[ChraunAnon]

Hi, I'm new here and I recently found out I'm an ISFP so I came on to this forum to try and figure myself out a little bit more. I just have to say its such a wonderful feeling to find people that think the same way I do, I've always felt alone in my thought process for as long as I can remember. Which brings me to some problems I have: I have horrible self-confidence issues.

First off, my memory is horrible, and I find it gets worse all the time. I can't remember anything I want to and it inhibits my ability to talk to people. I read spiritual and religious books and philosophical discussions on the internet in hopes of understanding the world better and becoming "wiser". But after I'm done reading whatever I'm reading, I never remember any of the important things. I'm unable to hold discussions about anything with anyone, so end up beating myself up afterwards and becoming depressed and envious of people who can have casual or in-depth conversations whenever they want. I feel like I can't have any sort of relationship with anyone because I can't talk to anyone. I realize relationships don't always have to be based on conversation, and I personally don't mind not talking with people (probably because I'm not good at it), but everyone else seems to need conversation to be interested. Most of the time I just want to curl up in a corner away from everyone until I can finally be alone.



I'm also very self-conscious of my physical appearance. I won't get into details because it bothers me. When I'm in public, I'll always wrap myself up in a big black sweater and I'll wear my longish hair down (instead of just combing it back which I prefer the most when I don't have to worry about people judging my appearance.) I do those things because it makes me feel the most protected. I always feel safe wearing my hood. I even go to the extent of wearing my big black sweater in the middle of summer if I'm that uncomfortable, although I've been getting better at not wearing it as of this year.

I'm just never comfortable with myself and it hinders my every day life so much. Sometimes, when I'm absorbed in my thoughts, I try to look at it from a logical point of view, and I realize it really doesn't matter how other people see my physical appearance and I should just let go of all these attachments that make me unable to function in public. But then when the time comes to act upon it, I can never bring myself to it, then I go through my day depressed.

I feel like I can't think about things logically. When I'm alone in my thoughts, I always tell myself to try to look at everything I see from as many different perspectives I can, because that really lets you get the whole picture. But when the time comes where it would be best to think about something from more than one perspective, I can never remember to do it because I tend to act on my impulsive feelings, then later on I'll think about it and I'll beat myself up for not being able to do it when it would've been best to.

I just reeeeeeeeeally need to overcome these things because it makes me so miserable most of the time. I've brought up these issues with people I'm close to but they can never give me advice. Hopefully people that process things in a similar way will be able to help? Thanks.

[Razare]

Welcome to the forum, ChraunAnon.

I'm not an ISFP but I'll try to help.

Maybe you should work on finding a friend to help you overcome these things that are giving you problems?

You see, when it's just yourself saying, "I am going to do this." It doesn't always pan out because we have trouble holding ourselves accountable. Having a friend there to make sure we follow through with something, and accept us as we are really helps in life.

As for having good conversations with people, that can be hard. I know a lot of it is based on who you're trying to have a conversation with. Some people, you might find it easy to talk with them... others might be difficult to speak with.

Issues with self-confidence plague a lot of people, including myself. The trick to beating it is to not focus on what other people might think of you, but focus on what you think of yourself. Learn to accept yourself as you are right now. It can be difficult, and I can't tell you exactly how to do it, since I don't know... but that's the only way to not be self-conscious.

[Outcode]

I know how you feel about wearing hoodies and stuff to feel safe, when I was younger I'd wear winter clothes when it was hot plenty of times. What I recommend you do, is to get out of your comfort zones. Find someone to talk to, even if you never see that person again; talk to as many people as you can and you'll eventually get better and more comfortable with talking. I've always been a shy person, but I've tried being friendly and chatting with people in my vicinity. It's terrifying and still is, because you might worry about what the person thinks but after you've done so, it feels absolutely amazing. Don't be afraid to fail, it's good to fail because you learn that way and it's better than not doing anything at all.

Also, I don't know if you do or not but working out really helps with self-confidence or at least it does for me. It's also proven to make a person happy and you sound like you could use some happiness.

I don't know if it did, but I hope it helps. Feel free to ask if you have any questions or anything. I'm in a very weird state of mind right now so what I say might not make sense.

[Screwhead24]

You sound pretty normal to me... We all went through the phase.. some still going through it. Accept that you can't unaccepted and you'll be fine :)

[whist]

@_@ I sympathize with you so much.

