[INTJ] The challenges of raising an INTJ...

The challenges of raising an INTJ...

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This is a discussion on The challenges of raising an INTJ... within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I guess I don't have a specific question but could always use more tips... my 6-yr-old is an INTJ like ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    The challenges of raising an INTJ...

    I guess I don't have a specific question but could always use more tips... my 6-yr-old is an INTJ like his dad. So at least we were a little prepared for the challenges posed by our wonderful little boy. He started having problems this year (first grade) and his teacher suspected they stemmed from his being typed as a "Green" personality (which sounds the same as an INTJ). So DH and I did a bunch of reading and research - like a typical INTJ & INFJ would - and discovered his classroom issues were perfectly normal for his type. (Nurture by Nature - Tieger)

    The biggest problem now is having to "run interference" with family members or other people who "deal" with him on a regular basis. We try to explain that he's not intentionally being rude (open) or mean-spirited(honest)... and they just think we're making excuses for bad behavior. As a mom, it makes me want to sequester him away! I think I must project some of my own hurt feelings on him though, especially when people accuse him wrongly of things... at least he has thick skin!

    Anyway, we plan to put him in Montessori school next year and I expect that to help in the classroom. All we can do with the rest I guess is continue to work on the relationship training with him.

    Thoughts? Tips?

    Thanks!



  2. #2
    INTJ - The Scientists


    Quote Originally Posted by Sherbear View Post
    I guess I don't have a specific question but could always use more tips... my 6-yr-old is an INTJ like his dad. So at least we were a little prepared for the challenges posed by our wonderful little boy. He started having problems this year (first grade) and his teacher suspected they stemmed from his being typed as a "Green" personality (which sounds the same as an INTJ). So DH and I did a bunch of reading and research - like a typical INTJ & INFJ would - and discovered his classroom issues were perfectly normal for his type. (Nurture by Nature - Tieger)

    The biggest problem now is having to "run interference" with family members or other people who "deal" with him on a regular basis. We try to explain that he's not intentionally being rude (open) or mean-spirited(honest)... and they just think we're making excuses for bad behavior. As a mom, it makes me want to sequester him away! I think I must project some of my own hurt feelings on him though, especially when people accuse him wrongly of things... at least he has thick skin!

    Anyway, we plan to put him in Montessori school next year and I expect that to help in the classroom. All we can do with the rest I guess is continue to work on the relationship training with him.

    Thoughts? Tips?

    Thanks!

    Hi there. I do not have a child, because well, im still a child myself in a way. Im 20. But as an INTJ, I feel as if I can lend some advice.

    When I was a kid, the problem my teachers had with me was that I didnt like to follow directions. I always tried to do things my own way. In elementary school, id be given a little project to do in class accompanied with a set of directions. I HATED reading the directions. I wanted to figure things out on my own. The teachers told my parents that I was stubborn and didnt respect authority. THAT WAS NOT IT AT ALL! I had great respect for authority..i still do (that is if they prove to me that they are worthy of my respect)

    Also, as an INTJ child, I liked to play by myself. This probably isnt surprising. Most intjs are loners. Happy loners that is.

    It sounds to me that you already know quite a bit about the "intj". And you sound like a wonderful parent. Don't worry about how things may look to outsiders...because, they ARE outsiders. Raise your son the way you want to. If you invest your heart and soul into it, then others will see that eventually. Focus on you and your family...others will see the light from it in time.
    Last edited by mdawn; 01-30-2011 at 07:28 AM.
    killerB, teddy564339, Space Cat and 1 others thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    My oldest is 19 and an INTJ. She is in college and sometimes it makes me sad she is so quickly grown.(she says that this is only because I am an INFJ Mother LOL).

    The best thing I found to do was if she messed up or did something that upset someone, caused problems, or made waves was to ask he "well, did you learn anything?" and then I would sit and listen to her explanation and help her sort through what she learned.

    I am INFJ, so I made sure to explain to her that even if she did not think certain things and traditions were important, or that she thought they were stupid, that sometimes for harmony sake she had to go along with it and realize that others feel differently than she. To not do so would result in chaos and at times this needed to be avoided. THis approach seemed to appeal to her logic and helped greatly.

    I also started to impress upon her to not voice everything she thought. This took time and she spent a GREAT amount of time in the principals office for airing views that others had issues with. I spent alot of time fighting with the school system and got used to knowing the principal rather quickly in every school she attended. I myself was in that office alot so that did not bother me at all, but it did my ex, whom was always wanting her to just go along with others.

