[INTJ] Relationship Questions For INTJs. - Page 1238

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This is a discussion on Relationship Questions For INTJs. within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by E. Bennet Question: How can you reassure a male INTJ that your feelings for him are genuine, ...

  1. #12371

    Quote Originally Posted by E. Bennet View Post
    Question:
    How can you reassure a male INTJ that your feelings for him are genuine, without giving him the feeling that you immediately want to be in a relationship with him (and strangle him that way) ?
    Be genuine in your actions. The only time I would be confused is if the signals I was receiving were confusing. You don't have to convince me how you feel is genuine. You have to show me your intentions are true and your actions are consistent. That or take off your clothes and even that is 50/50 I might now understand what is happening.
    RexMaximus, stathamspeacoat and E. Bennet thanked this post.

  2. #12372

    perhaps I have to explain the situation so oyu know why I ask:

    I met an INTJ about 2 months ago. We went on 3 dates and became totally drawn to each other immediately.
    I'm in a divorce, he's single.

    4 weeks ago my ex-husband started harassing me over the phone and after an hour he started texting me that he was sorry. At that moment I was staying with the INTJ.
    I made the huge mistake of texting my ex back... and I saw that the thinkingprocess started inside the brain of the INTJ....
    Het told me to clean up my divorce first, that he had to protect himself, that he didn't give any guarantees for the future, and referred to a romantic lovesong inbetween his logical explanations.


    I told him that I understood his decision, that his logical decision also helped me and that I wanted to give him all the space he needed.
    We held and kissed each other for 2 hours afterwards, before I left.

    we had some contact in the last 2 weeks by texting (quite short and distant).
    and agreed to fix a date in about 3 weeks from now.

    I'm trying to search for a way right now to show him I 'm really seeing some potential for a future relationship, but due to the incident with my ex, I feel it's going to take some time to re-urn his trust, right?
    For me als an ENFP this takes a lot of my patience, but then again, I seem to understand his needs intuitively.... and I also need my freedom and space as much as he does.
    Last edited by E. Bennet; 03-20-2017 at 02:02 PM.

  3. #12373

    Quote Originally Posted by E. Bennet View Post
    perhaps I have to explain the situation so oyu know why I ask:

    I met an INTJ about 2 months ago. We went on 3 dates and became totally drawn to each other immediately.
    I'm in a divorce, he's single.

    4 weeks ago my ex-husband started harassing me over the phone and after an hour he started texting me that he was sorry. At that moment I was staying with the INTJ.
    I made the huge mistake of texting my ex back... and I saw that the thinkingprocess started inside the brain of the INTJ....
    Het told me to clean up my divorce first, that he had to protect himself, that he didn't give any guarantees for the future, and referred to a romantic lovesong inbetween his logical explanations.


    I told him that I understood his decision, that his logical decision also helped me and that I wanted to give him all the space he needed.
    We held and kissed each other for 2 hours afterwards, before I left.

    we had some contact in the last 2 weeks by texting (quite short and distant).
    and agreed to fix a date in about 3 weeks from now.

    I'm trying to search for a way right now to show him I 'm really seeing some potential for a future relationship, but due to the incident with my ex, I feel it's going to take some time to re-urn his trust, right?
    For me als an ENFP this takes a lot of my patience, but then again, I seem to understand his needs intuitively.... and I also need my freedom and space as much as he does.
    Quote Originally Posted by E. Bennet View Post
    Question:
    How can you reassure a male INTJ that your feelings for him are genuine, without giving him the feeling that you immediately want to be in a relationship with him (and strangle him that way) ?
    Cut ties with your husband. Don't interact with him outside of whatever is necessary for the divorce. This is important for you (so you can enter a new relationship without baggage), but also so your INTJ knows that there won't be any entanglements with your ex on your part.

    Tell your INTJ that you've done so.

    When looking at this question yesterday, what immediately came to me was that it should be palpable in your voice (tone as well as words), eyes, body language, and actions. If your feelings are genuine, the way you are around should shine through, leaving him without a doubt.

    Your ENFP mixture of bubbly-ness, depth, and vulnerability should pull him right in (it's certainly done that to me before).

    Feelings and circumstances (or what he thinks should be done) don't always line up, but it's clear that he has deep feelings for you. If you can reassure him that your ex won't be a problem, and that you won't hurt him, things should take off.
    EyesOpen, Dare and E. Bennet thanked this post.

  4. #12374

    i realise i'm projecting myself onto him, and i'm not even a guy [or a fan of the enfps] so grains of salt and so forth, but here's my take:

    Quote Originally Posted by E. Bennet View Post
    Question:
    How can you reassure a male INTJ that your feelings for him are genuine, without giving him the feeling that you immediately want to be in a relationship with him (and strangle him that way) ?
    combining this with the context you gave further down . . . imo you're missing the point. this isn't about you and what you feel about him. it's simpler than that. he has a dealbreaker in place, and the dealbreaker is that you finish one thing before you begin something else.

    that's how i'd feel about it, anyway. nothing to do with what yo feel about him. i/we just don't do drama well and i know i avoid anything that has 'messy' written all over it.
    TrippedOnReality, EyesOpen, Dare and 3 others thanked this post.