I have a lot of trouble with having decent conversations too. I find that asking questions and being a thoughtful listener helps a lot. Try to ask questions that are open-ended and require more than a yes or no response. Usually, its best to inquire about something you already know about the person and is obvious. (don't ask about anything too personal at first otherwise it might be a bit creepy) For example, if you see they have a nice phone, ask about the apps they have. If they appear to be really skilled at something, ask about how they acquired those skills. etc etc. Use the natural ISFP impulsivity to ask interesting questions. :) People in general really like to talk to themselves and appreciate the attention. Good conversations aren't about you being interesting for the other person but actually being interested in what the other person has to say! :D Hopefully, the person eventually says something that you can relate to, and then you can have a real discussion. :)

It's okay to give up on a conversation though. If the person remains unresponsive or doesn't seem interesting to you, then it just means you guys don't click, no big deal. If you really want to, you can try conversing with the person again some other time. Sometimes the person was just in a really bad mood at the time, or whatnot.

I hope this helps, on the conversation part anyway...Of course, not covering yourself up would make you easier to approach, but I understand that's a difficult problem to make yourself fix.

[ChraunAnon]

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them.

I have a lot of trouble with having decent conversations too. I find that asking questions and being a thoughtful listener helps a lot. Try to ask questions that are open-ended and require more than a yes or no response. Usually, its best to inquire about something you already know about the person and is obvious. (don't ask about anything too personal at first otherwise it might be a bit creepy) For example, if you see they have a nice phone, ask about the apps they have. If they appear to be really skilled at something, ask about how they acquired those skills. etc etc. Use the natural ISFP impulsivity to ask interesting questions. :) People in general really like to talk to themselves and appreciate the attention. Good conversations aren't about you being interesting for the other person but actually being interested in what the other person has to say! :D Hopefully, the person eventually says something that you can relate to, and then you can have a real discussion. :)

I have noticed that I tend to ask a lot of questions when I talk to people. I guess I should focus more on that skill.

I've also noticed as I get older I become less funny and playful and I get more serious. This affects the relationships I have with long-term friends because I just can't seem to be fun to be around anymore. Aside from never knowing what to say, I'm not witty and I'm not good at coming up with jokes. That tends to be a big problem because humor is important in a friendship. So I just feel like I'm a boring person that not even my friends want to be around. I could be wrong though, maybe they just enjoy my presence, but that's hard to believe.

[Lunamir24]

Don't be afraid to fail, it's good to fail because you learn that way and it's better than not doing anything at all.

I have a lot of self-esteem issues as well.. and always afraid of messing up & not doing things right. The way I get through things sometimes, is just to make small goals for myself. But first, you need to have a strong willpower to Want to get better.. this will help push you towards those small goals which connect to the bigger ones that are important. When I get afraid, I just try to clear my mind & throw myself into that situation I fear (I mean what's the worst that can happen? You'll won't die).. Then if it goes badly, I comfort myself by saying at least I tried & learned something from it! If it went well, it gives me a boost in confidence & realize it's not as bad as I made it out to be. Either way you get something out of it from Trying instead of doing nothing & staying stagnant where you don't want to be. small goals I made for myself: striking up conversations with strangers, or smiling & saying hi to random people.. then if I do it ^^ I reward myself with imaginary points lol (like a game).

The trick to beating it is to not focus on what other people might think of you, but focus on what you think of yourself. Learn to accept yourself as you are right now. It can be difficult, and I can't tell you exactly how to do it, since I don't know... but that's the only way to not be self-conscious.

That also helps me out sometimes... I can get so plagued with my fears of what people think. This might be good or bad, but the way I deal with it sometimes is to just wipe those thoughts out & tell myself, "who gives a f*ck what they think??" and that helps me be feel less self-conscious (plus I learned this from my ISTJ friend lol). We need to be able to focus on our own needs sometimes instead of always caring about others. And I think it really helps to just be able to clear your mind of bad thoughts. Or if you're thinking something negative, stop yourself & try to focus on the more positive side instead.

I find that asking questions and being a thoughtful listener helps a lot. Try to ask questions that are open-ended and require more than a yes or no response. Usually, its best to inquire about something you already know about the person and is obvious. (don't ask about anything too personal at first otherwise it might be a bit creepy). People in general really like to talk to themselves and appreciate the attention. Good conversations aren't about you being interesting for the other person but actually being interested in what the other person has to say! :D Hopefully, the person eventually says something that you can relate to, and then you can have a real discussion. :)

It's okay to give up on a conversation though. If the person remains unresponsive or doesn't seem interesting to you, then it just means you guys don't click, no big deal. If you really want to, you can try conversing with the person again some other time. Sometimes the person was just in a really bad mood at the time, or whatnot.

