[INTP] "Love Languages" - Dr. Chapman

"Love Languages" - Dr. Chapman

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This is a discussion on "Love Languages" - Dr. Chapman within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    "Love Languages" - Dr. Chapman

    My ESFP wife digs the "Five Love Languages" thing, see
    The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

    I looked at the book, and it did not speak to me. What would make my imagined ideal relationship special to me has something to do with unexpressed or half-expressed clever cues. I say imagined since I never found that. But an example from a past INTP love interest: we both liked 1776, so I once signed an email, "Saltpetre, <my name>." She responded normally, and signed hers "Pins, <her name>"

    That made me feel warm & fuzzy.

    The five seem too concrete, circumscribed. Mental synergy perhaps?

    Thoughts?



  2. #2
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I like the idea that people have different styles of expressing and receiving love and that recognizing and understanding this can improve relationships, but the five love languages as described by the author didn't work for me. they just seem too broadly generic and impersonal and "identify the correct button to push, push it, and profit", I don't know.

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I find it pretty applicable when hashed out in real life - with, say, a romantic partner. Or if you look at couples you know, or your parents, you can sort of see how and why they have miscommunications. The wife may want words of affirmation, but all she gets day in and day out is a healthy dose of "physical touch" attempts. That's why she's bitter and pissed - cuz all he wants is to get some nooky. But, all she wants is to be valued, appreciated, and told that she matters. It's real stuff and I've seen an actual couple completely turn things around after learning to step out of their own way of thinking and to really make an honest attempt at doing the things that their partner desires.
    maust thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Eleventeenth View Post
    I find it pretty applicable when hashed out in real life - with, say, a romantic partner.
    I agree to the principle; I just don't feel a particular connection to any of his five, and rather feel like "shared thoughts and glances" would be closer to mine.

  5. #5

    Like others have said, the love languages concept itself is important -- people need to recognize not everyone gives and receives love in the same way -- but it seems to be hit or miss.

    The best category for me there would be "quality time," but really none of the categories resonate with me. It was frustrating to have different people ask me and each time have to say I didn't really gel with the system.

  6. #6
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by yitznewton View Post
    I agree to the principle; I just don't feel a particular connection to any of his five, and rather feel like "shared thoughts and glances" would be closer to mine.
    That's a good starting point that you know that about yourself. It almost sounds like you're saying "I enjoy intuitive conversation."

    A more important question, however - and I think this is the point of the book - is what types of things make your wife feel warm and fuzzy? Don't answer that on the forum obviously - that's for your information only - but, if you can figure that out, then you can start making some real progress - in her eyes, and in her happiness. I'd argue that by doing that, she will then want to make you happier. It cycles back around - and comes full circle to benefit you. You make her happier ---> she wants to make you happier ---> life gets better.

  7. #7

    I'm not really sure what mine is, because any one of those five in excess will irritate me. I guess I like a blend? Is that an option? Maybe?

  8. #8
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by anarchitektur View Post
    I'm not really sure what mine is, because any one of those five in excess will irritate me. I guess I like a blend? Is that an option? Maybe?
    Yeah, I believe he says that you'll have 2 or 3 that you prefer - and to varying degrees. Like most of this personality stuff, it's all on a continuum.
    anarchitektur thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Eleventeenth View Post
    Yeah, I believe he says that you'll have 2 or 3 that you prefer - and to varying degrees. Like most of this personality stuff, it's all on a continuum.
    I prefer to think of it as a buffet instead of a continuum. That might be because I'm starving right now.
    sweetraglansweater and Eleventeenth thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by anarchitektur View Post
    I prefer to think of it as a buffet instead of a continuum. That might be because I'm starving right now.
    Maybe your love language is "being taken to buffets on a regular basis"?


     
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