[teflon]

I find that my emotional retardation really gets me in trouble a lot of times.

Like when I say things, or do things that offend people or hurt people's feelings, I usually don't know why it upsets them, and I find it hard to understand what the big deal is all the freaking time about tip-toeing around people.
Usually I stay quiet around people I don't know, out of fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and either looking like an idiot, or hurting someone's feelings.

Also, when I am comfortable enough to finally express myself, and someone like my boyfriend or my best friend gets upset about something I say or do, I try to ask why they feel the way they do, and I get the "you should know what you did wrong" treatment...

In all honesty, I usually have NO CLUE what it was that I did or said to set them off... and it's really really frustrating... It makes me avoid people... I really really have a hard time identifying exactly what's appropriate or inappropriate, and oftentimes I end up looking like an insensitive asshole, which makes me feel like an idiot.



Does anyone else have this problem?

[jochris]

INTP's are known to seem cold and harsh with words; we don't mean it, we just don't see the point in sugar-coating.

When dealing with most people, I'll usually make use of my ENTP side - which makes me more sensitive to people. Though, I still often find myself unintentionally offending people by making INTP comments (can't get away from being an INTP even if I wanted to). My best friends know this about me though, and they like that I tell the truth. When they come to me with problems, I don't always give them the most pleasant advice, but they know that I will give them the most realistic advice, which they value.

Maybe you should have a talk with your boyfriend and best friends? It seems like they don't understand you too well.

[starri]

I'm assuming you made this thread because you are actually seeking a method of changing the problem you address. First of all I think that is a good step towards finding the answers you want.

A lot of people have intelligent social skills and yet manage to display honest/useful/unbiased opinions that express who they are and benefit others. So please don't commit the folly of thinking by being blunt you are being honest.

For INTPs I witnessed they have an advanced ability to manage and identify leverage points - if the situation does not concern them personally. In short they are able to be useful/wise/calm advisers or observers. But when society demands their own pro-activity concerning their own stance - that's when it is trouble [ie tactless].

It is so easy to dismiss society at large as being super sensitive/extra stupid -- the hard part is to bridge these gaps. A marketing person cannot blame the failure of his commercial on the crowd not being receptive or innovative enough to get it.

Speaking everybody's language is what I am trying to say. It's like every class or specific society has made a somehow universal language to use. The truly smart thing to do is to find the balance between authenticity and social refinement.

A more specific example is perhaps my dealings with my friends. We almost never step on eggshells. Even the truly sensitive ones/types. We are dissing, commenting on everything and nitpicking all the time. But I would kill for them and they know it. They would also kill for me. My 2nd point is, if they are confident of the place they have in your life and how much you value them, almost all your actions will be accepted. For some INxPs I know i sense that they view their mere presence in the social circle as a gift that we should all bow for, and are astonished when friends blame them that they don't care. To them their logic is * i showed up and I'm wasting my time with you then i definitely like you, what else do you want?*. Unfortunately just being present is not perceived as a gift, because people prefer to be in the company of others who value them -- and constantly show it. Yes - you might dismiss this as too much to ask, and that the people are insecure, but that is how society mainly operates.

Probably you will notice this as you start to accept the weaknesses and people's emotions and your own you will be able to start developing your Fe function and use plenty of Ne [get it out of the box] and find it easier to know what ticks people.

Best of luck

[Harley]

I wouldn't consider myself socially awkward, as more socially apathetic. I know I come across as quiet and aloof to people, because I seem to never approach anybody nor have any interest to, but once someone has the courage to come and talk to me I wouldn't say I open easily, but rather I articulate my thought very so well, so I don't come off as weird or awkward.

There is just something so burdening about having to talk to people, and putting the effort and putting yourself out there (I know I'm a total lazy fuck). Relationships of any kind require work, but I prefer the kinds were I don't have to put in much effort. I guess that's why I befriend extroverted people easier because they're the proactive one, and I just get to sit back and chill.

[Perseus]

I find that my emotional retardation really gets me in trouble a lot of times.

Like when I say things, or do things that offend people or hurt people's feelings, I usually don't know why it upsets them, and I find it hard to understand what the big deal is all the freaking time about tip-toeing around people.
Usually I stay quiet around people I don't know, out of fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and either looking like an idiot, or hurting someone's feelings.

Also, when I am comfortable enough to finally express myself, and someone like my boyfriend or my best friend gets upset about something I say or do, I try to ask why they feel the way they do, and I get the "you should know what you did wrong" treatment...

In all honesty, I usually have NO CLUE what it was that I did or said to set them off... and it's really really frustrating... It makes me avoid people... I really really have a hard time identifying exactly what's appropriate or inappropriate, and oftentimes I end up looking like an insensitive asshole, which makes me feel like an idiot.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Yep, I have this problem. I never paid it any mind, until people started getting nasty and very violent. It is mainly the Guards SJ and the Crazies SF. They used to get violent before, but there are more punks around nowadays.

