[GiaLynn]

Lovey dovey things don't really reflect reality too well. Actions speak louder than words. OMG I wish some people would understand that. Saying shit over and over doesn't mean you're actually doing anything substantial to show how you care.

yes, yes, yes, YES...



STFU and DO something.

[GiaLynn]

We'll see what happens, I can lead a horse to water I can't make it drink.
I've been working on myself for the last year and a half lol.

When we just met I was insecure about a lot of stuff. I saw insecurity in her and I did what I could to help her and keep her with me. She helped me too and I fell for her, however I never bothered to really guide her to a acquiring sense of pride that came from within, it's hard to explain... but her happiness depended on me. I knew that and I didn't want her to feel like she'd ever leave me due to my insecurities and somewhat of an inferiority complex.

When we moved out of state I had a hard time, financially, academically, my support structure was gone and she was my only outlet. I fell apart at the seams and I took her with me. I essentially knew how to crush her self-confidence and I did just that because I made decisions that affected her that I felt so guilty for. I didn't feel like I deserved her and I wanted her to leave but she wouldn't she tried to fix the problem until finally she gave up. During this time I watched her crash and burn in front of my eyes. It was cowardice, a fear of being seen as something other than this great guy, that prevented me from helping her and it tore me apart. This sums up how I felt during this time.


I knew I wasn't who I used to be and I needed to clear my head and it was going to take a long time.
It took over a year and a half to get where I am now.
I finally came to terms with what the issue was: me.
I needed to be honest with myself and forgive myself, I've done that now.
And I really feel like I am still watching her crash and burn. I've always been her direction and she needs me.

It's not about anything other then a sense of caring that I have for her.
I am not attempting to help her because I want her forgiveness.
I want to help her to get to where I should have helped her get to when we just met.

Letting go is easy, forgiving yourself for not trying to help someone you care about isn't.
I have to at least try.

RADIOHEAD!!! <3

i have so much to say right now but i will keep getting interrupted but your honesty is commendable. Admitting all of that on a public forum must have been very difficult.

There are a few similarities in our situations. not very many, but a few.

I can tell you that I have the utmost hatred right now for my ex friend. he took someone who had been through a lot, was essentially broken (i kept a brave face and was always happy,but he knew my history) and he took FULL advantage of it. and then broke me even more. yet he wanted me around. and yes, it seemed he was the only thing i could look forward to, so, in a sense, i depended on him (though i never let him know that - he just knew i was always happy to see him).

for the simple fact that he chose to hurt me SO deeply, without any regard, I have nothing to say, because like i have said in previous posts, he walked away scot free (all he had to do was turn on the tears and beg me to forgive him) while I WAS THE ONE left with the hurt. i finally determined i could never look at him the same after what he did. i tried. i TRIED. but he still continued to be the horrible person that he was. (while having me believe otherwise)

I was STRONG enough to walk away, ironically. but my mental health has been affected somewhat. i hate to admit that, but this anger and hurt is killing my psyche. i just HAVE to get past it. and I WILL. with time. but i don't have any kind of mental illness. so i'm positive and have hope.

your ex needs help? as in mental professional help? does she need meds? like you said, all you could do is lead her, but she most likely will see you as a threat. if you hurt her as bad as you say you did, that ruins people. sorry to be so harsh, but just learn from it and not do it again. it's already been done and you can't beat yourself up over it. all you can do is move on and NEVER do it again. if she's not thinking rationally, no matter what you say or do, then you can't help her. perhaps you can contact a family member who she trusts? that will be all you could do. and then you can say you did what you could.

ETA: i'm sorry if i sounded harsh. i'm just upset at myself. i truly hope you can find peace.

[NT the DC]

RADIOHEAD!!! <3

i have so much to say right now but i will keep getting interrupted but your honesty is commendable. Admitting all of that on a public forum must have been very difficult.

There are a few similarities in our situations. not very many, but a few.

