[SocioApathetic]

I was raised by an ISTJ mother who rarely ever showed her true feelings to us. She always tried to appear stern and firm, but because of stressors in her life, sometimes she would just break down and cry because she could no longer hold it in. My older brother (ESTP) would immediately comfort her and try to console her (he would hug her, hold her, let her cry in his arms). Sometimes, he would even cry with her. But when it came to me, I would just stand at a distance and watch. I would not feel anything expect confusion as to what I was supposed to do. My brother would sometimes yell at me to hug her and (against my will) I would. She would hug me and I would sit there, stiff as a board. I even felt disgusted when her tears landed on my skin.

Now, as an adult, this is still true. The only difference is that my family is used to me now. My mother even recently cracked a joke about how I would stand far away whenever someone was in distress. I am rarely ever shocked when someone screams, I am hardly ever moved by the plight of another, and I'm still disgusted by tears. All I can think to do is tell people how to fix their problem.



Can any other INTJs relate to this?

[Near]

No, I'm kinda like your brother here.
I don't know if it's compassion, I think it's just an understanding of what's happening:

People have feelings, especially women, they need to get them out, and if these are bottled up, they'll eventually cry.

Crying is definitely a negative sign (MY GOD, what a breakthrough).
I don't claim to have figured out women, but now I'm sure this is cumulative, they tend to pile up feelings they had down the timeline of their lives.

Not talking about a particular person, but I've had experiences with this.

Now, if a guy has a suicidal breakdown in front of me, I would tell him to just walk it off.

[Tess]

I relate to you a 100%

Moi family refer to moi as 'cold'. Im terrible with tears no matter who it comes from, babies, children or adults~When moi sister cries I somehow end up smiling awkwardly which pisses her off ~ she thinks im laughing at her pain, for moi its moi way of trying to react to her tears~ granted its a terrible reaction lol

I find that whenever someone's being emotional I stand back and dispassionately observe them and as soon as i see their tears abating I start offering them ideas on how to fix whatever's bothering them or how to look at it in another way.

In many ways I dont mind being an INTJ but in this particular issue, I wish I had a better reaction ~ for example i found it really annoying and frustrating to have a little kid tell moi that I should comfort a toddler who was crying and not smile at him!

[Anubis]

I'm so confused about my type because I'm relating more and more to INTJ's...

I do the same exact thing. I freeze up because all that's running through my head is, "How can I fix this?" and "Why are they reacting this way?" instead of just giving them a shoulder to cry on. I feel bad about it later though. My mom and papa are ISTJ too, by the way, OP.

[jayde]

But when it came to me, I would just stand at a distance and watch. I would not feel anything expect confusion as to what I was supposed to do.

That's me to a T. The only thing that another person's distress triggers in me in confusion. I never know what to say or do in that situation.

[Alysaria]

It's because INTJs are fixers....and emotional problems aren't as easy to fix as basically any other problem you'll come across.

My INTJ boyfriend has seen me seriously upset. We've had misunderstandings where he's been the one to make me cry (unintentionally). >< He doesn't always know what to do or say....but even telling me that helps. I know for me, getting me to smile or giggle a little in the midst of my sadness really helps too. I don't like being upset, and taking away some of the seriousness changes the perspective so it's a little less soul-crushing and there's hope that I can get over it.

[sorry_neither]

If I know the person well enough to know what they'd want me to do, I do that. Otherwise, I completely freeze up, since I can't fix it/stop it, and I'm completely incapable of resorting to generic comforting behavior.

[Sonshine]

Sometimes just being available to listen makes a big difference. Prayer helps too :)

[Cetanu]

I don't react. Does that count?

[Svidrigailov]

Depends.

If I know the person, I try to comfort them, to calm them down.
If I don't know them, I'll leave it to someone else. If there's no one else around, I'll go up to them and see what I can do.