A dating relationship between an ISTJ and an INTP

**brightteyes** · 10-11-2010 07:52 PM

I am currently dating an ISTJ and I find it really hard to connect with him because he does not share his feelings as much.
He is a really nice guy and everything, plus he makes me happy. But I would like it if there was some way that I can interpret how he feels about me specifically.
The little things that he says lets me know that I am good enough, but the silence we both have can be awkward because sometimes I feel I might not be good enough anways.
Sometimes I tend to rant and say too much. He listens more than I do, and I feel bad about those times that I don't when I am with him.

-My boyfriend is more social than I am when it comes to family. He is also in football and is associated with people. Technically has more friends than I do.

I think that me going out with him has helped me more with socializing, in a way, because he has a big family, and they're all nice people.

I know that we wouldn't be seeing each other if he didn't like me in the first place.

What are your overall thoughts of and ISTJ and an INTP relationship?

I am open up for anything really, and possibly some advice from some ISTJs.

**kallisti** · 10-11-2010 08:06 PM

I dated an ISTJ for two years, recently broken up (because I moved, nothing personal)

you just have to learn to love the silence! appreciate it for what it is- a happy, healthy relationship where you don't have to blather on for hours to know you like each other. however, I think with time even IxTx's can become a little more open and emotional with each other. I think I broke him a bit, because now he's more "feely". it just takes time. I think it's a great combination of types.

**Ti Dominant** · 10-12-2010 01:12 AM

First of all, an ISTJ is ewwwwwuuuu!!!!

Anyway, here's a few key things you should know about your relationship (given your types) that I hope will help you in finding some level of insight and comfort in this situation. So here we go.

First of all, you guys both share these traits: seriousness, need for quiet, and independence, a need for privacy and alone time. Both are calm and logical, objective in analysis, like to think things through before acting, and enjoy less people socially. Overall, these types are attracted to one another for their differences. ISTJ's are traditional and conservative and INTP's enjoy their common sense approach to life. INTP's also tend to admire their responsibility and maturity. ISTJ's enjoy the INTP's originality, offbeat humor, and intellectual curiosity, not to mention their flexibility and spontaneity. Yet, they can have problems.

First, the ISTJ's judging lifestyle can conflict with the INTP's perceiving lifestyle. While the ISTJ wants closure, the INTP wants to keep their options open. Thus, INTP's can feel stifled by the ISTJ's rules, while ISTJ's feel thrown off by the INTP's unpredictable nature and disregard for structure. Additionally, they may fail to communicate properly, because of their different perspectives. ISTJ's are literal and linear; INTP's are vague, abstract, and unrealistic. INTP's can easily become bored by the ISTJ's predictable topics of discussion. Thus, emotional bonding and communication is essential for this relationship. Both types aren't naturally open about emotions, so they must work very hard to keep the emotions alive and flowing between them.

Here's the tips on how to reach your ISTJ partner (I'll skip the other as you don't seem to have a problem with emotion):

*Watch your ability to be vague or abstract. Stick to the subject at hand without deviating off onto wild tangents. Present your points in a step-by-step linear fashion.
*Respect your partner's need for order and predictability. Try to give them advanced notice as much as possible.
*Don't put your partner on the spot and do not question their authority or competence in front of others.
*Try to finish projects you start on time and don't be as messy.
*Thank your partner for all the things he or she does.

Here's the most important tip I've read:
ISTJ's and INTP's need to work together to create an open, safe atmosphere in which they can explore and deepen their emotional connection. Since both partners fin d talking about feelings difficult, they need to encourage each other to articulate their emotions without fear of judgment or dismissal. By consciously cultivating this side of themselves, they can strengthen their connection.

Hopefully this helps.

**musun69** · 10-12-2010 03:15 AM

Wow...lol, so this is what you were doing yesterday.lol
Im glad you got some help.

**vicki7172** · 10-12-2010 05:39 AM

I have been dating an ISTJ for one and a half years now.

What I've found is that after about 6 months, the F side of him completely came out. He can get all silly and playful with me and tell me that he loves me quite regulary. I play along aswell, but if anything it's too over the top!

If we were going to break up then it would be because he's too sweet with me. I would never ever have predicted that when we first started dating!

I find INTP and ISTJ to be a good partnership. I help to expand his thoughts more and open his mind, whereas he can pull me in when I go off on a tangent that is too abstract and unrealistic about the way the world actually is.
I think that's a good balance, plus it both helps us to see the world nearer to how it actually is.

**brightteyes** · 10-12-2010 08:00 AM

vicki7172

What I've found is that after about 6 months, the F side of him completely came out. He can get all silly and playful with me and tell me that he loves me quite regulary. I play along aswell, but if anything it's too over the top!

Me:

That is what I hope will happen with him. I want both of us to open up to each other. I also want us to be comfortable with spending time together. I think possibly if I had more of a social life that we might be a little bit more connected, esp. if I had a best friend (that goes to my school) that I'm really close to. Than he could get some information from him/ or her (my best friend) instead of always getting my opinion (a.k.a. the source). If you know what I mean.

**brightteyes** · 10-12-2010 08:02 AM

The problem is that I don't have a best friend.

**musun69** · 10-12-2010 02:56 PM

You were on this at school? lol

But yeah...then all you have to do is get one.
Best friends come when you least expect it to come. Trust me. It has always happened like that.

**olivene** · 11-10-2012 05:39 AM

Sorry for the late reply!
I didn't see this before but maybe it can help future INTP-ISTJ pairings.
My situation is (or was) almost identical to the OP's.
After about the 5 month mark my boyfriend seriously went NUTS (in a good way:)...he started with the I love you's profusely and the non-public physical affection. He also is very VERY silly (whereas I'm more whipsmart)...although he brings the silliness out of me at times.
Overall it's a good pairing. I get frustrated because I can't connect with him on a very abstract level but I figure the only reason we would break up is if either one of us moved for graduate school (nothing personal...just time to move on kinda deal).