[bob112]

Does any of you, INTP's, have had the sad experience of dealing with the death of a beloved parent? Or does any of you would have a link to an article/study covering the topic, specifically for NT's?
To describe my situation shortly: my mum was taken in a palliative unit 15 months ago. I managed to get her out, by giving her a lot of love, patience and make her see futur possibilities in life. She lived with us for over 6 months. I live abroad and as she missed her mother language, some family members and wanted to do some more rehab so she went to a elderly people's home in her native country, 3 months ago. She should come back to out place in 2 weeks, but has been taken again to a palliative unit. And this time it is final.
It bothers me that I do have mixed feelings. On the one hand I will lose a person I love dearly and with whom I shared many great moments in the past and I feel great and deep emotional pain concerning her death at hand. On the other hand dealing daily with my mum generally and dealing with the care taking specifically drains me. Me, having ADD doesn't help ofcourse. The latter gives me feelings of relief that she will go.
Any advice from first hand or studies would be greatly appreciated.

[Tootsie]

I don't know but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your situation. I don't have any advice but I need some as well. My mother is ill with cancer.

[Lala]

I lost my father recently, it was kind of sudden, but not so sudden that we could not prepare ourselves in some minimal way. Not that you are ever truly prepared to lose people you love so dearly, but it was not so immediate that we did not see it coming. He did not suffer a prolonged illness, but was fighting with an acute one for at least a month, when in all honesty, if he had to go it would have been better for all involved if he had just gotten hit by a bus or something quick. I do not think you should feel guilty about anything you are feeling, I cannot emphasize that enough. You did such an admirable thing, taking your mother in and caring for her was truly so selfless. It is understandable that you are tired, anyone would be.

I think dealing with the actual death of a person is such a personal thing, no one can really tell you what to do. Some people find comfort in gods and heavens, but I have no such beliefs. I have to settle things myself in my own head, I have nothing external to guide me through this process. I just know that death comes for everything at some point in time, it is a natural occurrence and completely unavoidable. It is bound to happen at some point or another, to me, or any number of people I hold close to my heart. I feel it all the time and learn to live along side it, it actually helps me savor every moment I have on this planet. These thoughts do not greatly diminish the pain itself, but it does compact it into something I can personally deal with. Dealing with the other people who are also suffering from this loss is actually the biggest issue I am having during this whole experience.

I honestly believe you just have to roll with what you are feeling, and do your best to look towards the future and keep on living. Sorry for being an INFP ~~ You can ignore me if you want. :P

[zobot]

Does any of you, INTP's, have had the sad experience of dealing with the death of a beloved parent? Or does any of you would have a link to an article/study covering the topic, specifically for NT's?
To describe my situation shortly: my mum was taken in a palliative unit 15 months ago. I managed to get her out, by giving her a lot of love, patience and make her see futur possibilities in life. She lived with us for over 6 months. I live abroad and as she missed her mother language, some family members and wanted to do some more rehab so she went to a elderly people's home in her native country, 3 months ago. She should come back to out place in 2 weeks, but has been taken again to a palliative unit. And this time it is final.
It bothers me that I do have mixed feelings. On the one hand I will lose a person I love dearly and with whom I shared many great moments in the past and I feel great and deep emotional pain concerning her death at hand. On the other hand dealing daily with my mum generally and dealing with the care taking specifically drains me. Me, having ADD doesn't help ofcourse. The latter gives me feelings of relief that she will go.
Any advice from first hand or studies would be greatly appreciated.

I understand you are in pain. You are wise to seek advice about mixed emotions, which are generally taboo when we talk about the death of a loved-one. But shouldn't you only feel sad? Isn't this an all-mourning, black-and-white event? Well, if we lived in a 2-dimensional world, we would react to it in 2-dimension. Of course, our lives and relationships are far more complex than that---and human emotions often sensibly reflect the disorganized, seemingly irrational world we live in.

While you brace for your mother's death, I can imagine you feel a combination of deep loss, sadness, fear, and (ironic) discomfited relief, the combination of which stirs further confusion, and possibly an entirely new and painful emotion: guilt. This kind of an emotional barrage upon an unsuspecting, unprepared INTP, can ignite into personal crisis:

He believes emotions to be of a lesser substance than logic and his natural goal would be to conquer his emotions with pure rationality...For the INTP, emotions are seen as something mysterious and as uncontrollable as they are unalterable. Hence, the root of the fear of emotions is the fear that they cannot be controlled. Hence, when an INTP does finally respond emotionally to something, his emotions are indeed left uncontrolled, raw and open...INTP fears that he does not have the emotional competence to deal with disharmony. INTPs never like doing something until they know they can do it. The best cure for this reticence is experience: to express his feelings, to live through disharmony and come out the other side with greater experience of his emotional side.

-- Personaily Nation (INTP)

It's safe to assume that the loss of a central, significant loved-one (Mom & Dad) will prove particularly difficult for anyone. An INTP who chooses to neglect, disrespect, repress, or dismiss his/ her true emotional self will have a particularly difficult time in mourning. Despite our best efforts, emotions stubbornly live within us, the same as everyone else. It is easy for us to dominate emotions with reason and logic---yet our means of control are ultimately flawed and dangerous, leaving us poorly equipped to handle the frightening business of feeling.

My advice is to embrace all of your complex emotions---accept them, embody them, and believe them. Try not to hate them or judge them, as this may only further complicate things, and refuses any practical strategy for catharsis. If it makes you uncomfortable to express emotions in front of others, I suggest you find time and space to cry. Yes, I am INTP (to the bone!), and I encourage you to bawl your eyes out. Why not? Who will see? What will happen, if you do? In fact, your natural logic can really help, here: experiencing your emotions---as out of control as they might seem---cannot ever kill or harm you. Why would you need to fear them?

I wish you the very best, during this difficult time. I can only imagine how awful it must be, to say goodbye to your mother. Be brave. But remember to be a sissy, too. I'm sure we are all of us some measure of both.

[Ziggurat]

I think dealing with the actual death of a person is such a personal thing, no one can really tell you what to do. Some people find comfort in gods and heavens, but I have no such beliefs. I have to settle things myself in my own head, I have nothing external to guide me through this process. I just know that death comes for everything at some point in time, it is a natural occurrence and completely unavoidable. It is bound to happen at some point or another, to me, or any number of people I hold close to my heart. I feel it all the time and learn to live along side it, it actually helps me savor every moment I have on this planet. These thoughts do not greatly diminish the pain itself, but it does compact it into something I can personally deal with. Dealing with the other people who are also suffering from this loss is actually the biggest issue I am having during this whole experience.

I honestly believe you just have to roll with what you are feeling, and do your best to look towards the future and keep on living. Sorry for being an INFP ~~ You can ignore me if you want. :P

Gawd, I love INFPs.


I have similar experiences whenever someone close to me dies.

I can deal with it rather well if I'm by myself, but as soon as I see someone else who is upset, I break down.

[gravitycantforget]

...as soon as I see someone else who is upset, I break down.

when one of my sisters died quite suddenly i was a little tearful at first and had twinges of sadness. at the time of the funeral i was just numb and when the service was over i went past her partner and he look so lonely and sad that I couldnt help breaking down in floods of tears