[Fiel]

I'm needing some input on a specific situation, and curious in general about a characteristic I've noticed among some INTJs.



The Situation: About three months ago, my best friend of 6 years (INTJ) told me he just realized that he was in love with me. We began dating immediately, but not before I told him about a painful part of my past that I had never shared with him before. It directly affects our future should we be married, though only in a serious emotional way. I never shared it with him because I have always thought he was too good for me, even as a friend. He has principles and he sticks with them, while I have values and mess up all the time. I messed up big time a few years ago.

He needed some time to process it, but came out on the end of forgiving me and wanting to move forward.

Unfortunately, it came back up. He began struggling again and I told him that I could take whatever he could dish out, that I was ready and wanted to hear it and would just take it. It was just, the wrong thing to say. He is incredibly eloquent and that is maximized in writing, so the email he sent me crushed me to pieces. I tried to comfort him, but I felt about as big as a squished ant. Eventually, he got over it again, and we moved forward.

Then it came up again. This time, I ran. I ran for the hills and shut him out completely. He tried to give me the space and time I needed but it was killing him and I knew it, so I came back before I was ready and tried to comfort him again... we moved forward.

Last night... again. It's not as bad this time. We have figured out that we can't talk via text, email, or on the phone when this happens... that we have to talk in person... but it still kills me. It hurts me so much that we are still dealing with this when I am desperately trying to move forward and forget the past (figuratively, obviously it has made me who I am today and I don't want to change that).

The Question: With something that runs this deep, that hurts this much, that keeps coming back up... is it possible to eventually just forget it and move forward? What would you need from someone during this time? Would you try to punish someone for hurting you this badly, even if it was an unintentional hurt and mistake of the past?

I'm aware that I need to talk to him about this and ask him these questions myself, which I will when we are together in person on Saturday... but I was hoping for some more immediate input.

[Grits]

Forget it? No. Move forward? Yes. The question is in what way.
He probably doesn't really need anything from anyone. He needs to think about it and make a decision, and then you need to accept his judgement. You won't win an argument with a hurt INTJ.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to frame the decision; try to set up the question or problem in a positive way.

[Fiel]

I'm certainly not trying to "win" anything, just trying to understand. Though... I think all of the over-thinking and analyzing is doing more harm than good for the both of us. We spend so much time in our heads trying to come up with solutions and end up frustrated because there is NO solution. When we're together though... no problems, we talk it out and done. He's usually alright for a few days or weeks when we've spent a significant amount of time together, but when we're apart it just haunts him and keeps him up at night. He's had no energy and been unable to concentrate since we began this shin-dig of a relationship, yet every time I ask him if he wants out, he adamantly refuses and continues to reassure me of his intention towards marriage. Confusion much? Yes.

Will try to overcome my hurt feelings and frame everything I intend to ask him or say to him in a positive way... even if he is incapable of doing so himself. I think we all know about the typical bluntness that characterizes many INTJs and he is no exception. If only I were a "T" right now. le sigh

Thanks for the response @Grits. I appreciate it.

[MegaTuxRacer]

I don't know the gravity of what you did to have this brought back up so much, but there comes a point in time where you kind of need to tell him that you want to move forward, and you can't do it with him bringing up a past that you would prefer to leave behind you. I mean no matter how much in the wrong you are, you've apologized and are trying to work through it with him. Eventually you are going to have to tell him that he needs to just accept what happened without understanding it, forgive you, and allow both of you to move forward or break up. It really is that simple.

There are three ways of looking at this: you did a really wrong thing and should do anything and everything to help him understand; he needs to just deal with it and move on so that you can move on; and somewhere in between those two. I would opt for the third option myself. And of course adequately explain yourself so that he doesn't take anything you say the wrong way as these can be sensitive issues, blah, blah, blah. You know that whole thing.

In sort of a round-about way, yeah you should try to understand his confusion in order to better explain the situation, but if he keeps on keeping on bringing up this issue, you will never move away from this bad thing you did.

[Agent Blackout]

I'm needing some input on a specific situation, and curious in general about a characteristic I've noticed among some INTJs.

The Situation: About three months ago, my best friend of 6 years (INTJ) told me he just realized that he was in love with me. We began dating immediately, but not before I told him about a painful part of my past that I had never shared with him before. It directly affects our future should we be married, though only in a serious emotional way. I never shared it with him because I have always thought he was too good for me, even as a friend. He has principles and he sticks with them, while I have values and mess up all the time. I messed up big time a few years ago.

He needed some time to process it, but came out on the end of forgiving me and wanting to move forward.

Unfortunately, it came back up. He began struggling again and I told him that I could take whatever he could dish out, that I was ready and wanted to hear it and would just take it. It was just, the wrong thing to say. He is incredibly eloquent and that is maximized in writing, so the email he sent me crushed me to pieces. I tried to comfort him, but I felt about as big as a squished ant. Eventually, he got over it again, and we moved forward.

Then it came up again. This time, I ran. I ran for the hills and shut him out completely. He tried to give me the space and time I needed but it was killing him and I knew it, so I came back before I was ready and tried to comfort him again... we moved forward.

Last night... again. It's not as bad this time. We have figured out that we can't talk via text, email, or on the phone when this happens... that we have to talk in person... but it still kills me. It hurts me so much that we are still dealing with this when I am desperately trying to move forward and forget the past (figuratively, obviously it has made me who I am today and I don't want to change that).

