[bassae]

How can I facilitate and enhance my relationship with an INTP?

What does an INTP want (or need) from someone in a relationship regardless of the other being an ISFJ?

What strategies or tools could I apply?

[sumi]

Oh, i had a counselor who was an ISFJ. I stopped going to her, and felt like it was a bit of a type mismatch. I felt like she needed everything to be very clear - a bit too clear for my taste, because i had to explain a lot of things that seemed obvious to me. They might not have been obvious to someone else, but it became tedious for me to explain everything in detail. I also felt like she wasnt giving me enough space.

I wonder if your INTP would like a lot of space and autonomy, too.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

been in the INTP-ISFJ relationship.

the biggest issues were for me:
* INTP needs space, ISFJ wants attention, this caused alot of friction.
* ISFJ can be controlling. INTPs don't like to be controlled, would rather be asked to do things, but we're also passive and will put up with this behavior for awhile before it becomes an issue.
* communication- ISFJ seemed to want instant answers. INTP wants to ponder things over. It was also tough to open up to the ISFJ emotionally b/c of similar issues. I think it's a J/P conflict.
* the N/S conflict. I felt like the ISFJ didn't understand me, didn't want to understand me. Just wanted to change me into something else.

Like anything else, the way to resolve it is for each person to understand the other and meet in the middle

[Proteus]

You might find this thread about reading INTPs to be informative.

Fe is your secondary function while it tends to be one of the least developed in INTPs and as a result they might come across as cold or distant to you, but that by no means indicates that they don't care or don't want to be open with you.

[Excelsio]

How can I facilitate and enhance my relationship with an INTP?

What does an INTP want (or need) from someone in a relationship regardless of the other being an ISFJ?

What strategies or tools could I apply?

I am a STRONG supporter of THIS BOOK when dealing with relationships... There are some very serious differences in world view between the 2 types involved, but as these 2 types grow older, they become fairly similar, with different strengths and weaknesses

INTP = Ti Ne Si Fe
ISFJ = Si Fe Ti Ne

they use the same 4 functions, just have different preferences for the order of using them...

My old roommate was an ESFJ (Fe Si Ne Ti)... I found that on A LOT of things, we would come to the same conclusion on how to do stuff, or stuff we liked, etc... however if we talked about the metacognition of how we each came to the conclusion we did... we had very very different thought processes.

2 people can make any relationship work... but it takes effort and communication on both peoples parts to do it...

For example, I know that in this point in my life, I don't really enjoy the company of SJ types... I know that they have some very useful traits, and are good people... but I just don't let them in very close to me... I am sure this will change when I want it to... but right now I am content...

[Nitou]

I imagine that could be a difficult relationship. The opposing S/N functions may make it difficult to connect deeply. The opposing F/T functions could cause emotional conflicts and the opposing J/P functions could cause power struggles.

Here are a couple of short articles to answer your question:
Iganokami's Guide to the INTP Mate.
ice_angel's "What an INTP wife wants."
How to keep an INTP man happy

My answer:
~INTP needs intellectual stimulation. This includes books, computers, conversations and debates. Regarding debate, some people don't like it or handle it well. We see it as a sport. See this article The Mannerly Art of Disagreement for guidelines.

~INTP struggles with emotions; they are our weakness. Don't expect us to be adept at dealing with our feelings or yours. But if INTP does open up to you emotionally, it is an act of trust. Please handle with care.

~Don't be too demanding or controlling. INTP will automatically resist being told what to do. We are confused and annoyed by vague demands regarding "the relationship." Nagging and manipulation will cause deep resentment. This does not mean the INTP is unwilling to please you. But please state clearly what it is you want and allow us adequate time to process your request.

~Space. That means we need time alone to play on the computer or read or whatever. It also means we need mental and emotional space. We need time to think about things. We need space to be more spontaneous than planned. We need space to deal with our feelings.
On the other hand, we need loving attention too. I have ended relationships both because of smothering and lack of attention. However, my T preference is fairly weak so I may be more romantic and emotionally needy than the "typical" INTP.

~A healthy INTP is tolerant and low maintenance. We expect the same.

[Promethea]

Here is something that I found a long time ago written from an INTP perspective of the INTP/ISFJ relationship:

" IGANOKAMI'S GUIDE TO THE ISFJ FEMALE: "After reading all the posts on the subject, and my own experience, I have figured out just what goes on at the start for both parties to create a (fatal) relationship between these two tragic enemies, the INTP male and the ISFJ female. Here is my rough guide."

By Iganokami

Phase one: Misperception in attraction
Phase 1-A - At this phase, lasting from the very start to approximately six months to 1.5 years, each party is misunderstanding the other. The INTP sees someone who is very caring and happy and physical and always happy to please. The INTP believes that the ISFJ enjoys pleasing the INTP. The INTP is happy, because he feels loved, and he feels his love is appreciated. For the INTP, the ISFJ is always around, always helping, always hovering, always ready to give. The ISFJ sees a man who is sort of out of place, out of phase, like a lost puppy. The ISFJ wants to mother the puppy, do everything for the puppy, and be loved by the puppy. She loves to do things for her puppy, she wants to nurture it, and she gains love from the appreciation.

