[nonnaci]

At a young age, I had always felt uncomfortable with physical contact of any sort with friends, family, ... organic substances in general. I think at some point around 10, I told my parents not to hug, pat, or kiss me as it felt like a violation of personal space. Since that time (23), I never felt the need/urge for physical contact/affection from/towards other people. The discomfort is more or less gone but making physical contact doesn't trigger much of a response from my side. However, the converse may not be true, especially for opposite gender friends so some questions are raised. I'd like input from both intjs and non-intjs here;)

-Is physical contact (with friends and family) a biological need for some people and why?
I ask this because in my case, I was raised by hard discipline so every time my parents hit me, I lost some respect for them. I think this created a sort of negative association between physical contact and emotional/intellectual closeness (they were SJ, SP).



-What does an urge for physical contact feel like?
This is more for those who love hugs from friends and family. Why do you do it? And if those needs are not met, describe the drain on an emotional/sensation/gut level.

-How important is physical contact for human bonding?
Now for bonding, I mean the full gamut of human relationships (acquaintance, friend, romantic interest, SO). If a relationship is devoid of this physical aspect, does it become a roadblock/wall and why?

Thanks for your response!

[Faklubrejle]

1.
I think normal people do not consider physical contact anything special. For them, it is normal to hug when parting and meeting. I read a study about 'making out', and it seems, that american high-school students engage in it from purely 'needy' and superficial reasons. Again, they do not feel much when doing it. That's a really extraverted attitude.

2.
I didn't do it for a long time, but since I come and meet my close family about each 2 months on average, I greet with them by hugging.
Do you have any Se passion? Do you like touching, feeling anything (just for the sake of the sensation)? I often imagine doing that with a person. Like, rubbing heads together, kissing neck of a head I am clutching with my left arm, etc... I know, however, I would not like doing that with any real human, unless I felt for them anything first. They would repel me with their 'biological' form (pillow can work just fine ^.^). You know, living things are covered in bacteria, parasites, viri, whatever. I think I am more sx, than sp, unlike most people here, though.

3.
It is generally important. Even touching people when they don't want it, or know it, makes them more trusting and manipulable (again, this works against usual people). Also, closeness and touching are an important part of close relationships. Me, personally; I don't practice it.

[Aaron Boal]

1) I do not see physical contact other than with your SO that you should trust as expected or even needed. Words and their implied meanings, along with body language seems to suit me best.

2) At times, I have said to a "close" co-worker, if she gets stressed out I will hug her. It does stop her from the stress as she might see it as a threat on her behalf.

3) See 1.

[WolfStar]

-Is physical contact (with friends and family) a biological need for some people and why?
A biological need? No.

-What does an urge for physical contact feel like?
Because actions are better than words and it's the best way to show love and all that. I trust them and so I enjoy physical contact with them.

-How important is physical contact for human bonding?
I doesn't become a roadblock, but it eventually needs to get there. In a relationship I very much enjoy it. Perhaps I'm different from the usual INTJs in that I'm not all turned off by hugs and all that and actually enjoy it.

[Siren]

I also don't feel the need for any physical contact other than with an SO. But I definitely crave it in that context. But then again my two top love languages are quality time and physical touch.

[Shiro]

Physical Affection:
I just feel like you when it comes to physical contact. I also told my parents not to touch me and endured physical contact when it was unavoidable.

However there are differences- there are people I really detest being touched by, If they did, like trying to reach for my hand I'd instantly pull back without a particular reason why. Some people I don't mind being touched by- but that's it- it doesn't really make me feel anything either. And there people I really don't like whom I'd like to scratch their eyes out for touching me.

Is physical contact (with friends and family) a biological need for some people and why?:

Also very similar in my case except for the fact that I never lost respect for them. I figured out that it's essential for some people while others are fine without it. I'd say that if you're very distant some people (usually extraverted) would like you to touch them because they want you to verify that you like them- being reserved can make them feel unwanted and unloved.

-How important is physical contact for human bonding?:

Answered above: It may start to be essential in some friendships or as soon as you sttart a romantic relationship- it simply depends on the person it may help to ask the person how important physical closeness is for them- or simply watch how they're acting around other people- logically viewed a person who even hugs strangers and is very polite to them normally expects more closeness from you because they don't know and would judge reluctance as cold- it will probably make them unhappy.

In case it's a girl and she's talking about her problems to you and gets teary eyed you ought to hug her(this usually occurs when someone is extraverted)- you don't need to say anything, but don't mention a theoretical solution- that's not what she would want in this case (believe me I know what I'm talking about- it would be no good believe me )


Don't worry about closeness- you can learn to show affection once you realize they need it

[nonnaci]

Yes, the 5 love language paradigm is related to this. I don't know how highly each MBTI type ranks "physical contact" on their list. Personally, its quite low while "quality time" hits the top (basically any form of intellectualized discussion is akin to mental bonding).

