[stephiphi]

How do you guys fare in situations where someone has just opened up to you about something and is possibly even starting to cry?

Of course it depends on your relationship with said person and the situation at hand, but are you happy with how you reacted to/handled it after it all?


Perhaps I can only remember my most vivid experiences, but I tend to either completely fail or completely succeed in comforting and giving appropriate advice (of lack thereof) in various situations. The failures tend to stick out in my mind more clearly than the successes.

[emily64]

If I care about the person enough, I'll be on their side regardless of whether they're right or wrong. I do the whole "everything will be okay" thing a bit too much and I don't always believe it, but I think I always succeed at making people feel better. I'm not a real touchy-feely person, but I'll let someone hug me and cry on my shoulder if they need it and I don't act awkward in those situations.

Sometimes I feel weird about the advice I give when I look back because I don't believe in what I've told the person, but I always know I told them what they needed to hear at the time and telling someone they've created all their own problems won't make things any easier.

Of course, making someone feel better when they need me to do so always makes me feel amazing.

[DeadMilkman]

Well....I'm not an ISFJ but I've had to deal with a lot of this lately regarding a close friend and death of family members.

I can't empathize if I haven't been in the situation myself. I'm not particularly a good talker when it comes to this, and I've explained this several times, but she values me being there to talk to. I try to stay away from anything that may sound cliche or contrived. Pretty much keep it to "I'm here and will listen as long as you need me to". Occasionally, I'll ask a question but mostly just listen. I probably come off as reasonable but unemotional to her. Now to others, I'm obviously very concerned about if I'm handling this correctly and everyone else insists that I am.

[floryshe]

i have a great deer-in-headlights look so i usually just do that.

[Laney]

I try and get the person to open up and vent with probing questions meant to lead them to a conclusion. I'd elaborate but I'm tired

[stephiphi]

@emily64
I definitely relate to doing the whole "everything will be okay" thing, but not always even believing myself. I also see myself in your last sentence. When I can offer anything to someone I care about, it's just the best.

@DeadMilkman
Interesting. I actually have taken your approach before with some people for whom I felt it would be appropriate. After some research into INFP vulnerability and their desired response, yours is actually what they seek. Just to be heard and listened to, but certainly not reassured. They don't need empty promises or tears; they just want someone to be there. (Well, this is what I recall from the thread. INFPs can correct me if I'm wrong here.)

This actually reminds me of a story I heard once of the Jewish mourning ritual called "sitting shiva", where first-degree relatives sit shiva for seven days and receive visitors. Visitors wait upon their hosts to either speak/grieve openly or sit in silence in honor of those passed. The story centered around the experience of sitting with them in silence, of being there in the truest sense of the word.
It's definitely a story that's stuck with me.

@floryshe
Hahaha! I feel you.

@Laney
Please do elaborate when you have the energy for it; I am all ears!

[Cassieopeia]

I'm a lot better at giving advice over text, haha. I think I'm okay/pretty good at comforting people in person... not the best though. I pretty much ask them questions to become aware of what they're feeling and then try to offer positive solutions or ways of thinking about the situation. When a friend is just crying in person, crying and saying nothing, I have no idea what to do at all. I just feel horrible, might even cry myself. People tell me I'm a good shoulder to cry on (I give good emotional support), but I've... never actually hugged someone and let them cry on my shoulder (except for once, my mom who hugged me first). The thing is I'm really bad at initiating physical contact, which is what I feel is actually needed when people are crying. Maybe next time that happens, I'll try.

[Laney]

I try and get the person to open up and vent with probing questions meant to lead them to a conclusion. I'd elaborate but I'm tired

If someone is upset over a problem I will try and get enough info out of them to form a plan to make it better. If they're just overwhelmed I'll probe and guide them into a clearer picture of their thoughts and situation.

[emily64]

I'm a lot better at giving advice over text, haha. I think I'm okay/pretty good at comforting people in person... not the best though. I pretty much ask them questions to become aware of what they're feeling and then try to offer positive solutions or ways of thinking about the situation. When a friend is just crying in person, crying and saying nothing, I have no idea what to do at all. I just feel horrible, might even cry myself. People tell me I'm a good shoulder to cry on (I give good emotional support), but I've... never actually hugged someone and let them cry on my shoulder (except for once, my mom who hugged me first). The thing is I'm really bad at initiating physical contact, which is what I feel is actually needed when people are crying. Maybe next time that happens, I'll try.

The first time I actually hugged someone and let them cry on my shoulder I realized I'd waited too long to do that because it is SO much less awkward that way, strangely. This might sound stupid but you don't have to see their face, which keeps you more level, and once you initiate you can just stand there and they'll calm down a lot faster from my experiences, haha

[Thumper]

Often I actually just let someone cry out on my shoulder. It depends on how they react when they are sad. If they just cry I let them cry out and maybe they will talk to you and maybe they want. Then I'm also mostly the "every thing is gonna be okay" type, but I always feel fine with what I say, and I never regret it! (I also think a lot about it though).
If I can't talk to them, I send them music witch I know have helped two of my friends. It's the best feeling to help someone anyway so I do everything I can no matter what.