I can tell you that I have the utmost hatred right now for my ex friend. he took someone who had been through a lot, was essentially broken (i kept a brave face and was always happy,but he knew my history) and he took FULL advantage of it. and then broke me even more. yet he wanted me around. and yes, it seemed he was the only thing i could look forward to, so, in a sense, i depended on him (though i never let him know that - he just knew i was always happy to see him).

for the simple fact that he chose to hurt me SO deeply, without any regard, I have nothing to say, because like i have said in previous posts, he walked away scot free (all he had to do was turn on the tears and beg me to forgive him) while I WAS THE ONE left with the hurt. i finally determined i could never look at him the same after what he did. i tried. i TRIED. but he still continued to be the horrible person that he was. (while having me believe otherwise)

I was STRONG enough to walk away, ironically. but my mental health has been affected somewhat. i hate to admit that, but this anger and hurt is killing my psyche. i just HAVE to get past it. and I WILL. with time. but i don't have any kind of mental illness. so i'm positive and have hope.

your ex needs help? as in mental professional help? does she need meds? like you said, all you could do is lead her, but she most likely will see you as a threat. if you hurt her as bad as you say you did, that ruins people. sorry to be so harsh, but just learn from it and not do it again. it's already been done and you can't beat yourself up over it. all you can do is move on and NEVER do it again. if she's not thinking rationally, no matter what you say or do, then you can't help her. perhaps you can contact a family member who she trusts? that will be all you could do. and then you can say you did what you could.

There are so many radiohead songs which describe what I was going through lol, but I digress.
I think my ex was broken a bit when I met her but she wasn't in complete meltdown mode like she was after we split. This would probably sum up her feelings towards me before she left:



I was pretty f'ed up to her I admit. She tells me she still fights feelings of wanting closure and wondering what I am doing. I just figured out that I can't break her walls down and help her if I don't lay everything I did wrong on the table. And more importantly I couldn't be happy with myself if I didn't do so.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's depressed I don't think she needs meds but she needs a better support structure then she has. She's trying very hard to find love. I know she views me as a threat, there's nothing I can do to change that. She's very private and I don't think she'd appreciate me talking to her family about what is going on with her. I can be ruined in her eyes that's fine, I just don't want her to ruin herself because of it. I will do what I can, if she doesn't accept my help there is nothing I can do. I'll know when I've lost her. Right now she is hurt by what I told her and in a way I sense she will say things and try to get me to attack back like I used to do because that would give her closure and make her think nothing has changed about me. But I've already grown a ton over the last year and a half, lots of soul searching.

[GiaLynn]

There are so many radiohead songs which describe what I was going through lol, but I digress.
I think my ex was broken a bit when I met her but she wasn't in complete meltdown mode like she was after we split. This would probably sum up her feelings towards me before she left:



I was pretty f'ed up to her I admit. She tells me she still fights feelings of wanting closure and wondering what I am doing. I just figured out that I can't break her walls down and help her if I don't lay everything I did wrong on the table. And more importantly I couldn't be happy with myself if I didn't do so.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's depressed I don't think she needs meds but she needs a better support structure then she has. She's trying very hard to find love. I know she views me as a threat, there's nothing I can do to change that. She's very private and I don't think she'd appreciate me talking to her family about what is going on with her. I can be ruined in her eyes that's fine, I just don't want her to ruin herself because of it. I will do what I can, if she doesn't accept my help there is nothing I can do. I'll know when I've lost her.

putting everything out on the table is huge. making yourself vulnerable...etc.

He tried to do that with me, but for whatever reason (addiction?), he couldn't control himself and continued with his horrible behavior (he didnt know that i knew).

you, on the other hand, seemed to have really fully grasped every facet of this situation. and wanting so bad to improve it. and, in the process, dare i say it, have shown compassion and a kind and repenting heart. too mushy? ;)

[GiaLynn]

why couldn't my ex friend would be more like you.... :(

[Master Mind]

Lovey dovey things don't really reflect reality too well. Actions speak louder than words. OMG I wish some people would understand that. Saying shit over and over doesn't mean you're actually doing anything substantial to show how you care.

THIS.

For crying out loud, I tell people this over and over again, but they're like, "Well, that's all well and good, but I need to hear it." It makes me want to bang my head against the wall. That's why so many people are duped, because there are people out there who know exactly how to say all the things they want to hear, and they'll overlook, rationalize and justify all the contradictory actions which prove everything that was said to be nothing but empty words.