The Question: With something that runs this deep, that hurts this much, that keeps coming back up... is it possible to eventually just forget it and move forward? What would you need from someone during this time? Would you try to punish someone for hurting you this badly, even if it was an unintentional hurt and mistake of the past?

I'm aware that I need to talk to him about this and ask him these questions myself, which I will when we are together in person on Saturday... but I was hoping for some more immediate input.

A part of him is obviously unresolved.
You're going to have to reason it out.

It would be most productive to figure out what is bothering him so much about what you did, and why.
Be ready / on guard to probe for reasons he may not be mentioning when he's explaining.
Maybe he feels some of them are kind of irrational/unrealistic to share with you?

(This unresolved looping sounds a lot like me when I'm caught up on or haunted by something that I didn't take action to resolve...)

P.S. How bad was your mistake?? Jeez, lol

[Cetanu]

Did you contract an STI?
Murder someone?
Have a baby?

Why did his email crush you?
If it keeps coming up, then clearly he was not over it in the first place, no?
You have not moved forward from it at all.

Did you HAVE to tell him?

It's incredibly hard to give you an answer with so much information missing.

[Fiel]

P.S. How bad was your mistake?? Jeez, lol

Haha... to most people it wouldn't be a mistake or an issue, but suffice it to say... it's one of HIS strongly held principles and one of my strongly held values, even though I slipped. He has made some mistakes, even against his principles, but never with the same consequences... which we WILL have to live with in a few ways but mainly emotionally. I'd rather not get into the details further here, I know anonymity is my friend, but it's mostly irrelevant because it wouldn't even seem like an issue to many. No murder, no babies ;)

His email crushed me because he poured out his blame and anger about the situation into his words. His pain was evident, but all I could see was "I just want to call it quits, but I feel obligated to stick it out"... which is why I'm the one who called it quits first until I truly realized that it wasn't what he wanted.

Maybe I haven't moved forward, but I think it's only because he's holding us back together.

I did have to tell him, no doubt about it.

Great advice here, and I can see that this would actually help us move forward in our conversation as opposed to continuing on the same path we have been down on each previous occasion.

Edit: Also, and I guess the main reason it bothers me so much is because I've asked him if we wants to break up. I have asked him if he can get past this. I have looked into his eyes and asked him if he was sure about us. He continues to reassure me that he IS sure and that he can move forward. My question is - When? I am seeing no evidence of forward movement. Is three months too short a time? Perhaps I'm expecting too much, too quickly...

[Agent Blackout]

Haha... to most people it wouldn't be a mistake or an issue, but suffice it to say... it's one of HIS strongly held principles and one of my strongly held values, even though I slipped. He has made some mistakes, even against his principles, but never with the same consequences... which we WILL have to live with in a few ways but mainly emotionally. I'd rather not get into the details further here, I know anonymity is my friend, but it's mostly irrelevant because it wouldn't even seem like an issue to many. No murder, no babies ;)

His email crushed me because he poured out his blame and anger about the situation into his words. His pain was evident, but all I could see was "I just want to call it quits, but I feel obligated to stick it out"... which is why I'm the one who called it quits first until I truly realized that it wasn't what he wanted.

Maybe I haven't moved forward, but I think it's only because he's holding us back together.

I did have to tell him, no doubt about it.

Great advice here, and I can see that this would actually help us move forward in our conversation as opposed to continuing on the same path we have been down on each previous occasion.

Edit: Also, and I guess the main reason it bothers me so much is because I've asked him if we wants to break up. I have asked him if he can get past this. I have looked into his eyes and asked him if he was sure about us. He continues to reassure me that he IS sure and that he can move forward. My question is - When? I am seeing no evidence of forward movement. Is three months too short a time? Perhaps I'm expecting too much, too quickly...

Additional suggestion:

Staying together, breaking up, staying friends, breaks and continuations, and any combinations these or alternate options, etc... Whatever the case, be open to every option; but decisions must be made. Leaving things of this seriousness open-ended will never solve anything.

Good Luck!!

P.S. Make sure he understands this, too.

[Alysaria]

It doesn't sound like you've resolved it, which makes any question of his "resolving" it more an issue of just not talking about it at all. There's always going to be that threat of it coming back up because it's right there, under the surface.

[Fiel]

I think the not talking about it is partially my fault... he hurt me so much the last time that I took off, now I think he is worried it will happen again. I am trying to detach myself emotionally so that I can reasonably discuss the problem without breaking down... but is that wrong? I mean, it's an emotional problem, how can we solve it if emotions aren't involved? I just keep having this knee jerk reaction of "I don't want this" and it would take a feather to make me quit. Truly it wouldn't because I'm committed and I know inwardly that I love him even if I'm not feeling it right now, but I do feel so near the edge. I'm sure he senses that.. so I just don't know the answer. I'm more confused than I was to start.

I love him, I don't want to leave. He loves me, he doesn't want to break up with me. We have this HUGE issue that seems to be unsolvable... where do we go? Do we keep torturing ourselves or give it up? Perhaps time IS the answer, time and honest communication. We have all the time in the world, maybe we're just trying to rush it because it's so unpleasant. I'm considering a counselor.