[Eternal pursuit]

I'm a 46 yo INFP woman who has been hooking up with a 27 yo INTP guy regularly for about a year. He was my personal trainer a few years ago (that's how we met) but last year we turned our friendship into a FWB relationship. I'm divorced and single. He's single too.

We've been getting together once or twice a week for the past 2 months and at least twice a month or more before that; we have been meeting consistantly throughout the year. It's strictly sex. He won't kiss me or be very affectionate. When we get together we usually talk for a while and then have sex. He initiates most of the contact.

This has worked for me because I have serious issues with intimacy in relationships. I've avoided real relationships because I struggle with closeness due to abuse in my early teen years. The distance in this arrangement has worked for me. Even though I'd like more affection, it's probably best there isn't so I don't get more attached.

We've kept this relationship on the low (or so I thought). His best friend knows and that was okay with me but I recently found out that he told some of his co workers at the gym I still work out at. I was really disappointed in him. He doesn't work there anymore so I don't see him there but I see his old co workers/friends and I'm really embarrassed they know.

I didn't get angry with him but I playfully let him know it wasn't cool of him to betray my privacy and trust. All of a sudden he stopped texting me. A week has gone by with no contact so I reached out to him today to find out what was going on and told him I missed him. He texted, "I'm not emotionally vested. You shouldn't miss me. I don't give you what you want." WTF??? Where the hell did that come from? I asked him to explain this to me and I haven't heard anything yet.

Of course I care about him. I'm not made of wood. I believed he cared about me in his own way. I can't imagine continuing to have sex with someone as often as we did without some feelings developing. It seems impossible to me.

I'm completely confused by how someone I've been sleeping with frequently for an entire year can just push away and shut things down without much explanation. Is this normal INTP behavior?

[Jennywocky]

Apparently he thinks you want something that he can't give. You would know better than anyone here what you've talked about with him; user your Ne to figure out the potential items that might have turned him off.

(For example, based on his comment, it sounds like he thinks that you want more than just FWB, as you originally agreed on. What happened that might have given him that idea? Track it backwards... If no specific thing has happened, then analyze your behavior with him; what things have you said or done that he might have misconstrued as you wanting more than FWB?)

It doesn't seem that difficult to me. He's giving you a logical conclusion. Trace it back to get some ideas where it might have come from, then decide if his perception is wrong and address what you think is worth addressing.

I don't think INTPs are "black boxes," either gender. It's not hard to figure out where we're coming from, you just need to trace the logic process.

[BUtheBabyUnicorn]

Lol, I'm not male, but I can cut off ties with people without much regret. I've done it plenty of times.
If I sense that it's just not going to work out (which has always just been friendship, in my case, as I'm only 14 and I don't really wish to have any sort of sexual relations with people right now... I'd probably get addicted anyway XD), I'll cut all ties to that person.
I was friends with this guy last year, until he started making uncomfortable advances on me. Then I got him in trouble for it and no longer speak to him.
I'm not even very strongly T and I don't have any problem with breaking relationships. I'm pretty sure other INTPs would do so as well. I remember there being a thread about it as well (not exactly fwb, but relationships in general).

[Jennywocky]

If I sense that it's just not going to work out (which has always just been friendship, in my case, as I'm only 14 and I don't really wish to have any sort of sexual relations with people right now... I'd probably get addicted anyway XD), I'll cut all ties to that person.

Do you tell him that before dropping him or do you just avoid him? (Just curious.)

I think that's an INTP trait. We "logic" things with big-picture thinking. This is probably why I don't waste a lot of time casual dating; I can usually see up front whether the relationship can go somewhere. I know some guys felt like I didn't give them a chance; it was hard to explain that I already knew it just wasn't going to be a relationship that satisfied me, and likely one where they wouldn't be happy with me either, so I just didn't want to invest.

Drawing those big-picture conclusions are a typical hallmark. And emotions don't really impact that; I know for me, I can still break something off where I like someone, if I can tell it's pretty much not going to work for whatever reason. It doesn't matter how I feel, what matters is whether I see it as possible for people to have their long-term needs met.

[Eternal pursuit]

I've told him multiple times that this relationship has been safe for me because there is nowhere for it to go. I suppose he could have gotten freaked out from me telling him I still care about him even when I get upset with him.

[Muser]

I have had no experience in relationships and you will probably be able to tell with my response, but here goes:

No offense, but you both agreed that it was a friends-with-benefits arrangement from the beginning. It's not his fault that you're expecting something more.
Why do people always set themselves up like that?
It looks like he doesn't care about you the way you do about him. Does it really matter why?

[Eternal pursuit]

Good observation. Re: expectations...I guess I expected a less brutal ending.

[Eternal pursuit]

Could you really dump someone so abruptly after hooking up with them regularly for an entire year? Even if it is a FWB, sex is still a really intimate act.

[BUtheBabyUnicorn]

Do you tell him that before dropping him or do you just avoid him? (Just curious.)

I think that's an INTP trait. We "logic" things with big-picture thinking. This is probably why I don't waste a lot of time casual dating; I can usually see up front whether the relationship can go somewhere. I know some guys felt like I didn't give them a chance; it was hard to explain that I already knew it just wasn't going to be a relationship that satisfied me, and likely one where they wouldn't be happy with me either, so I just didn't want to invest.

Drawing those big-picture conclusions are a typical hallmark. And emotions don't really impact that; I know for me, I can still break something off where I like someone, if I can tell it's pretty much not going to work for whatever reason. It doesn't matter how I feel, what matters is whether I see it as possible for people to have their long-term needs met.

I dislike confrontation, so I don't tell them. It's a bit rude, I know, but I rather just disappear then tell someone, "Yeah, you just don't fit in my life, I'll just go away now~"
I don't see a point in casual dating.
I can usually tell if someone is going to eventually get on my nerves. I dislike compromising. If there's someone/something that would be more perfect for me in the future than someone else who is close by, I'd rather wait for the near-perfect person.

[nadjasix]

Could you really dump someone so abruptly after hooking up with them regularly for an entire year? Even if it is a FWB, sex is still a really intimate act.

He was your personal trainer. And he's more than a decade younger than you are.

It was a booty call.