Phase 1-B - Eventually, the "puppy" (INTP male) will grow up into a confident and independent dog. The INTP no longer needs the ISFJs smothering "nurturing", and will start to feel smothered and trapped by it, and out of pure instinct will need to get away from it now and then. To the ISFJ, the INTP need to "be alone" is UTTERLY foreign and offensive, an affront to the nurture they work so hard and sacrifice so much for. The ISFJ feels the INTP is taking them for granted, abusing them, and doesnt love them anymore. On the INTPs behalf, he wants to be able to do things on his own now and then, and cant comprehend actions that seem to say "if you dont do <fill in the blank> with me, you dont love me". HOWEVER, an ISFJ will NEVER SAY this, but all of her actions scream this, and the INTP starts to get depressed.

Phase two: Misplaced effort and negative reinforcement

Phase 2-A - The INTP suddenly feels like he is doing something wrong, but has no idea what it is, and the ISFJ will never reveal what is going on except through random outburts and actions. The INTP decides that he must conform to what the ISFJ seems to want. However, the ISFJ herself doesnt know what she wants, so the poor INTP man gets mentally abused by the ISFJ, through constant severe negative reinforcement. EVERYTHING the INTP does is WRONG, so the INTP man tries to change EVERYTHING. However, for every gain, for every single habit, need and want the INTP changes or throws away for the ISFJ, it is never enough, and eventually, the INTP man is nothing but an empty shell, a zombie that has thrown his entire life, interests, hobbies, dreams, and feelings, away, in the hopes that "maybe she'll change". But she doesnt. The INTP male NEEDS to have time alone, and the ISFJ is utterly incapable of understanding this, so no matter how much the INTP man changes, more is demanded of him that he cant meet, which only proves to the ISFJ that she is hated.

Phase three: End result

Phase 3-A - The INTP throws away everything that makes him who he is to please this vile creature, yet the ISFJ does absolutely nothing to change at all. The ISFJ feels that she is the victim, that she is unloved by the INTP. The INTP has tried to love her, probably convinced himself that he does, and has tricked himself into believing this, with things like "maybe things will change" and "maybe she does really love me" etc. The INTP male tries for a long time to change for her, but at the same time is pushed and pushed away by mental abuse and negative reinforcement. The ISFJs strongest weapon is to make the INTP feel utterly and completely unloved in the relationship. If she accomplishes this, the INTP is easier to manipulate, because even the slightest smile or a 24 hour period of not getting yelled at is an improvement, and the INTP uses the Ne to say "maybe it isnt so bad after all", until the next time she flips out in a screaming crying fit because the INTP forgot to wipe the coffee drops off the counter after making coffee in the morning, or perhaps he didnt come the instant she called for him while he was sitting at the computer. Or maybe he said he didnt feel like going to the store "right now". Regardless, the INTP is slowly crushed until he is so broken, he stays in the relationship because there is nothing left of him. He has been broken. Or he breaks the other way, and ends it. As was stated in a prior post, suddenly the ISFJ decides she will change, but not because she was doing anything wrong in the first place, but because it just confirms her martyr status. So now, if the INTP stays, the ISFJ becomes the victim, because the INTP will no longer put up with any of the insanity of the ISFJ. The ISFJ will feel as isolated as ever, confirming her martyrhood for once and for all."

[Moocow]

I have a very good relationship with my ISFJ girlfriend, going for almost two years. I don't think the typing conflicts enough to cause problems by itself.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Here is something that I found a long time ago written from an INTP perspective of the INTP/ISFJ relationship:

" IGANOKAMI'S GUIDE TO THE ISFJ FEMALE: "After reading all the posts on the subject, and my own experience, I have figured out just what goes on at the start for both parties to create a (fatal) relationship between these two tragic enemies, the INTP male and the ISFJ female. Here is my rough guide."

In my ISFJ relationship, some of what Iganokami describes is true, but not all. Yes, there is conflict over alone time. Also some guilt and manipulation. But never quite what he describes in "Phase 2-A"

[NeedsNewNameNow]

My answer:
~INTP needs intellectual stimulation. This includes books, computers, conversations and debates. Regarding debate, some people don't like it or handle it well. We see it as a sport. See this article The Mannerly Art of Disagreement for guidelines.

My ISFJ would purposely engage me in debates, and then get upset with me b/c my argument was very precise, thought out, and forceful. She would say that I would make her feel stupid, or 'I have an answer to everything'. I'm not sure what she expects, b/c she stirred a passion, so whatever comes out of me is going to be forceful and not compromised or dumbed-down just to get along. It got to a point where I'd refuse the bait to debate with her.

This does not mean the INTP is unwilling to please you. But please state clearly what it is you want and allow us adequate time to process your request.

Please allow 6-8 weeks for handling