INFP in love with a INTP

[abeille]

Hello!

I need a little help warning, this is going to be long...

I have a very good friend, I've known him since we were 17. I am an INFP and he's an INTP. When we were in high school, we were best friends. He told me he was in love with me as soon as I was single. But I didn't return the feelings at the time and met my now husband at the same time. We remained friends for about a year and lost touch when I got married. That was 8 years ago.

We've reconnected in the last few months and I've realized I am in love with him. I am still with my husband, but we are in the process separating/divorcing (I began this process of leaving my husband months before I reconnected with my INTP friend, he has nothing to do with the split).

The problem is that he sends off mixed signals. We will meet, and everytime we meet we have deep conversations about everything and anything, we have a lot in common and both enjoy intelligent conversations. He's also made it very clear that he thinks I'm beautiful, on many occasions. If we accidentally touch, he won't move away. Anytime we meet, he seems to be extremely into me.

But, I am often the one making the first steps, contacting him first and getting him to come meet me. He has invited me out a few times, but 75% of the time, it's me making the first moves. When we meet, he's often the first one to leave. If we have a moment where things seem to be moving toward a romantic relation, he'll play hermit for a few days after that. But he always comes back and always seems even more into me than before. There seems to be some sort of battle going on inside of him.

I can't quite read him. Is this normal INTP behavior? Is he only acting this way because I am not yet divorced? He is a very sensitive guy and not at all a "player". Should I wait for him to make a move? Or do I make a move? If I make a move, how do I let him know how I feel, without scaring him away? I don't want to ruin this friendship.

Sorry, this is a lot of questions... Thanks to everyone who answers.

[Jorge]

Hehe the interest is definitely there. This is from my point of view, but keep in mind that although I am an INTP, this comes more from my upbringing and my subjective point of view.

I think you answered your own question. Yes, he might feel a BIT uneasy about the whole marriage thing that is still going on. He'd would be willing to see you, but he'd still have some doubts about how committed he wants to seem. After all, didn't you choose another man over him years ago? I wouldn't say the feeling is completely gone, or that the experience was negative, but he might approach this with a little more caution. In my case, I would HATE to fall in the same hole again twice.

And about the whole first steps.... I love it when a woman takes the initiative. I like to see how far another girl is willing to go to catch my attention. I don't believe in the whole "Machismo" and "Hembra" thing that society is often ruled by to create long-lasting relationships. As you've said, he has done it, but remember that affection is not always needed to be comfortable with someone.

In my case, I like someone who I can actually just be quiet with. Where it is not uncomfortable just to be together with someone. If I allow anyone to be with me in everyday events, that's a big step, cause I'm usually locked away in my room when I'm doing so.

Don't feel bad, I'm sure he's interested... but we're weird. It's your fault for falling for one of us =P.

[abeille]

Thank you Jorge! This is very helpful :) I am still very hesitant to make a move, we INFPs are terrified of rejection and would be willing to stay silent forever rather than experience it.

Any advice on how exactly to let him know? Should I tell him? Kiss him? Email him? Anything I shouldn't do, that would scare him off?

[Nitou]

You have rejected him before, so it is up to you to make a move. He is probably giving you "mixed signals" because he wants a romantic relationship with you but is afraid of getting his feelings hurt. Just kiss him. I bet he'll melt.

[unleashthehounds]

INTP, been in a relationship with INFP

Problem is BOTH our types give off mixed signals, and in my case kept derailing the relationship, even though we both liked each other very much.

In order for it two work- two things need to happen
1) you both need to move out of your comfort zones and not pull back into your shells when you are picking up mixed signals
2) communication communication communication. In my case, her fear of conflict kept important discussions from happening. When an INTP discusses things, he's looking for ways to improve things, not assign blame. From what I understand, the INFP fears being blamed, so these discussions made her uncomfortable, at least that's what seemed to happen in my case.

EDIT- it was a very tough, frustrating relationship. We bonded so well, but we kept hitting the "mixed signal/both pull into your shell" trap, and talking about it never seemed to go well.

[unleashthehounds]

Originally Posted by abeille

Thank you Jorge! This is very helpful :) I am still very hesitant to make a move, we INFPs are terrified of rejection and would be willing to stay silent forever rather than experience it.

Any advice on how exactly to let him know? Should I tell him? Kiss him? Email him? Anything I shouldn't do, that would scare him off?

Do: Tell him that you're interested, or just keep "accidentally touching him" more often in a playful way, and hopefully things will just happen. (that's how some of my relationships started, it's less awkward, and fun)

Don't: Tell him you are already in love with him.

As for the battle in his head-- he's probably scared, if he keeps coming back. If he withdraws from you then that would signal you are making him uncomfortable. He also sounds very girl-shy, alot like me when I was his age. That could explain the 'leaving early' and not initiating. It is something he should grow out of.

FYI -- In my case, If I can have enjoyable, deep conversations with a girl, I'm hers. :) I'm thinking it may be the same for him

[Razvan]

Originally Posted by abeille

Thank you Jorge! This is very helpful :) I am still very hesitant to make a move, we INFPs are terrified of rejection and would be willing to stay silent forever rather than experience it.

Any advice on how exactly to let him know? Should I tell him? Kiss him? Email him? Anything I shouldn't do, that would scare him off?

I would say he is thinking that you chose someone else over him many years ago, maybe you should answer, also for yourself why exactly this happened, than you can discuss this with him, explain, show him you are changed from that person and that the same thing won't happen again.

You said you are in love with him, the thing is , for us INFP, love comes with dreams, for INTP it may be a little different, maybe it comes as a conclusion (like she has this and this and that and that is why I love him), so I would say, make a list with why you love him and tell him on different occasions how you love those things about him, like you are talking and you say " Hehehe, I just love <this> about you". I think it would be a clear signal for him.

Now, I don't have any experience with INTP in particular, but I did havesome with Ts, so...I hoe it helps.

[Ashleyshrugged]

My husband is an INTP and I had to make the first moves in our relationship. I came right out and told him I was interested in him, he really liked it.

I suspect that if your INTP is anything like my husband he feels like he is in the "friend zone" with you. Because of getting hurt before (INTP's are more sensitive then you think) he is keeping his distance because he doesn't want to be hurt.

I have two INTP men in my life, and neither of them ever make first contact. I have to call them or try to get together with them, they just don't think about being social, even if they like you. If he says yes, it's because he likes being around you.

I can't promise this will turn out but I suspect that if you just tell him how you feel, and can explain why you feel differently then you did in the past and how you "see the error of your old decisions" he will reciprocate. He probably has never stopped loving you. He is probably trying not to form an emotional attachment because he thinks you will do the same thing again and are just seeing him as a friend.

Maybe instead of drastically stepping into "I love you" you could just tell him you would like to go on a romantic date, not as friends. Then he would get the hint and it would be more subtle, and you could maybe still be friends if he isn't interested.

[unleashthehounds]

Originally Posted by Razvan

You said you are in love with him, the thing is , for us INFP, love comes with dreams, for INTP it may be a little different, maybe it comes as a conclusion (like she has this and this and that and that is why I love him),

Well not exactly.. If we are attracted to someone, we may not know exactly why, but we will probably try to rationalize it to explain it to ourselves. However, love & attraction is definately an emotional process not a rational one for us.