    At times it was difficult to raise a child that did not fit within societies prameters, but NO MATTER WHAT, always, always, always put yourself squarely in your INTJs corner, and fight for them, even if they are wrong. Even if you know they are wrong and made a bad choice. Never give them any reason to doubt you and your passion or love for them. It is very important for an INTJ to know they have you 100% this way, and I think it is more important for an NT of any sort to know this over any other type of personality out there.

    There are many, many joys with raising an NT child also, they are very neat and cool kids to have. The good outweighs the difficulties many times over. Good luck and enjoy.
    mdawn and Sherbear thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Really big relevant article: The Development of INTJ Children
    Coonsy and Sherbear thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    I love this thread, I really do. I admire you coming in here and asking about ways to adjust with and to having an INTJ child. If my mother did that, we might be a little better off for it today. I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but I really do respect what you're doing. :) Plus, I think my mother is an ENTJ, and despite the number of similarities, shes a bit too much for me to handle sometimes and vice versa.
    Sherbear thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Thanks everyone - great words and thanks for the encouragement. As an INFJ, I tend to worry too much about it and get pretty rialed (on the inside, of course ). After all the reading, there has been a huge improvement in his behavior at home, at least... so weird that it came just from us being more understanding.

    As perplexing as he can be, I assure you, DH and I do very much enjoy him... (and have some great laughs over his antics when he's not around).

  7. #7
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by hoom View Post
    Really big relevant article: The Development of INTJ Children
    Thanks for that link - I sent the article on to my mother who is raising my nephew - who is also likely to be an INTJ or something similar. Hopefully some of this will help her, since she definitely didn't understand the meaning of compromise when I was growing up.

  8. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by killerB View Post
    At times it was difficult to raise a child that did not fit within societies prameters, but NO MATTER WHAT, always, always, always put yourself squarely in your INTJs corner, and fight for them, even if they are wrong. Even if you know they are wrong and made a bad choice. Never give them any reason to doubt you and your passion or love for them.
    I really respect your love for your daughter. But blindly supporting someone, no matter how appalling their behavior, does them a disservice. She needs to understand what it is about her behavior that people find so offensive. She doesn't need blind support. I say this as an INTJ who could have really used guidance like that. I might have been offended, and there would have been big fights, but I would have been listening and thinking and processing, and hopefully would have learned to modify my behavior earlier in my life. It would have saved me a world of pain.
    killerB, Paradigm, peachalicious and 4 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Sherbear View Post
    Thanks everyone - great words and thanks for the encouragement. As an INFJ, I tend to worry too much about it and get pretty rialed (on the inside, of course ). After all the reading, there has been a huge improvement in his behavior at home, at least... so weird that it came just from us being more understanding.

    As perplexing as he can be, I assure you, DH and I do very much enjoy him... (and have some great laughs over his antics when he's not around).


    I wonder if us INFJs get our 'dues' with having an INTJ child My daughter is on an INTJ site and she said they did a poll. Apparently, many many INTJ people have NF parents. Interesting is it not?
    Sherbear thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by sandlily View Post
    I really respect your love for your daughter. But blindly supporting someone, no matter how appalling their behavior, does them a disservice. She needs to understand what it is about her behavior that people find so offensive. She doesn't need blind support. I say this as an INTJ who could have really used guidance like that. I might have been offended, and there would have been big fights, but I would have been listening and thinking and processing, and hopefully would have learned to modify my behavior earlier in my life. It would have saved me a world of pain.


    I am sorry that you had a tough time growing up. It would seem you didn't have much guidance and you suffered for it.

    I agree with you in that you can not let any child go without guidance and think their 'shit don't stink 'so to speak. However, you definately have misread my intent of 'being in her corner' in public with 'letting her get away with anything she choose' . (blindness) I never said I was blind, I simply diciplined in private. That was the respectful thing to do, and modeling that type of behavior teaches young people how to be respectful to others.(years later she told my youngest, do the right thing or Mom will make your life Hell at home LOL)

    I do not believe in humiliation as a tactic for raising well adjusted children, no more than I believe that a boss who reams your ass out in front of your co-workers is doing a good job of being a boss. Forcing anyone, espcially an INTJ child, into a mold that society deems is correct, is not my idea of good parenting.
    Sherbear thanked this post.


 
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