[NT the DC]

putting everything out on the table is huge. making yourself vulnerable...etc.

He tried to do that with me, but for whatever reason (addiction?), he couldn't control himself and continued with his horrible behavior (he didnt know that i knew).

you, on the other hand, seemed to have really fully grasped every facet of this situation. and wanting so bad to improve it. and, in the process, dare i say it, have shown compassion and a kind and repenting heart. too mushy? ;)

Yeah I think I've got a good grasp of what happened, it was really terrible. It's taken a lot of reading and a lot of introspection over a long time. I always knew what my issues were it was fixing them that was the hurdle. I can't say that sort of thing is ever completely done, it's a process. However where I was when I was doing these things to her and where I was after we split and where I am now are completely different. It was crazy being in the state of mind I was in, the only way I can explain it is it felt like I was doing things that I knew were mean and I just justified it because I felt she should have left me anyway. When she had a harsh response to that I had a harsher one back. I'm still not quite back to the point I was when I just met her. I have no real desire for a relationship right now but when I met her I was looking for one. I figure that will go away with time but who knows.

But yeah I'm pretty mushy now, I'm more open. I was pretty awesome at being a cold and uncaring before. Pretty awesome at keeping my feelings to myself a lot was to hide things though, now I am more comfortable with who I am. I guess a long relationship with a feeler changes that lol.

[bethdeth]

I'm not against it in theory, as long as it's on the up and up and everyone knows what they are getting into. I would never do it myself. It just seems so complicated. Dealing with one spouse is tricky enough. Multiple spouses? Yikes.

Other extroverted spouses. My head just caved thinking about it.

[dingo]

What has happened is that I start loving people who love me.

Now, one could say - well... that is still love, right? It works out in the end, right?

I think my ego is such that I cannot love another person as much as myself. That is a problem. That is where I fall. What I think I want at this point... is to see and know a person, and fall in love with them first.

Does anyone understand? Does it even matter? Does the fact that I truly do love a person, even if they loved me first, matter for much?

This is one area where I actually like what Socionics has to say, because it presents the idea of "romance styles." The styles are based on which Perceiving function is preferred. Let's see if I've got this right: Si (SJ's) is the "Caregiver"; Se (SP's) is the "Aggressor"; Ni (NJ's) is the "Victim"; and Ne (NP's) is the "Child."

My understanding of the Ni romance style is that it's concerned about the likelihood of success in the relationship. Therefore, it looks at whether the attraction is mutual, or at least has the potential to be mutual. It's actually more comfortable with being seen as attractive first, with being a "Victim" of love, and, under Socionics theory, prefers the Se "Aggressor" type in a potential mate. Basically, since you care about the future of your love, you want to know that you too are loved. Your loving them is important too, but you're not likely to give it a shot if you don't believe there's a chance of reciprocation.

[Noumenon]

My partner and I are long distance at the moment because of study, and we will be till the end of the year (maybe a little longer). So while we are far apart (we get to spend a day or two together ever couple of weeks), there is another woman who is hitting him . That’s not how he puts it, but my strong suspicion is that she is smitten with him (hell I am). Hears the go:

- He is an INTJ, I am an ENTP - I’ve never met her in person but she sounds like an INFP
- We have been together 4 year, I was his first gf and his first everything else
- She is a little hottie, about 3 years older then us
- He NEVER gets jealous of me - ever. I get hit on a lot (I work with drunk men and sex offenders, so yeah such a catch – LOL, but also by normal lovely men), which means the novelty is minimal, not to mention I am cynical of infatuation - and I work hard at being an honest partner. He however doesn’t get hit on a lot. Its not that I think this girl has super powers I don’t possess, but she has novelty because she is different and new.
- They have lunch together twice a week and have gone out to the museum and art shows together

The thing is I am never going to ask him to stop seeing her. I am still friends with guys who think they love me and he has never asked me to alter that because he trusts me. I for the record trust him not to cheat (Not physically that is - emotionally I am not sure anyone can promise you that).

I get that I cant stop anyone from doing anything they want. My question is, is there anything I can do to maybe just up my, My Girlfriend Is Awesome factor. I am happy to go on the offense – just as long as it’s not games / guilt tripping and I don’t ask him to stop hanging out with her.