[Sinsifel]

Hiya ISFJ's,

I'm rather shy and find it difficult to post in forums, but my worries have overwritten my shyness.

I'm an ISFP who hidden my true self to someone who I believe is an ISFJ, she is diagnosed with asperger' syndrome (like myself)

I concealed myself before I knew her more because I feared that she would not be interested in me; for my lack of confidence and introversion. I'm a fool for letting my fear control me.

As I slowly revealed myself more, she became more distant, though still messages me. Although I've revealed myself more, I'm still appearing light hearted and unaffected.

Her distancing is making it worse for me, only causing to me push her away more with trying harder. She has no idea how much it's been affecting me.

I just wish to talk to her rather than wait long periods of time, first it's been days, then weeks, then a month, now weeks to hear from her. I want to get to know her as a person.

She's lovely, very friendly and smiles a lot, but just doesn't trust me, won't open up and very wary. I'm at a loss and it's really getting me down, we've been in touch since the beginning of February 2012.

If you need more information just ask, I don't want to write anything too long as my first message. Any help or advice would be sincerely appreciated:)

Thank you for reading,

Liam:)

[Stokholm]

I know somewhat how you feel. I myself am diagnosed with autism and I know how it is to feel like one, single, identifiable characteristic defines myself. I've gotten better at overcoming this as I realize there is so much more to me than my autism. Anyway, I'm going to give some advice. Please do not take this as support in noticing aspergers' in your personality, (I have not met you, nor do I know how you act around her,) I'm just saying how ISFJ's operate, and possible reasons she might be drifting away. So here we go.

ISFJs operate best in a zone that they have deemed as comfortable. So if she isn't being drawn towards you, it's because she isn't comfortable with you. Not to say that she is uncomfortable with you, but she's not comfortable; those are two different things. The key to making her feel comfortable is making her feel like you are interested in her and her mood. As an ISFJ I constantly worry about whether or not I may bore people or if I'm intruding in their lives. The way to make her comfortable to approach you, is to ask a lot of questions about her; subtly show you are interested in her. This is done by listening to her when she's talking and asking questions. Not personal questions so much, but just how her day was, how she reacted to something, how school is going, what's been on her mind. Casual stuff. Finding out what she is interested in, as well as how she feels about it. But most importantly, is to react to her in a positive way. This means not contradicting her or disproving in some way; do not do these.

That's really all it takes. We ISFJs are simple folk and it doesn't take much to impress us. Just acting like a friend and being there and attentive for us is important, as we will be there for you. Hope this helps, and good luck with the aspergers'.

[Sinsifel]

Hi Stokholm:)

You've put it into a much better perspective for me, I myself would wish for the same kind of approach if it was the other way around, though I didn't know she was like this to begin with.

I spoke to her in a too light hearted (carefree) and confident manner, then a 'babbling' manner, eventually leading to coming on too strong and pushy 'out of the blue' as I had no idea how to open her up, becoming oblivious to what was actually happening.

My mind was controlled by fear, surpressing my own personality, the few questions I asked was unrelative to her mood and the way she feels. I would end up spending a lot of time refining my messages to be less 'like me'. I hope that I can make amends with her.

I feel the same about requiring constant reassurance, I always feel as though I'm boring others or taking up too much of peoples time.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you overcome your autism? I don't know what your problems are but mine are fear of people/judgement and a lack of desire to be around more than one person, amongst other things.

Thank you very much for your advice, I appreciate it and will put it into practice. It's nice to hear from another on the spectrum with a similar personality type:)

Liam

[Mendi the ISFJ]

Its likely that she can sense that you arent being yourself and this falseness is making her uncomfortable, even if she cant necessarily define what the problem is. I really appreciate when people are honest and direct with me, it may be time to directly tell her that you want to get to know her and reveal the truths about yourself that you have been hiding. Another thing is to give her time, pouncing all at once can be frightening if you dont know the person. So show interest and be direct about what it is that you want, dont lie about yourself or anything, bond over common interests and dont take her distance personally, people have different issues in their lives that can make seeing friends hard to do on a regular basis. Good Luck!

