[Cookie Monster]

Welcome to the wonderful world of women! :p

Lady K is on point...probably a very immature/unhealthy person...or someone going through a really hard time. I think it has less to do with personality type and more to do with maturity and coping skills. I actually had a great INFJ boyfriend and it really drove him away because I had difficulty dealing with something, and like others said, he was the only person available at the time to vent to.

Not to stereotype INFJs or anything, but they have a tendency to want to heal and protect people (especially INFJ guys). They expend a lot of emotional energy wanting to help people realize their potential that it runs them ragged. It was that way with my BF. He wanted to be there for me, but there was nothing he could really do to help me because the issues at hand were out of our control. But he felt obligated to fix everything and he took it so hard upon himself that he just could not bear to see me upset at all (it reminded me of him when you mentioned her behavior is "Detrimental to your psyche"). What she needs is, as Lady K and Teddy stated, is someone to just listen to her and validate how she feels, even if you do not agree with it. Listen, but be detached and don't feel like you have to fix all her problems. I agree 100% with what Teddy said about how to deal with it.



A lot of women, not just ISFJs, LOVE to vent and HATE it when men try to fix things. When I am in vent mode, I am basically doing it because I am backed into a corner, all my options suck, and there is nothing I can do about it. If I could have fixed the problem, it would be fixed and I would not be venting; therefore, any advice people try to give just comes across as trite, unless I specifically ASK for advice.

[ertertwert]

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. I would love to just let her vent and then when she is over to just move on. But I am an INFJ with an extremely perceptive Extraverted Feeling function. If I was an INTJ I could bear her and just understand that she is venting. But when she vents it's not like she's just venting. It feels like she is venting about me, to me, with me etc.... I understand that she is just venting, but unless you were an INFJ you wouldn't understand what we mean by "detrimental to our psyche." However this is something I am trying to work on.

I was just thinking about it more and came up with an example to show what is happening. When she vents and dumps all of her emotions out and feels better, what happens to me? I am now holding all of that baggage and shit and now I have to get rid of it somehow. It's literally like she takes all of the shit she can't handle and gives it to me and says, "You take it. I don't want it. It's now your problem." What the fuck? Really? Hope that helps a little more.

[Rowan]

First of all I am very sorry you are having problems, and I feel like such a jerk not seeing this thread sooner (omg I am hilarious, hellooooo ISFJ!!!!). I have appreciated all the advice you have sent my way.

As to the situation. Unfortunately I see a lot of me in her-crap!- NOT trying to be insulting. I would lash out at my bf (INTP) all the time, and just get further enraged with him if he pointed out I was over-reacting or being unreasonable.......AND he did use the term 'crazy' from time to time.....

AND then we broke up. And I started learning about these personality types, and FINALLY started hearing what my bf had been trying to say/share. It helped me realise his responses to our fights too, just learning about INTP's-and how SO NOT compatible we are.....(note: this was not just due to personality type conflicts-at all).

So. Is your gf educated on the different personality types? Does she acknowledge her weaknesses? Is she willing to change? Or is it more she thinks she is in the right, and the only one who needs to change is you?

Just sit her down and lay it to her straight. Share how hurt you are feeling. I do agree try to avoid pointing out you are feeling these negative things due to her actions-but sometimes that can NOT be avoided.

You have to be honest with yourself as well as her. Ask her how she would feel if you lashed out at her all the time.

I don't know dude, this is turning into a ramble. Maybe I didn't help at all. LOL you should really talk to my ex!!!!!

It's about the way people want to express and receive love. For myself and my ex we loved each other deeply, worked our butts off to make this work, but we were never able to provide the other one with their preferred expressions of love.

I wish you all the best, sending you support and smiles.

INFJ Relationships

ISFJ Personal Growth

[Lady K]

To ert - you do realize that as ISFJs we are also people who use Fe?... in fact, it's in the same position as your Fe, secondary. We're Si Fe, you're Ni Fe.

When you say damaging to your psyche, I think you're looking more at Fi. Fe is about making decisions based on the feelings and emotions of others.. basing decisions on moral judgments. Fi is about the internal, personal feelings - if your psyche is becoming damaged because of the way she treats you, it's probably due to your highly sensitive Fi. If your psyche is becoming damaged because you're having a hard time making decisions involving her because you don't want to hurt her, then you're damaging through Fe. Based on what you're saying, it sounds like you think she's the one damaging you through her actions.. sounds like Fi in overdrive to me. You probably need to take into account that not only is she being too sensitive, but you likely are as well. Two way street.

[ertertwert]

If your psyche is becoming damaged because you're having a hard time making decisions involving her because you don't want to hurt her, then you're damaging through Fe.

This one.

Apparently I need to type more to post this...

[dejavu]

Wow. This thread was a fascinating read for me, as another INFJ that was dating an ISFJ who encountered all the same problems. I wish I could offer you some advice, but the behavior you describe was like poison to the relationship in question, and was definitely a part of it's destruction. I was a lot like you. I tried to be a good listener who would then try to help, but would instead just have to take a bunch of negativity until he felt better. I was as calm and gentle as I could possibly be when I discussed the way the behavior was hurting me, tried to make it easier to take by telling him things he did right. None of it worked. He treated it like an attack and acted like a martyr, and nothing changed.

[Lady K]

It feels like she is venting about me, to me, with me etc....

This statement, in my opinion, contradicts your belief that your psyche is hurting because of the decisions you're trying to make without hurting her. It sounds to me like you're hurting because she's venting and you feel it's your fault, you're taking it personally - Fi.

I'm not debating that you're being hurt, because clearly you are, I just found it humorous that you were citing your "highly developed Fe" as the channel through which you were hurting, and claiming the rest of us couldn't understand, when it's clearly not even your Fe that's having the issue. It's silly to think that other people can't understand just because they're not the same type as you, particularly when you're talking to a group of people who use, or should use Fe as much as your type does.

[ertertwert]

I was just trying to vent a little to show that it really fucks me up. It's almost like once she starts down that path, it always ends up with me ending where she started. And she feels better after venting and I feel a lot worse. And it takes a LONG time for me to get it out of my system. It might take her 5 minutes to explode and it will take me 5 hours to get over it. But I feel like I've gotten a lot of help from this thread and she even read this so she's been trying too. We'll see...

[Rowan]

YAY! That is wonderful she is trying! I hope things work out for the best for you two.

Oh, and venting is understandable, much better than keeping it bottled up inside. Take care.

[Lady K]

I agree with Rowan. There's nothing really wrong with venting. It can make us feel better and it can help other people see how things are affecting us. I think it becomes a problem when it hurts other people - but it seems like you and your girlfriend are talking it out, which is what needs to be done. Communication is key with stuff like this.