[thescanman]

I've spent the last year or two trying to figure out exactly what it is that's bothering me. I don't even know if this is the right place to discuss it, but I haven't had much luck elsewhere, and this seems like more of a group that I can relate with.

As I get older, I keep thinking that I'll eventually get over this social anxiety that I've had all my life, especially around strangers. Even when I'm with someone I know well, I never feel ready to talk to them when we're together. One thing I've learned from therapy is a thing called "friend files", which basically means bits of information that you know about this person. That was a great lesson to learn, but whenever I try to execute this in real life, everything seems to be going 100 miles an hour. I'll ask a question, and they give me an answer I don't quite understand, and I don't want to make them articulate everything. By the time I comprehend what they're saying, I forget what I wanted to ask next. It's even worse when I have to answer the phone, because I'm not usually expecting phone calls, and if it interrupts what I was doing, it's even worse. As an introvert, we need time to think of our answer, and I don't like keeping someone waiting too long or it feels awkward. Even if I'm able to string together some decent questions and answers, it's unevenly paced compared to others having conversations. Sooner or later I'll have to find a new circle of friends, since I've become way too much of a recluse, and am starting to feel some of those depression symptoms.

What should one do about this?

[the crow]

Stop thinking you need to plan everything ahead of time.
This comes from "acting" as opposed to "being".
No response is a true response unless it is original. Take all the time you need: nobody actually expects you to respond like a talk-show host. Gather your thoughts, arrange them, take a breath and speak them.
I had a terrible stutter for years, and in a way, it was like what you describe.
Anxiety is a terrible thing, and difficult to overcome.
It is made far worse by the current trend among people to demand you agree with them.
Go easy on yourself. Nobody is likely to go easy on you, for you :)

[Introvertigo]

Meeting new people, especially at a gathering like a party, can be very intimidating. I've learned to remind myself that most people are as nervous as I am. I seek out the least intimidating person and introduce myself, and ask an open-ended question like, "What brought you out tonight?" Once I've got past the first exchange, and we're having a conversation, I can relax and focus on what the other person is saying.

[the crow]

I haven't been to a party in many years. Is it really that difficult to deal with?

[Introvertigo]

I'm confused. Is WHAT difficult to deal with -- going to a party, or not having gone to one in years? Personally, I dread social events where I don't know anyone. Few things make me as anxious. This thread is about social anxiety.

[thescanman]

FYI, I've never been diagnosed with social anxiety, but I've read about it and it sounds like what I have. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with a "safe" answer to a question. I don't have that "trump card" if I get probed constantly.

[Introvertigo]

Me neither, but it sounds like what I go through. I feel on the spot and my brain freezes -- the words don't come sometimes, which is very awkward.

[Master Wolf]

Is the key for Si Fe, to be part of a group that gives you new experiences in a way that is productive for your confidence?

INFP's and ISFJ's seem to need the same thing from people. It seems like we only differ about what we THINK we need.

Hugs, social support in productive safe character growing ways.

What do you think?

[thescanman]

Is the key for Si Fe, to be part of a group that gives you new experiences in a way that is productive for your confidence?

INFP's and ISFJ's seem to need the same thing from people. It seems like we only differ about what we THINK we need.

Hugs, social support in productive safe character growing ways.

What do you think?

Hugs are always nice, but they obviously are not appropriate with someone you don't know well. There are things less drastic than hugging that I'm afraid to do or say when first seeing somebody, like commenting on their looks. I speak much better when spoken to, instead of being the initiator.

[the crow]

There are things less drastic than hugging that I'm afraid to do or say when first seeing somebody, like commenting on their looks.

That gave me a good laugh :)
You'd have to be me or my wife to really know why, though.
I live on this stupid island where stupid people act stupid and pretend to be spiritual.
I say stupid because they are stupid. Really stupid. They go around hugging everyone and wearing huge fake smiles. They all look terrible and most suffer from something nasty in the groundwater that turns them grey-green and their hair dull grey.
Maybe whatever it is in the water has made them stupid. Who knows.
I thought hard about designing a T-shirt that says: "I'm more Spiritual than You are", but probably, they would take it seriously.
Easy to get anxious here, around all these fakes, who are also grotesquely judgmental and holier-than-thou.
Apart from that, it's a lovely island.