[Younique]

My husbands mother just passed away yesterday morning. I know he is really hurt, he's been taking it very well. He has shed some tears but mostly he has been acting his same normal self besides for the ora around him of sadness that I can see because I know him so well. I am worried about him holding all this in and not talking about it. We've talked about it but not in a 'I 'm sad, I miss her' way...I'm wondering, how does an INTJ deal with death of a loved one & what should I do to make him feel at his most comfortable?

[Abraxas]

Nothing.

The INTJ will handle it best by being left alone.

When my mother died I was 26. I required no support. At her funeral I shed no tears. To be honest, I felt almost nothing about it. People die, and it was her time. Why should that bother me?

While everyone around me in the family seemed focused on missing her, I did not.

She is gone. Feeling sad about it will not change it. There is nothing to let go of accept yourself.

My father died when I was 18. I felt the same when he died. Which is to say, almost nothing at all.

[Siren]

My mother died 7 years ago and her mother died this past January. I was upset and cried a bit, but I actually thought there was something wrong with me that I wasn't more upset. I've had my teary-eyed moments over the last 7 years but never really broke down. No point really.

When my grandmother died it was the same. I had a few teary moments but that was it. They're gone. I spent what time with them that I could and I have no regrets.

[lirulin]

I agree with the leave him alone bit.

It gets very stressful when people tell me or imply that my grieving process is inadequate simply because it is private, or different to theirs. I do what I need to do. If I do need help, I will ask. Usually, though, I appreciate help in dealing with the practical aspects (eg. organising the funeral) rather than sorting out my feelings, which I do much better on my own.

The best you can do is say you're around if he needs to talk and just let him process.

[bethdeth]

I lost a dear friend when we were 22 and I carried on living a normal life even when I missed him. There really isn't anything else to do.....I would have been unnoticed by any of the others who were grieving as well. I haven't lost any parents so I can only really comment on my friend's impact.

Do nothing, perhaps give him a little leeway if he snaps at something small. If you are grieving it's best for you to maybe concentrate on your own grief. He will probably tell you if he needs anything.

[Coonsy]

Let him deal with it, and if he needs a hug, just be available but don't push yourself on him. The times I've lost someone/thing near to me, I would shed a few tears but for the most part it didn't really get to me.

Generally I can deal with it and continue on as long as I don't have to talk about it. I need time to process through things on my own, but if I end up having to talk about it, it actually makes things worse. When my final grandparent died, it hit me a lot harder than I was expecting, especially since he and I weren't exactly close. I ended up taking a few days off work and just chilled around the house and did stuff that I found relaxing. If I had been in a less dangerous job, I probably wouldn't have needed the time off work, but since at the time I was a cop, I couldn't really afford to be distracted...I honestly think it made things worse that I had to break my normal routine.

Thing is, I've never had someone close to me die suddenly, other than one of my cats. I do try to prepare myself mentally for the possibility (with the DH and I both riding motorcycles nearly every day, it's always a possibility), but I can't say how I would deal with it if it was sudden and unexpected. I'm guessing it would be similar.

Just give him some space, he probably doesn't want or need to talk about it. If he needs someone there, just be there, but don't expect or push for him to talk. It's just not how we deal with things. I've been trying to beat that into my mother's head for years, she still staunchly refuses to believe me, and it does nothing but frustrate and annoy me (to the point of pissing me off is she is being insistent). He'll get through it eventually.

[Figure]

My sentiments in this sort of situation are so private that one (possibly even myself in some ways) would never even know that they exist. Tragic sudden death (as in, an accident) might be more likely to draw them out, but since I am fortunate to have not yet gone through dealing with one in my family, I've been able to "predict" (or "embrace") and rationalize most other deaths in my life. Well before they happen. It's very easy to cope with death if you assure yourself that it will occur sometime in the near future, and understand that it is a necessary occurrence of life itself.

If I cry, and I won't act as though stoicism is sacrosanct to the point of self-sustaining deterioration of mental health, it almost must be due to universal realizations regarding the nature of my life in the future without the person I lost. If it was my mother, with whom I am very close, this might be the case. For a grandparent - probably not, though in my case there will be a lot of greed and hysteria to deal with when she goes (itself somewhat of a reason to introspect).

Just be there to speak with him about the meta-effects of the situation, and do what you do best with being emotionally supportive. He may or may not need it, but he will likely come to you if he needs it.

[xtopolis]

Let him deal with it, and if he needs a hug, just be available but don't push yourself on him. The times I've lost someone/thing near to me, I would shed a few tears but for the most part it didn't really get to me.

This. You may just get a random hug sometime, not even in the near future.

People die, it sucks, but you can't change the past. Don't project how you would grieve onto other around you; everyone is different.

[Younique]

Thanks for all the responses & others, feel free to share if you like.

That's basically what I have been doing. He has been going on with his normal routine, so I have been doing the same with him.
He knows that I am there if he needs to talk & I haven't been pushing myself on him. You all are very strong. But not too long ago,
I ran across a thread and in it, said that INTJ's prepare themselves for these type of things in their spare time. When I read that to him, he said, yep all the time. I prepare myself for it before it happens. So that's interesting.

I will definitely let him be. I guess I was just worrying if he is going to have a break down in the later future, because I'm not good with a burst of unexpected emotions.

[Thorgar]

I will definitely let him be. I guess I was just worrying if he is going to have a break down in the later future.

That's extremely unlikely.