to. it turned it was his church, and he got bus sat a few seats behind us (small bus taking us to church). i, being hyper that morning, talked a lot about myself and added humor/sarcasm and as i was talking from time to time the girl sitting next to me would laugh as well as my crush in the background. so i assume he was listening. so yeah, i do like to do the indirect talking when i know he is near by and listening

as to other interests he has. he likes playing risk and settlers of catan. both of them for me are a new found favorite of mine. i being a tomboy i think somewhat helps me feel at ease when around guys. i have also played some card games with them as well.

new question um i would say my appearance isn't that great, and i'm slightly taller than him like i know i should just be myself around which i do do but should i try to fix/ take better care of my appearance? like i don't know from what i've read istj's value like traditions and i don't know where i'm going i just want this to work out. we are friends; i just want advice as to how i should go in the future in fall when we go back to college and i get to see him again.

as to second part of the quote thanks, i get what your saying; i just don't know the situation of how to bring it up or tell him directly indirectly. okay so there's a group of three people who know i like this guy on campus; then there's this other guy who i have thought about telling who my crush because he is like my 2nd closest guy friend and he's taken and he's going to be one of my crush's roommates in the fall. so my next question is would it be wise to let this guy friend know that i like his roommate?

[Plaxico]

That would depend on his roommate's character and how close they are. I think its a good sign that "thanks to him, you became friends with 6 or 7 guys on the floor."

As far as what happened on the bus, eventually you're gonna have to do the same thing on a one-on-one basis. Its great that you can be lively while he's in the room / bus / etc, how do you two interact when there is no one else around. Make sure that this doesn't just become "hanging out in groups" kind of thing, there's nothing wrong with that but if that's the only or clearly dominant course here, I feel that could potentially stall any romantic sentiments. There's a reason the traditional date is in a setting where the 2 of you can spend some quality time by yourselves.

You should always try to look your best, then you feel your best, make sure how you look reflects who you really are, it won't work, at least not in the long run if you are trying to squeeze yourself into a mold. If he likes you, the height thing shouldn't matter, but if he's traditional in nature, make sure that he feels like he's leading.

That being said, from what I've read so far it doesn't seem like he's doing most of the initiating, some steps you could take are:
1) Try to see how comfortable you are with him one-on-one, not in a group setting, just you two, it can be in a public setting but not where there are other friend's, people you know around, we're trying to see how you two mesh.
2) Based on that, suggest some activities you can do, if you're in college, you could grab a meal, get a table for two and start a conversation, maybe watch some Star Wars afterwards. Then you can introduce your interests after a while and if I'm right about this, your ISTJ crush should take a great interest in it. If he cares about you, he'll take a great depth of interest in your interests.

Hope this helps, trust me, I've been there (in his spot), if you have more questions feel free to ask / DM / whatever.

[Owner Of A Lonely Heart]

@Plaxico
From what I can tell, they are pretty close friends, always eating together and hanging out. Their floor RA made his floor all seem like a family. The roommate's personality is ENTP; I think is what he said it was if that helps. Both him and my crush are engineering majors though i think my crush is doing a double major engineering and computer science. So they have had some classes together as well, and they have worked on homework with each other and bunch of my other engineering major friends.

My crush and I have had some alone conservations before. after church a few times when we have gotten back to our dining hall we have sat together alone since we didn't see any other faces that we knew. also, one church service it was just the two of us that sat together. I, for one, know that i am very self conscious of personal space. those two times that i mentioned for the church one i didn't sit as close to him as i could have and at lunch i didn't sit directly next to him i sat one seat over. i'm very protective of my personal space so i do well to respect others space as well. so that's an area i may need to work on.

As for my appearance, i like the natural look of things. i hardly ever wear make-up, only on special occasions. the only jewelry i wear on a daily basis is my watch. though from what you said i could apply myself more to get in habit of washing my face or at least doing the pro activ stuff.

Also, we have walked back to our dorms with just the two of us. i lived on the floor above him this past year of college. We have talked some then as well. Sometimes, I start the conversation; sometimes he does. occasionally, it does start out with a silence between us then one of brings up a topic, and we discuss it.

As far as me talking about my interests, we overlap a lot. I'm mostly a geek, and he's more of a nerd. he likes computers; i like computers. i have played video games and card games with him. i watched him play board games. i played his Star Wars Risk game with 4 other guys on his floor, and unfortunately i had to leave before the game ended because of the visitation hours were over. though as it turned out my teammate (roommate, guy friend i want to tell) won the game, so technically i helped him win the game which felt awesome. i guess the only interests that we haven't overlapped on was my ultimate frisbee playing, dancing, and a playing the piano. he plays the trumpet. These interests of mine i have spoken about in more of a group setting than alone. Also, he likes a lot more strategical games than i do though i'm decent at chess, and that's like one strategical game that he hasn't been so good at. Also, i have his cell phone number(which i got from a friend not directly from him), Facebook friend (it took awhile since he doesn't get on much), and his steam account in which we have communicated/interacted on all of them, though mostly i have initiated the conversation not first from him.

Also, out of our tight knit group of friends there are only two other people, one guy and one girl, besides me and him who aren't coupled up. both of them, the other two who aren't coupled up, know that i like this guy. there's about 2 mains couples in our group that i hang out with. 2 other couples besides the main 2 that hang out with our group from time to time, and the roommate that i want to tell is in a long-distance relationship.

[Plaxico]

The fact that his roommate is an extrovert could be a plus. Its no guarantee, but an extrovert may be able to help him in social situations.

Both of you liking computers can be a major advantage as well. I still would advise in person over digital interaction but electronic methods can often lead to real interactions. I guess what you have to do is really delve into the core of it all. My philosophy is that if its not clear pretty soon you’re stuck in the gooey mess of what exactly are we, which means either one or both people are confused or conflicted. When it comes to “the friend boat”, a concept I’m not a big fan of but admit if interpreted correctly has some truth to it, you’ve got to let him know you are seeking to be more than just friends. It doesn’t seem from what I read that he is in a rush to get in a relationship, seems like he has his share of interests, activities, commitments, routines, etc, I guess you might have to shake things up a bit. If you wait too long you (him and/or you) might get too comfortable and not progress the relationship, if you don’t set the romantic overtones.

I’m not great at this myself, so quite frankly if I was in his position I’d be open to something like that. Pertaining to ISTJ I’m thinking perhaps the word “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” would clear things up. For example, questions like “What do you look for in a girlfriend”, “What kind of boyfriend do you think you’d make”, I know I’m dumb as a rock when it comes to clues so as an ISTJ this would make things rather concrete. So basically the whole gist of what I’m saying is that you’ve got to go for it, time and opportunities fly, there are no guarantees, the Law of Diminishing Intent says that if you don’t take advantage of an intention early on, chances are it’ll get tougher and tougher as time passes.