[Polo]

-- I had a big post written but my browser refreshed for some reason and it disappeared! I'll try again :'(

Re you telling your parents/family you didn't want to be touched - How did that go over? How did you/they handle it? I did something similar, and it did not go well. Apparently I was very affectionate when I was little, so it still causes ripples of tension years later. Also, my parents never hit me, but the threat was very real. I had many a firm grip on my arm, and that was enough to instill a bit of fear into me.

Is physical contact (with friends and family) a biological need for some people and why?
I don't know about biology. I do think/know that people express love/affection in different ways. There is something called 'Love Languages' that is all the rage with the women in my family, and I think it nails down most people pretty well. I want the book but I'm too chicken to carry that cover to the register. Or what's more, risk the chance of anyone knowing I own it.
I think that physical contact is a psychological need for everyone, but the level of that need and the times when that need is, uh, neediest changes significantly from person to person. I have nothing to back that statement up aside from my personal experiences :P


What does an urge for physical contact feel like?
(I am not a hug person.) It's kind of like any other 'urge' for me. Bad metaphor alert: When you're in a cafe and you order a tea with your sandwich instead of water. You still have the sandwich but the tea is a new experience. Does that make sense? Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily go with what my urge is, because I almost never do.
However, when I first hug/stand near/etc someone, my body is kind of like "whoooaaa red alert! personal space invaded! self-defense! legs, prepare to move!" but my brain is like "Guys, calm down. We like this person. It's cool." I have a huge personal bubble, but when I get used to certain people near me, I become less of the awkwardly big space person.


How important is physical contact for human bonding?
Acquaintance or friend: Generally this isn't a problem. I think people tend to pick up on the fact that I don't want hugs. I do have a couple friends that are big huggers, and they're my exception because I know they'll take it badly if I don't hug them.

Good friend and family: I need them to pick up on my body language, but I have no problem telling them to not touch me sometimes because I don't like it. At the same time, my personal bubble is smaller and my comfort level is much higher around those people so they get to see more sides of me. I'm more likely to vocalize my feelings whereas with newer friends or distant family, I am unlikely to give any kind of reaction that isn't neutral

Romantic interest/SO: First thing is that I do not want someone to be all touchy and emotional. I need thinking and logic and intellectual stimulation. I usually throw out a political and/or philosophical kind of conversation with a guy I'm interested in as a pre-test kind of thing. If I can't see myself having a decent conversation over a dinner, I stop pursuing that person. I also want my occasional physical-ness to be appreciated when we do reach that point. I do get kind of embarrassed about it in public, and I really hate when couples kiss and hug in busy public places. I would never do anything more intimate beyond a quick hug with a possible SO unless I really felt some kind of connection that was reciprocated more than once. I have kissed someone before, just because they wanted to, and it was dreadful. Learned my lesson.

If I don't have physical response, I am going to be confused. I never make the first move in any situation when it comes to physical affection. Similarly, if I don't respond to them and they continue to touch/huge/etc. This would be come a trust and/or respect issue. With my current SO I can tell him "In this situation, I do not like X" and he accepts it and won't do it again. He sometimes explains why he did it, but most of the time, this doesn't happen because we're very similar when it comes to physical affection.

[Persephone]

-How important is physical contact for human bonding?
Now for bonding, I mean the full gamut of human relationships (acquaintance, friend, romantic interest, SO). If a relationship is devoid of this physical aspect, does it become a roadblock/wall and why?

Thanks for your response!

I wouldn't say it's very important, but it certainly helps. With the person I'm infatuated with right now, it feels like: I must get my hands on you! Every second of the day. And I was wary of physical contact with anyone else, but after we had our cuddling session I felt closer to him than ever before. I'm perfectly fine with not having it though. I never touch a great majority of my best friends and we're still inseparable.

[Humoriarty]

Physical touching seems to be a social "need" like dogs marking their territory..

I had "hard physical discipline" as well, tho to be honest I think it was more for their pleasure... Certianly not for mine.
And zero positive stroking affection, from parents. So in my experiance is likely similar to yours (OP) in that if someone touches me, I get ready to hurt them, before they hurt me... But observation of the social interaction in others leads me to understand that is not the correct response.

It took me YEARS to desire a hug... (que the worlds smallest violin :) ) but it's a sort of "if this person that I share so much with holds me my emotions will stop bothering me" feeling... And I don't really do feelings all that loudly. So it allows me to escape from thinking about them.... Seems to be human nature to find a way to stop thinking... Ahh entropy!

Unless you have built your own robot to "bond" with and leave hugging out of it, I suggest you submit yourself to the experiance with someone you trust, over and over and over and over and.... Until it doesn't feel wrong, then until it doesn't feel bad, then until You don't feel indifferent, then till it feels ok but you could live without it, then till it just feels ok, then one day you will feel like asking for one :)

If you have someone in mind or are starting a relationship, I'd suggest you ask for hugs looooong before you feel like it. It will help with the bonding thing... Unless the robot made it this far :)

Sorry if that rambles.