[InFlux]

As comfortable as I am being who I am naturally, I am finally recognizing my social responsibility. Some days I'm ok with it, but on those days where I just say "Fuck it" I try to avoid people because I have a tendency to come off as brash and heartless. Internally though, I really just wish people would give understanding me a chance. Most don't, but that has never really been bothersome until recently because I was always content in my mind. Now I'm kind of being ... born again in a way, and I feel like I've been thrust into this world where people take things the wrong way, let their insecurities prevent them from building true bonds with people. I don't want to be a recluse in my mind, but when people reject my attempts at getting a little closer (on a friendship level) I feel really rejected and just retreat to that place where my love for myself always wins out. So I guess in that way, I am socially awkward. I also frequently say things that most people probably judge, and judge harshly... I've only recently become aware of said judgments. Or maybe they're just figments of my imagination? Either way, I want closeness, but I don't want it to come at the cost of me.

[teflon]

Yep, I have this problem. I never paid it any mind, until people started getting nasty and very violent. It is mainly the Guards SJ and the Crazies SF. They used to get violent before, but there are more punks around nowadays.

Hahahaha. You know, my mom is ISFP, and you're right; THEY'RE LOONIES. Sometimes, however, it's refreshing because she comes off a lot more awkward than i do a lot of times. hahahahahahaha.

[teflon]

I'm assuming you made this thread because you are actually seeking a method of changing the problem you address. First of all I think that is a good step towards finding the answers you want.

A lot of people have intelligent social skills and yet manage to display honest/useful/unbiased opinions that express who they are and benefit others. So please don't commit the folly of thinking by being blunt you are being honest.

For INTPs I witnessed they have an advanced ability to manage and identify leverage points - if the situation does not concern them personally. In short they are able to be useful/wise/calm advisers or observers. But when society demands their own pro-activity concerning their own stance - that's when it is trouble [ie tactless].

It is so easy to dismiss society at large as being super sensitive/extra stupid -- the hard part is to bridge these gaps. A marketing person cannot blame the failure of his commercial on the crowd not being receptive or innovative enough to get it.

Speaking everybody's language is what I am trying to say. It's like every class or specific society has made a somehow universal language to use. The truly smart thing to do is to find the balance between authenticity and social refinement.

A more specific example is perhaps my dealings with my friends. We almost never step on eggshells. Even the truly sensitive ones/types. We are dissing, commenting on everything and nitpicking all the time. But I would kill for them and they know it. They would also kill for me. My 2nd point is, if they are confident of the place they have in your life and how much you value them, almost all your actions will be accepted. For some INxPs I know i sense that they view their mere presence in the social circle as a gift that we should all bow for, and are astonished when friends blame them that they don't care. To them their logic is * i showed up and I'm wasting my time with you then i definitely like you, what else do you want?*. Unfortunately just being present is not perceived as a gift, because people prefer to be in the company of others who value them -- and constantly show it. Yes - you might dismiss this as too much to ask, and that the people are insecure, but that is how society mainly operates.

Probably you will notice this as you start to accept the weaknesses and people's emotions and your own you will be able to start developing your Fe function and use plenty of Ne [get it out of the box] and find it easier to know what ticks people.

Best of luck

WOW. totally thank you. this really helps out a lot. I just recently noticed this flaw of mine, and I'm almost sad I've let it go on for so long (especially the ignorance toward it).
I'm really working on paying more attention to people in general, and in doing so, I realized that maybe I'm not the best socially equipped person.
If i'm not pissing someone off, I'm getting those "wtf? did she just say that?" looks... OR people think I'm crazy (or lame) because my humor is a bit off... Sometimes it can be dead-on, but other times It won't make sense to other people...
ANNND There's always the laughing aloud to myself and not realizing it, or starting a sentence and never finishing it because I forgot what I was gonna say because I sorta zoned out in thought about something probably wayyyyy off topic... people are generally turned-off by that.

[teflon]

There is just something so burdening about having to talk to people, and putting the effort and putting yourself out there (I know I'm a total lazy fuck).

haha, that reminds me, I usually have this "feeling" I get and I describe it as not wanting to put forth the effort to speak (I don't think it as being lazy so much as me not wanting to have to explain myself, and I feel like in almost every conversation, i end up explaining something or another because something usually reminds me of something else that they haven't heard of, or never thought about as thoroughly as I did.)

[thewindlistens]

For some INxPs I know i sense that they view their mere presence in the social circle as a gift that we should all bow for, and are astonished when friends blame them that they don't care. To them their logic is * i showed up and I'm wasting my time with you then i definitely like you, what else do you want?*. Unfortunately just being present is not perceived as a gift, because people prefer to be in the company of others who value them -- and constantly show it. Yes - you might dismiss this as too much to ask, and that the people are insecure, but that is how society mainly operates.

Yeah, I noticed that some people see me exactly like that. But it really isn't true. I don't see my presence as a gift, the whole concept of these 'gifts' is foreign to me. And yeah, I'm sure society mainly operates this way for you feelers, but I just can't handle that. Friendship with people, to me, mainly consists of "hey guys, let's go do something fun" and "hey guys, let's talk about something interesting." When someone does say to me that I don't care, like you put it, my thoughts go: "What the hell? Your brain seriously works like that?"

The only times I've actively tried not to be socailly awkward as it is defined in this thread I either ended up being completely quiet and feeling miserable or feeling like I was constantly betraying myself and feeling miserable. I'd rather just speak my mind and keep my relatively good mood, thank you.

So... some people end up hating me. I see that as their problem, not mine. It works for me. I have enough good friends who understand me the way I am. And some who peraps don't but still tolerate my quirks. They all have my loyalty and love.