[melbarra]

I am married to an ISFP woman. At the begining, every thing was fine, and she kept telling me that she was in love with me. I am an ESFJ, and that made me very very happy. I didn't know anything about mbti theory and did some very horible things that ISFP's really hate. I was very controlling, and insisted that she tells me everything about herself. I was emotionally demanding. I started feeling her going away from me and insisted more that she tels me "I love you" and all the other things, you know... Untill I made that big mistake when I told her that if she continues to behave that way (not affirming me and refusing to do what I ask her), it would be the end between us!! I knew it was a horrible thing so I asked her to forgive me. After 3 days, she told me that she wanted divorce. I told her that she were very important to me, and i would never find someone like her thus i didn't want divorce!! she told me that it was me who wanted it at the first place. Dont ask me how, bu she was miraculously persuaded by someone of her family to give me an other chance.



Since this happened, she has never told me "i love you" or any other love expression!! I started reading books about marriage and relationships, and learned a lot of things about mbti theory, love languages ... I really want to make her happy with me. I really want her love back.
I must note that I am away from her because of my studies, so I talk to her only via skype and msn. When I was back and saw her, i hugged her, looked in her eyes and told her "Is it possible that I tell you how I miss you?" she laughed at me and told me that it wasn't necessary to ask that question, nothing happened!!! the first three days after my return were wonderfull and I could tell she were very happy to see me!! We had some wonderful intimacy time and I asked her if she loved me! She told me "give me time!", I didn't insist, 5 minutes later, She told me "I love you". That was quiet assuring. But the days after, she were a little moody and I didn't feel her happy anymore. Sometimes, She even didn't let me kiss her!! Now that I learned about MBTI's personality types, I know that she cares a lot, and according to her actions, I can tell that I always have a chance to have her love back!! Indeed, I told her about MBTI, and explained that I now understand her better. Although, she is extremely Intraverted, she answerwed some of my personal questions about her. I know that she is very warmhearted and good person although she sometimes shows the opposite. I know that she thinks of our relationship all the day.

please help me, and tell me what to do to make her happy. Please tell me how to make her love me again and talk to me the way she used to before the problem we faced!! (I am an ESFJ and I need affirmation, however it is not my priority now. I want to focus on her hapiness.)

Can ISFP's love a person again although he hurt them?

[paper lilies]

First of all, you can't make someone love you. I think that's important to remember. Secondly, types that use Fi typically do not like to share everything about themselves and honestly, speaking as an individual, I hate when significant others demand me to tell them that I love them and constantly expect verbal affirmation because if I got up the nerve to actually share my introverted feelings in the first place, that's pretty big. I'm already showing them how much I love them just by opening up my inner world to them.

Introverted feeling and extroverted feeling are very different, worlds apart even.
An example of introverted feeling: I love you, but it's none of your business.
An example of extroverted feeling: I love you and I'll make it your business.

In any case, it doesn't sound like you apologized to her at all for your previous behavior toward her, you seemed to just try to forget about it all, sweep it under the rug and still want the same things from her as before even if you didn't extrovert them this time. It sounds like you treated her pretty badly and if I was in her position, I'm sorry but I would not stay with you. There's a lot of things I can forgive but control is not one of them. The second someone attempts to control what I do, I'm halfway out the door.
However, that's just me. Perhaps someone else will be able to give you their perspective.

[melbarra]

First of all, you can't make someone love you. I think that's important to remember. Secondly, types that use Fi typically do not like to share everything about themselves and honestly, speaking as an individual, I hate when significant others demand me to tell them that I love them and constantly expect verbal affirmation because if I got up the nerve to actually share my introverted feelings in the first place, that's pretty big. I'm already showing them how much I love them just by opening up my inner world to them.
Introverted feeling and extroverted feeling are very different, worlds apart even.
An example of introverted feeling: I love you, but it's none of your business.
An example of extroverted feeling: I love you and I'll make it your business.

In any case, it doesn't sound like you apologized to her at all for your previous behavior toward her, you seemed to just try to forget about it all, sweep it under the rug and still want the same things from her as before even if you didn't extrovert them this time. It sounds like you treated her pretty badly and if I was in her position, I'm sorry but I would not stay with you. There's a lot of things I can forgive but control is not one of them. The second someone attempts to control what I do, I'm halfway out the door.
However, that's just me. Perhaps someone else will be able to give you their perspective.

Thank you for your reply.

I Know I badly treated her. I really am sorry. I cried every night because of what I did. Hwever, there is a thing that you should take into account. We are not nor american neither european; so some cultural and religious aspects must be considered. Neither me nor her whould go far for divorce. We both are kind of commited when it has to do with marriage. Separation is not an easy decision to make!! Now that I made that mistake; I really regret it!! As we have to live toghether, I want to make her happy. I don't want to make her feel bad because of this marriage.

In the other hand, I am just wonderring if it is possible for ISFP to love the same person twice!! If she doesn't love me, I completely understand it! But being obliged to live with a person that you don't love really kills hapiness. Remember, all I want is to make her happy. I am really sincere.

