[Razare]

I won't say I'm not immature,

Neither will I, it's overrated! :D

I have very few close friends, (as in I can count them on one hand) and I was worried about him as you would be for a best friend who was clearly going through a difficult time in his life.

Yeah, I understand that. I'm the type of person who will help almost anyone who asks for it... so I can get snagged into worrying over people when it doesn't make any logical sense to. :)

[Eleven]

In case anyone is still interested, the ISFJ finally contacted me yesterday, at a mutual friend's urging, and we ended up having a two hour phone conversation last night. We talked through a lot of things, and I can already tell that he is much more mature than he was a year ago when I last spent time with him. For example, last year he would have done what you were talking about, @Razare, and just said what he thought I wanted to hear/whatever would avoid conflict. Last night we actually talked about that directly, and a lot of things he said were what I needed to hear rather than just what I wanted to hear, so that's really good. For now we plan on taking things slowly and trying to rebuild our friendship as much as we can, this time with better communication.

I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read through this, and if anyone has advice for how to make a better relationship and avoid problems in the future, that would be awesome. I've never been in a situation quite like this before and some more experienced opinions would be really helpful. :)

[teddy564339]

My best friend is an ISFJ, and I've known a few others. That bold statement is a huuuuge load of total bull shit. ISFJ's are agreeable, especially younger ones. You get them into a conversation and you can twist and influence them... this is why they'll often avoid conversations when there's conflict. He had no real intention of continuing to be your friend, he only said that to not hurt you... many ISFJ's would rather save face and minimize conflict, than tell the truth.

Now, if you confronted one about this, they'll likely deny they're doing it. In fact, I am certain they would. The thing is if you view it in the light I view it, it doesn't allow them to save face... the only way to save face when viewing themselves is to warp their perceptions and viewpoint of themselves.

They do this because they put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect... but they can't be. So things like denial and perspective warping are mentally healthy endeavors for them.

All in all I think this is very true for ISFJs. I think part of the problem is that when these kinds of things come up, we're usually caught off guard, and it's our natural response not to hurt people, even if it means being dishonest (or at least not completely honest). So we can have a huge tendency to say things that aren't true not to hurt people. Sometimes we even actually do things we don't want to do just to avoid hurting someone.

I do think we're usually better about this if we have time to prepare for it, however. If we know that we have to hurt someone, if we can build up and kind of figure out a way to be truthful and yet tactful, then we're a lot better at saying what needs to be said.

And of course, there are plenty of times when we truly do mean all of the positive things that we say/feel...it's not like we lie all of the time.

In case anyone is still interested, the ISFJ finally contacted me yesterday, at a mutual friend's urging, and we ended up having a two hour phone conversation last night. We talked through a lot of things, and I can already tell that he is much more mature than he was a year ago when I last spent time with him. For example, last year he would have done what you were talking about, @Razare, and just said what he thought I wanted to hear/whatever would avoid conflict. Last night we actually talked about that directly, and a lot of things he said were what I needed to hear rather than just what I wanted to hear, so that's really good. For now we plan on taking things slowly and trying to rebuild our friendship as much as we can, this time with better communication.

I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read through this, and if anyone has advice for how to make a better relationship and avoid problems in the future, that would be awesome. I've never been in a situation quite like this before and some more experienced opinions would be really helpful. :)

I'm glad that it sounds like it's working out ok. I agree with you that it's good to keep hold of the true friends that you have, even if there are periods where you don't speak or if problems pop up. Hopefully he's worked through some of the issues he's had, and hopefully he'll be able to be honest with you going forward.

[Eleven]

All in all I think this is very true for ISFJs. I think part of the problem is that when these kinds of things come up, we're usually caught off guard, and it's our natural response not to hurt people, even if it means being dishonest (or at least not completely honest). So we can have a huge tendency to say things that aren't true not to hurt people. Sometimes we even actually do things we don't want to do just to avoid hurting someone.

I do think we're usually better about this if we have time to prepare for it, however. If we know that we have to hurt someone, if we can build up and kind of figure out a way to be truthful and yet tactful, then we're a lot better at saying what needs to be said.

And of course, there are plenty of times when we truly do mean all of the positive things that we say/feel...it's not like we lie all of the time.

In my experience, all of this seems to be true. I don't think most ISFJs deliberately deceive people or anything... They just really want to avoid causing any sort of conflict or upset, even though sometimes conflict is necessary. I get that - I think most of us INFJs often do the same.

I'm glad that it sounds like it's working out ok. I agree with you that it's good to keep hold of the true friends that you have, even if there are periods where you don't speak or if problems pop up. Hopefully he's worked through some of the issues he's had, and hopefully he'll be able to be honest with you going forward.

He's actually been seeing a therapist for about a month now, and apparently she's already made a lot of progress with him, but they're still working on some things. Obviously this takes time, but since I know he's doing what he can to make things better, I have no problem waiting. And I totally agree about trying to keep friends. I have never had a better friend than him, and I'm not about to just give up on that when there's a chance of repairing things between us.

[leftbanke]

I am an INFJ, and it's very difficult for me to be happy when someone that I care about clearly isn't.

Well said... and I think you are very mature. If my ISFJ son ever pulled this disappearing stunt on me I'd track him down and verbally blast him for it. I've done something similar to him once for an equally offensive judgment he tossed on me. We're good now, and I'm glad I didn't let him get away with it... I overlooked other things with him when he was younger because I was intimidated by his opinions; I respect him a great deal but I've learned to cherish myself as he should, too (I am his mom for goodness sake & this just proves that ability the ISFJ's have to be tough).