About me

**Xihinja** · 02-21-2012 05:01 AM

At times I feel a sudden urge to do something. Let me rephrase that. It's as if there's something inside that tells me that a task needs to be done. An example of this would be when I would suddenly feel a need to catch up on reading (assigned by my school's pitiful, soon-to-be-euthanized, freshman humanities program) while lathering my scalp with Old Spice body wash. There's a definite distinction between what I want, what I need, and what I actually accomplish in life. Much of what I do is "spur of the moment."

I feel that I would do well in a field such as counseling, in which I'd be able to engage in one-on-one interactions, as opposed to working on a large team (seeing that I'm prone to compromising to the ideas of others without giving any consideration to their actual value).

My thinking, emotions, and internalized states of being are more coherently understood by both others, as well as myself, when I transfuse it into a physical medium such as writing or music. When I am engaged, a certain feeling takes over. Everything just "comes to me." The ideas start to flow. At times, it's cathartic. Though alcohol is a useful social lubricant for interpersonal expression, I have no problem turning to music or writing.

I believe that suppression of one's impulses leads to greater virtue, yet I have no self control. At times, I consciously have to remind myself to be mature. This holds true not only for academics (right now, I'm resting on my laurels and experiencing a cycle of deep procrastination), but also the realm of social interaction.

My day is not very structured. I'm nocturnal. My father passed away when I was five years old. I love him dearly. My Chinese mother (who's since remarried) is not at all a "tiger mother," but at times could pose as a wolf in sheep's clothing. I love her too, since I know that she's been through all sorts of hell. But I wish I could purge myself of the remnants of my ultraconservative, evangelical Christian, neurotic, anxiety-ridden upbringing. I don't want to pursue a career in chemistry, yet it is what I am good at. I went to a Midwestern public high school. It was hell in the sense that I sold my soul and followed the overachieving, Asian crowd. Science research? Orchestra? Extracurricular math and science classes? Yeah, I did them all. School was my job. And I was damn good at it. I am irrational, hypocritical and arrogant. I don't believe in stereotypes and labels, yet I know that they exist anyway. I am also struggling with coming to terms with my sexuality, as well as my sexual orientation.

My passions include music (I love classical music, all sorts of metal, electronic music, and classic rock), running, violin, drugs (I don't use hard drugs, but I just love learning about them), and learning about the brain (I know, it's about as general as you can get). I hope to one day pursue a career in psychiatry. I have a calm exterior, and I usually "shut down" during social interactions. I find it very hard to forgive, and nearly impossible to forget, the actions of those who've wronged me. I'm sure that I've painted for you a very angsty picture of my character, but let me assure you, I am a very gentle, kind, and loyal INFP.