First, it will require a bit of backstory. Keep in mind this backstory is in reality 30000x longer and more complicated than the version you're getting here.
Both 19. Both boys. Met Freshman year of HS. Both new to the school. Became best friends through my stepsister (who he dated, but we became best friends). Eventually it progressed to fooling around (he had broken up with my sister). Hugging, cuddling, snuggling as we sleep, lots of time spent together, CONSTANT phone calls (which only occurred cuz they were constantly enjoyable), etc. All of which not ONE was inititiated by me (if anything, I was far from comfortable yet with my sexuality enough to be all "Hey, wanna hug?")And then he started to date this other chick (we were never official about anything, see. We were young. 15 maybe nowish). So that wasn't flying too well with me because boy do I not like to feel like a peace of meat.
So I was all "Hey. What's the deal. Like really. Break up with her. Or I'm telling her. Because this is so shitty for you to do to both of us." So he didn't. So I told her. Allllll those years ago (I'm finishing up my sophomore year in college now, this was probably all summer after sophomore year in HS), and guess how it ended up? Exactly how you think it would. Stupid little bitch was completely okay that I'd been blowing her boyfriend for like...their relationship >.< and completely opted to be with him. Whatever. Not my decision. So I said fuck you and stopped talking to him.
And since this initial giant fight, we've just been on and off friendship wise ever since. For 6 months to a year at a time, on and off. The first time we became friends again, we got drunk at some point and ended up making out and fooling around. But he stopped me for whatever reason. Then a few more times.
And then AGAIN during one of the times during the years we were friends, he robbed one of my replacement best friends (that I found when I stopped talking to him) that actually even comforted me and shit because he did me so wrong for so long (I honestly love this ISFP, holy god it's a stupid amount). He just. Started dating her. And I was like....really? Again?
Now is the most recent time of friendship, and we've both grown a lot. A lot a lot. It's going really well. We both completely enjoy each others company more than we ever have, and it's just fine. He is interested in spending time with me, making me smile, and just basically living life. We talk allllll the time about our deeper inner workings as well as any other morsel of intellectual substance we can get our hands on, and we play off each others existence in the most satisfying way, which we both find mutual. He even took it as far as saying "I honestly feel like you're just how I work in my head, just manifested right there." which makes a certain amount of sense when considered from the MBTI perspective.
Alright. So here is the point. I'm sorry it took me so damn long to get to it.
I love him and won't ever be able to not love him, which has been test time and time again with vast passages of time in between, as well as many personal life changes for both of us. Despite it all, I can't be around him without loving him.
And herein lies the problem. He tells me he's straight, doesn't want anything to do with me romantically, and crap like that. Which just completely contradicts every single piece of information I've gathered from him in relation to me (all signs point to love, yo).
Iunno. We cuddled a lot back in the day, but since that initial craziness, I just feel like the whole area of affection is really taboo, which I think may be the problem because that's a lot to do with ISFP's interpretation of emotion (physical manifestations). And holy shit do I wanna hug him a lot and just be all "fuck I think you're great" but I just feel as if the whole process will do nothing but sicken him and push him away and that he completely is uninterested in the idea. Which I'm not sure of or not because to be honest, this PARTICULAR friendship period he has never claimed to be gay or straight, but in fact informed me of making out and getting the number of this guy at this party, as well as continuing his long lasting case of penis envy (despite his personally possessing a very nice penis).
So yup. I don't know how to handle it. Be honest to how I feel, and shower him with affection with the risk he'll be all "uh, no." again?
Just leave it be and enjoy the best relationship I've ever had in my entire life, and could probably hope to have, keeping love completely uninvolved?
That's what I can't decide. What hurts more, loving him and being by him, or not having him in my life and not stressing as much about how unfulfilled I feel.
Man. Love fucks my INTP ass up. It's irritating.
P.s. Sorry it's a novel....I just get goin'......and hello by the way I'm Kevin!