even though i typically prefer to keep things untied and open-ended.. there are some things, some times that i really, really need closure on - and it drives me crazy when i don't get it. i need to know where i stand. and because i'm not typically a person who wants this, when i do expect it, its a shock.. and it puts someone off who expected me to always be easy-going and laid back about everything.
i go through phases where i forget to pay attention to my nutrition. i can't keep my focus on the mundane for any lengthy amount of time. for the past couple of weeks i have been eating barely enough, and of the wrong foods. now i feel sick for just picking at non-nutritious foods here and there, and not eating anything substantial. i mean i really feel weak and tired like i'm sick.. and i was the one who did this, just by ignoring things that matter, for what.. to crawl into my shell and live in my own fantasy world. sure, great! i don't need things like water, and vegetables.. i'll just live in daydreams and absorb all i need there. i feel like i could fucking faint right now.
i get stuck in one gear. overthink. my mind is tired. my body is tired. i think about engaging other facets of my personality more, then i think about something else, rarely getting out of that gear.
i engage in reality as little as possible. i put work first, and make sure that is taken care of.. but when i don't have that anchor temporarily, i'm likely to disappear into thought and fantasy, unbridled, for who knows how long before something snaps me back out of it.
reality is boring. bars are fucking boring. sports are fucking boring. listening to friends gossip is fucking boring. going to the movies is fucking boring. bowling, your cousins baby shower, your sisters birthday party, going out to lunch to talk about nothing.. fucking boring boring boring. and god dammit i hate boring. i'm a rude asshole because i will be completely preoccupied with whatever is on my mind, instead of listening to you attempt small talk, over plates of food in front of us. my mind seeks stimulation and if i don't get it from you in the moment, i'll forget you exist until you interest me again.. i know, i look bored. i am bored. you don't suck.. i just can't bring myself to pay attention to anything that i'm not interested in.