[Inguz]

Hm... @paper lilies speaks much truth, but I'd still say that a relationship is mutual, I've learned to give words of affirmation and even if they always doesn't feel "true" to me in that regard it does feel like the right thing to do, because it is what I would say if I were more verbal in my feelings. And that isn't necessarily a Fe-exclusive thing.

Have you told her about your insecurities with not getting certain emotional feedback? In my experience such displays of vulnerable and personal feelings do well with Fi-users. Some things can only be "fixed" with enough time, patience and understanding. Learning to understand why you react(ed) the way you do is probably the best way to look at the problem you're having right now.

[paper lilies]

Perhaps you should make a thread in the Sex & Relationships sub-forum.
Here is the link: Sex and Relationships
Since you mentioned that it's a cultural thing, you may find that others with similar backgrounds and similar previous situations will be able to respond with more depth and understanding.
The above link may open you up to more help. I wish you the very best of luck.

[colorshy]

All I know is that in any relationship you have to be open and honest. Ask her if you can just sit and talk to her. Be very gentle about it and take it slow.

[melbarra]

Hm... speaks much truth, but I'd still say that a relationship is mutual, I've learned to give words of affirmation and even if they always doesn't feel "true" to me in that regard it does feel like the right thing to do, because it is what I would say if I were more verbal in my feelings. And that isn't necessarily a Fe-exclusive thing.

Have you told her about your insecurities with not getting certain emotional feedback? In my experience such displays of vulnerable and personal feelings do well with Fi-users. Some things can only be "fixed" with enough time, patience and understanding. Learning to understand why you react(ed) the way you do is probably the best way to look at the problem you're having right now.

Thank you for your help.
I think better communication is being set up between us. I try not to be emotionally demanding, I am focusing on making her happy. Although she is an extremely introverted person, she used to show me verbal affection that was really impressing! She never talks a lot to people but she is quiet extroverted with me!! I think she has developped this ability just for marriage but somtimes she misses her natural behaviour. I now understand her better, and I am really ready to be patient. Just help me to make her happy. Please tell how to make her enjoy her life with me. Thank you!

[Inguz]

Thank you for your help.
I think better communication is being set up between us. I try not to be emotionally demanding, I am focusing on making her happy. Although she is an extremely introverted person, she used to show me verbal affection that was really impressing! She never talks a lot to people but she is quiet extroverted with me!! I think she has developped this ability just for marriage but somtimes she misses her natural behaviour. I now understand her better, and I am really ready to be patient. Just help me to make her happy. Please tell how to make her enjoy her life with me. Thank you!

As I wrote, learn to understand why it bothers you personally that she's introverted. Wanting to have some time alone or "quiet time" even every day isn't unusual for an ISFP. She is the way she is, if you want to make her happy then you have to understand yourself better, why some things she does annoys you as much as they did. If you can learn to deal with yourself first, then she'll most likely be very pleased to have a good husband that not only pays attention to her own needs, but also to how you are reacting and acting.

It's easy to say "Oh, it's her fault because she's introvert like that", but much harder to admit your own faults. You seem to be doing great this far after what has happened, but my advice is that you should pay attention to yourself now to really be able to please her the way that you want.

I discovered myself that I was and still is to some extent possessive of my girlfriends, because I'm afraid that they'll leave me. But realizing that it's a problem in me, not in them, I have something to work with.

[melbarra]

All I know is that in any relationship you have to be open and honest. Ask her if you can just sit and talk to her. Be very gentle about it and take it slow.

Every time I ask her to sit and talk she flees me. She doesn't like discussion! I think she's afraid of conflict. She keeps telling me that nothing has to be discussed as if nothing happened, but I know she thinks a lot about our relationship. I see she's making some efforts to make our marriage successful, but not enough communicational ones. I have to be more patient and more gentle, to gain her trust again in order to make her more comfortable to talk to me.

[melbarra]

As I wrote, learn to understand why it bothers you personally that she's introverted. Wanting to have some time alone or "quiet time" even every day isn't unusual for an ISFP. She is the way she is, if you want to make her happy then you have to understand yourself better, why some things she does annoys you as much as they did. If you can learn to deal with yourself first, then she'll most likely be very pleased to have a good husband that not only pays attention to her own needs, but also to how you are reacting and acting.

It's easy to say "Oh, it's her fault because she's introvert like that", but much harder to admit your own faults. You seem to be doing great this far after what has happened, but my advice is that you should pay attention to yourself now to really be able to please her the way that you want.

I discovered myself that I was and still is to some extent possessive of my girlfriends, because I'm afraid that they'll leave me. But realizing that it's a problem in me, not in them, I have something to work with.

I totally agree with you; that's what I've learned from what happened. I am really willing to improve my behavior toward her. I know that it was my fault in the first place, and that's why I am asking for your help today. I really want to know what would make her happy with me so that I can do it for her.