[sanari]

Please help - now she is buying him stuff

This is the point where you must admit that they are special to each other. I wanted to say this before - that by not disallowing him from her presence, you are effectively condoning their relationship.



And so they will get closer and closer, both emotionally and physically... and eventually he will have the 'talk' with you. I am telling you, you made the mistake by not being possessive.

[Noumenon]

This is the point where you must admit that they are special to each other. I wanted to say this before - that by not disallowing him from her presence, you are effectively condoning their relationship.

And so they will get closer and closer, both emotionally and physically... and eventually he will have the 'talk' with you. I am telling you, you made the mistake by not being possessive.

That’s NOT OK. I honestly trust him and I trust that he loves me deeply - I don’t trust her not to try and sabotage our relationship. If we were physically closer this would not be a problem, I know who I am. However distance is in its self problematic as it distorts perceptions.

Well next question INTJs - How do I make a clear rational argument for why I want to see boundary changes in his relationship with her. We are both debaters by training so emotional appeals don’t carry as much weight at reason.

[WolfStar]

Well next question INTJs - How do I make a clear rational argument for why I want to see boundary changes in his relationship with her. We are both debaters by training so emotional appeals don’t carry as much weight at reason.

You explain to him that she is attempting to woo him and that by accepting gifts and other things of that sort, he is enabling her and showing that it is ok for her to continue. This way you don't put him on the spot and say he's a bad guy, you're only saying that perhaps things are not as emotionally distanced as he may think. There's been many times where I've been flirted with and I never see it until a girl I'm with points it out and then I'm like, "Oooooooooh I see how that could be so..."

[Green Girl]

That’s NOT OK. I honestly trust him and I trust that he loves me deeply - I don’t trust her not to try and sabotage our relationship. If we were physically closer this would not be a problem, I know who I am. However distance is in its self problematic as it distorts perceptions.

Well next question INTJs - How do I make a clear rational argument for why I want to see boundary changes in his relationship with her. We are both debaters by training so emotional appeals don’t carry as much weight at reason.

But your issue is about emotion. They are important in relationships. You need to be honest about that with him, let him know that you feel uncomfortable and threatened. You don't need to emotionally manipulate or blackmail him (both bad ideas) but your feelings are real and affect both of you. So are his.

[ChanceyRose]

@Noumenon, you do have a right to expect emotional and physical monogamy. All you have to do is tell him that is what you expect. You don't need a rational argument for asking him to distance himself from her anymore than a parent needs to rationalize to a 10 year old why that child can't watch that particular anime.

As Green Girl said, this is about emotions. If he does love you, an emotional appeal is acceptable and appropriate.

[GiaLynn]

Eeeeeeyeah...

I've actually thought before that an INTJ could be a very intelligent, effective slut if they really wanted to be. I've heard a few stories on PerC and elsewhere, and it can get ugly. Compromise sexual morality, and an INTJ can be the sleaziest of them all.

Compromise sexual morality, and an INTJ can be the sleaziest of them all.

i'm going to cut and paste this into my brain and heart as part of my "moving on" process which is at a snail's pace. :/


there is NOTHING off limits with this idiot (except other men). and there is no such thing as "morals" in his world. (yeah, i know, i have my own breaking of morals, but only a couple know my story).

Hey, we can be the best at what we focus on, and we can focus on anything, that's the description of an INTJ ^^

he is totally and completely out of control. i wouldn't necessarily call it "focused" in a positive way. He's going to end up dying from a disease. i'm lucky I got away without any damage.

[WolfStar]

I dunno if one type can be sleazier than others. Anyone can come up with rationalizations for anything. I knew an INFP with the worst morals you could possibly think of.

[searcheagle]

Please help - now she is buying him stuff

I think you just have to look him in the eye, even just through skype- and say: "this girl really likes and you I'm afraid something bad could happen."

But I think part of the problem is that you allow people who "like" you to hang out with you, and he may see no harm in doing the same- as long he thinks nothing will happen. Which is fine, I guess, until it bother someone, and now it bothers you. So, it does matter.

[Noumenon]

You explain to him that she is attempting to woo him and that by accepting gifts and other things of that sort, he is enabling her and showing that it is ok for her to continue.

I like the clarity and lack of judgment of this position.

But your issue is about emotion. They are important in relationships. You need to be honest about that with him, let him know that you feel uncomfortable and threatened. You don't need to emotionally manipulate or blackmail him (both bad ideas) but your feelings are real and affect both of you. So are his.

As far as I am concerned that is a rational argument, I didn't explain what I meant about emotional appeal well. For me a statement like "If you love me you will stop seeing that skinny ass ho!" *burst into tears*, is emotional appeal. I prefer the nuts and bolts approach of "I feel..." "when you..." "because..." “rebuttal...” “concluding statements…” . We are both debaters (that’s how we met), so all of our issues go though a very structured conversation. It means we both get heard and the weight of our own argumentation is tested, it works really well for us.

But I think part of the problem is that you allow people who "like" you to hang out with you, and he may see no harm in doing the same- as long he thinks nothing will happen. Which is fine, I guess, until it bother someone, and now it bothers you. So, it does matter.

This is a hard one. I work with these guys who 'like' me (I can't not see them), also he is geographically isolated there are not a lot of potential friends around. The other catch is he also trusts me 100%, I’ve had guys hit on me in front of me and he just laughs at them. I can ask for boundaries, I can't ask for him not to see her - that would be asking him to be more alone in an already isolating circumstances.

Thankyou so much for the feed back guys – I really appreciate it!

[Paprikaku]

Hello INTJs, I need help on dating advice.

I've known this guy since April 2012. He is an INTJ and I'm an ENFP.

At first, he would text me every morning and we would go out for dinner/movie every weekend. He kept me updated about his daily life. After about two months, he started to get busy with his work. He still sent me text messages once a while. But then he stopped contact me for about a month.

During the time we seeing each other, I'd say we always had fun. He remembered everything I told him about myself, even tiny little details. He was attentive and dependable. We have many shared interests. That's why I like him a lot.

Two weeks ago, I decided to contact him to see if there is still chance for us. He replied, like there was nothing happened (I mean we didn't talk to each other for a month), Well, he did apologized about not contacting me because he was busy working. And he asked me out. We had a good time hanging out together. Before he left, he said "We should meet again next weekend.Just shoot me a text. " But he didn't reply my messages for a week.

I just got a text message from him today. We chatted for a bit.
Actually, I don't even know if we're dating. Because:
-We didn't talk about relationship or any emotional topics. He did tell me many childhood stories of his.
-We didn't have any physical contact. Every time he accidentally touched me, he would apologize. (He is not religious at all.)

Does he like me? Should I just give up? Honestly I don't want to, because I like him very much.