I hope this helps, on the conversation part anyway...Of course, not covering yourself up would make you easier to approach, but I understand that's a difficult problem to make yourself fix.

That's what I do too :) and it really helps. I listen & then try asking thoughtful questions.. it mostly works if you find out what kind of hobbies they enjoy ^^ people love talking about what they like. Then when they are sharing, just make small comments (positive ones) to encourage them to keep talking & not feel judged, or you can insert related experiences to create a connection. I think people appreciate it when they feel like you are genuinely interested in getting to know more about them & care enough to ask the questions.

This is what I personally do, but if I ask any question, I am also ready to answer it if asked back to me. Soo it creates an even balance of conversation (unless they don't ask me back ;p then that's fine too). But it's a good idea not to bring up topics you wouldn't share yourself, or you might hit a dead end if they reverse the tables on you.. and it seems unfair if you ask them to share but aren't willing to do the same. I find that people are more open to sharing if you also open up yourself.. you don't always have to wait for them to ask, but voluntarily share too to show that you can relate. And I know it can be scary talking about yourself, but remember if you want someone to be open to you, you need to be willing to do the same. A good thing about being the one asking the questions is that you can also steer where the conversation will be going :) so you hit areas that you can contribute too.

I hope that helps somehow.. and I hope you can improve and get through your troubles! -cheers you on- I don't mind listening to your troubles if you want to message me. :)

[IndyGhost2010]

With the memory thing, I'd def say I suffered pretty bad from that, too. It's our inferior Te, I suppose. It always made me feel stupid in conversation or in school. So, I worked really hard at forming habits that could help me recall.

I started getting in the habit of serious note taking and journaling to help with my thoughts on what I just read, as well as keeping a quick reference outline to make remembering easier. I think us ISFP's are also better at visuals, so I'd often do my notes in visual unique ways to help me recall important points, as well. If you own the books you are reading, I always liked to keep little notes in the margins and in the header of the pages, also. These usually helped my memory as well.

Pretty much everything you wrote, I can relate to. I used to suffer terribly from those same feelings of uncomfortableness, as well. I always wore dark, drab colors in order to not stand out, or to hide myself. I used to feel boring, too. I honestly don't know what advice to offer you in order to overcome these insecurities, though. I'm not quite sure how I got over these things myself. For me, personally, it was because I couldn't figure out who I was. I'd been so akin to identifying with what others identified with, that I couldn't find my own voice very quickly. Does this sound like your experience?

[ChraunAnon]

Pretty much everything you wrote, I can relate to. I used to suffer terribly from those same feelings of uncomfortableness, as well. I always wore dark, drab colors in order to not stand out, or to hide myself. I used to feel boring, too. I honestly don't know what advice to offer you in order to overcome these insecurities, though. I'm not quite sure how I got over these things myself. For me, personally, it was because I couldn't figure out who I was. I'd been so akin to identifying with what others identified with, that I couldn't find my own voice very quickly. Does this sound like your experience?

I guess part of my uncomfortableness is because people in school always expect me to be a certain way, because I've been that way for years, but now that I'm maturing and growing out of those old ways... well, change is hard and has always been hard. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe people don't expect anything of me. But they're always shocked when I do something spontaneous that no one expects because they see me as how they've always seen me.

So, I guess I'm trying to figure out who I am, but my old insecurities and my hatred of change are hindering me. Gaaaaah I feel overwhelmed. D:

[dizzygirl]

Memory is such a big problem with me. SUCH A BIG PROBLEM!
Today only for example i raised my hand to ask a question in Socio class and i forgot what i had been about to ask. I read up about so many things but they get stored to some other part of my mind. I talk to people and hear what they say but it's almost like i'm not there fully...my head, my heart, me whole isn't there. So, it's no wonder that i don't remember.
Do you think you have a similar problem?
And this wasn't always the case with me. I used to have a brilliant memory. Something triggered this and i just let go.

As for looks, do whatever makes you feel comfortable now but i really think the best friend can help you overcome all this. I don't have one either so my insecurities or low self confidence often comes back. It isn't this acute though.

Read. Keep to books. Do what you like. Knowledge is your best friend. It never ever dies on you. Every second you live, you learn. Accept it. Accept that beauty actually is basically something that gives pleasure to one of the five senses..not just to the eyes.
And be kind. It might sound odd but if you are kind and completely love and do whatever you want to do, you will have an automatic confidence boost.
I hope that helps and welcome new un! :)