  5. #12375

    Quote Originally Posted by lilysocks View Post
    i realise i'm projecting myself onto him, and i'm not even a guy [or a fan of the enfps] so grains of salt and so forth, but here's my take:



    combining this with the context you gave further down . . . imo you're missing the point. this isn't about you and what you feel about him. it's simpler than that. he has a dealbreaker in place, and the dealbreaker is that you finish one thing before you begin something else.

    that's how i'd feel about it, anyway. nothing to do with what yo feel about him. i/we just don't do drama well and i know i avoid anything that has 'messy' written all over it.
    When I think things through, I suppose it seems a mixture of both your vision and the vision of RexMaximus.
    lilysocks thanked this post.

  6. #12376
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by jphreud View Post
    I will apologize in advance if this line of question has been asked previously. I simply don't have the time to read through over 1,200 pages of posts. If it has, please just refer me. Thanks.

    So I'm wondering about INTJs and texting. I've read some generalizations about this personality largely hating/avoiding texting. If you as an INTJ are texting a person (someone you've been hanging out with for almost a year) almost daily, holding 1-2 hour long conversations about nothing of great significance....your day at work, the cool game we played over the weekend, just stuff....and this is happening at the end of the day to where you talk until one of you has to go to bed, how significant is this given that you rarely text anyone else other than to answer a question or make plans for something?
    Put a ring on lay-away. (Just in case it's merely strong intellectual friendship.)

    If you have chance to see him in person...do two or three things.
    1) Interrupt him in the middle of something "important." He'll push that aside in favor of you if he's interested.
    2) Before you see him again, talk about an interest of yours you *KNOW* he is not up to speed in. See if he mentions it with a fair amount of knowledge, when you next talk to him.
    3) When you see him in person, see how he reacts to your putting out a hand to touch his arm or shoulder.

    Good luck, keep us posted!
    RexMaximus and Dare thanked this post.

  7. #12377

    Quote Originally Posted by lilysocks View Post
    i realise i'm projecting myself onto him, and i'm not even a guy [or a fan of the enfps] so grains of salt and so forth, but here's my take:



    combining this with the context you gave further down . . . imo you're missing the point. this isn't about you and what you feel about him. it's simpler than that. he has a dealbreaker in place, and the dealbreaker is that you finish one thing before you begin something else.

    that's how i'd feel about it, anyway. nothing to do with what yo feel about him. i/we just don't do drama well and i know i avoid anything that has 'messy' written all over it.
    I "thanked" this but want to give an extra YESSSSS

  8. #12378

    @lilysocks @EyesOpen

    Amen to that.

    I have never seen "messy" resolve itself completely.

    note: this comment is being made as a generalization - completely outside of the topic because I have not read the story.
    lilysocks and ukulele thanked this post.

  9. #12379

    Quote Originally Posted by stathamspeacoat View Post
    @lilysocks @EyesOpen

    Amen to that.

    I have never seen "messy" resolve itself completely.

    note: this comment is being made as a generalization - completely outside of the topic because I have not read the story.

    The problem is, that I myself hate the messy part also! But I can't and won't take responsability for the actions and behavior of my ex-husband, who is a real dramaqueen.
    I just want to make this very clear to the INTJ and I guess I' ll just have to wait and see if my words and especially my actions will give him the guarantee that I'm not using him as a rebound.
    EyesOpen and RexMaximus thanked this post.

  10. #12380
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by g_w View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by jphreud View Post
    I will apologize in advance if this line of question has been asked previously. I simply don't have the time to read through over 1,200 pages of posts. If it has, please just refer me. Thanks.

    So I'm wondering about INTJs and texting. I've read some generalizations about this personality largely hating/avoiding texting. If you as an INTJ are texting a person (someone you've been hanging out with for almost a year) almost daily, holding 1-2 hour long conversations about nothing of great significance....your day at work, the cool game we played over the weekend, just stuff....and this is happening at the end of the day to where you talk until one of you has to go to bed, how significant is this given that you rarely text anyone else other than to answer a question or make plans for something?
    Put a ring on lay-away. (Just in case it's merely strong intellectual friendship.)

    If you have chance to see him in person...do two or three things.
    1) Interrupt him in the middle of something "important." He'll push that aside in favor of you if he's interested.
    2) Before you see him again, talk about an interest of yours you *KNOW* he is not up to speed in. See if he mentions it with a fair amount of knowledge, when you next talk to him.
    3) When you see him in person, see how he reacts to your putting out a hand to touch his arm or shoulder.

    Good luck, keep us posted!
    :D If only I could be certain enough about the ring.

    Suggestion #1-I have texted during the day before while he is at work, and if he sees the text he will usually respond if he's not completely swamped. He has also done things like postpone seeing a movie until I could accompany him when I have asked because he knows I don't like to go alone.

    Suggestion #2-We've actually known each other for much longer than the almost year of hanging out, so we are really familiar with each other's hobbies and interests. We like to share with each other, and openly discuss books, music, movies, games, computer systems, photography, etc. It's actually kinda scary how much our interests overlap.

    Suggestion #3-I do from time to time touch him on the arm, shoulder, back, etc as much as I feel I can get away with aside from just hanging all over him. For a while he would kinda shy away or even flinch a little. From observation, he does not care for being touched, and doesn't like to touch others. In fact, I would say he has about a 2-3 foot personal bubble that he tries to maintain with most people. Now he doesn't move away or react negatively to my touch, he won't move back when I get really close, and he has on occasion come very close to me.

    In the past we would text several times a week and have decent conversations, usually earlier in the evenings. Since around Christmas I started playing a game that he is an expert at, and he was "tutoring" me, so we would text almost every night. It has since evolved into almost every night and we talk about this, that, and the other. He does a lot more initiating now as well. It just seems like he's incorporating me more into his daily life and routine and the changes and texting is telling to me.


     

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