[Sinsifel]

Hiya Mendi,

Thank you for the advice:) I'd like to send her this message, It's the first message I've wrote in her direction without changing my words, hiding my personality and restricting myself.

I'm sorry for not being myself, I didn't expect you to be such a nice person, most people are quite blunt and dismissive of me when i've messaged them as my natural naive and hearty self.

I've hidden how it's made me feel, it's gotten me down a lot, the mistakes i've made with you. I only intended for the best, hoping that when you would talk to me I could reveal my self. I'm really, really sorry about this.

Though from bad, good always follows at some point. I think it's a testament to how I view you as a person, you have a lovely personality and I think that you are worth the time:)

I understand how it's made you feel, I would have felt the same way, It was unwise of me to let my caution and self-doubt control me.

Whatever was to come of this, it will be worthwhile. If you can forgive me, I'll be happy to hear from you, your smile is quite the contagious sort:)

How has your day been? I hope all has been well for you recently:)

Med Venlig Hilsen! ;p
Liam:)

Although I've tried opening up in increments i've not expressed how it's been affecting me. I did make the mistake of telling her how much I like her after three months of knowing her, but I can only move forwards and make amends.

Though I will have to wait till she responds, I hope that I have the strength to send it, I dont want her to push her away with this. Do you think its okay, am I being too pushy, too specific or not specific enough? I'm doubting myself again :p

I'm sorry if I'm going on too much, I always over-write. Thank you again for your time and advice, I appreciate the help from both of you:)

Liam:)

[The Martyr Expert]

Your message sounds lovely to me; the tone of it would make me feel safe-r if I was her...but because I'm not her I can only speculate. Tell us how it goes!

And you're awful hard on yourself, it sounds like (I am too). You're learning and growing and everyone has fears and some are more cautious than others. Practice giving yourself a break, if you can

[Sinsifel]

Thank you Martyr, You made me smile:)


I shall let you know how it works out, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I must wait for her to get back to me, I don't want to bombard her or anything:)


I'll try not to be hard on myself, it's difficult not to be, but you do the same with yourself if you can, you've no need to be:)


Liam

[Liminality]

I did make the mistake of telling her how much I like her after three months of knowing her, but I can only move forwards and make amends.

It sounds like you know her online - given the spaces between contact? Have you met in real life?
Do you have romantic interests in her? Or more just of friendship? Or something else/more ambiguous?

[Sinsifel]

Hi Liminality

I havn't met her in real life, as she lives in Denmark. I don't know how to word it, but I like her in both a friendship and romantic modality. Nobody has smiled and spoken to me like she has, even though at times she doesn't write much, I think that a smile means a lot more than words can say:)

When I was open about my character with people in the past, they would be dismissive and make me feel inferior for being who I am, I didnt want to make the same mistake with her, but it has been an essential learning curve.

You can't attract people similar to yourself unless you open your heart to others.

Thank you for your time:) what is it you are wondering?

Liam

[Mendi the ISFJ]

Hiya Mendi,

Thank you for the advice:) I'd like to send her this message, It's the first message I've wrote in her direction without changing my words, hiding my personality and restricting myself.



Although I've tried opening up in increments i've not expressed how it's been affecting me. I did make the mistake of telling her how much I like her after three months of knowing her, but I can only move forwards and make amends.

Though I will have to wait till she responds, I hope that I have the strength to send it, I dont want her to push her away with this. Do you think its okay, am I being too pushy, too specific or not specific enough? I'm doubting myself again :p

I'm sorry if I'm going on too much, I always over-write. Thank you again for your time and advice, I appreciate the help from both of you:)

Liam:)

it sounds fine to me, if she has any questions im sure she will ask. good luck!