[Coonsy]

Okay, I also cross posted this in the INFJ forum to get their point of view, but I'd also like the views of fellow INTJs on dealing with an INFJ parent.

Below is what I wrote:



Okay, so my mother is an INFJ, and many of her results seem to land in the middle (not extremely strong in any one area). She has even gotten the result of "You are Weird." My INTJ does not always seem to jive very well with her personality, and although we have a good relationship currently, there are definite things that seem to get in the way. For example, she is very family orientated, and would love to live next door and have my sister in the next house. I, on the other hand, am rather happy living across the country (our current situation) and (once I'm out of grad school and have the money) having visits a few times a year - if that. If I flat out say that, however, she would take it entirely the wrong way - to her, that says I don't love her. That's not the case at all, I just don't need or desire that constant in person contact. I try to work with her as best I can, but am not willing to bend over backwards for her either (did that when I was younger, and found it was still never enough).

We are both also rather opinionated on topics we feel we know something about - but again, our differences are stark. I like to research things, look at all the options, see the opinions out there, and then make an informed decision. She goes off of feelings and intuition, and often misses facts in her process. This can make discussions pretty frustrating for both of us because I feel like she's ignoring any opinions other than her own, and she feels just as strongly about her position as I do (actually, probably more so, since with enough evidence to the contrary I'm willing to change my stance - she is not).

So, from the INTJ point of view, if you've dealt with INFJs before, suggestions on how I can make our relationship smoother without constantly giving in to her (which doesn't make it smoother since I get pissed off and resentful...been there, done that, things are exponentially better now that I don't)?

[Jerick]

You seem to have pretty limited options.

Goals: make discussions less frustrating, relationship smoother

Requirements:
-Mom will only feel loved with constant interaction
-Daughter only willing to visit a few times a year
-Can't flat out say that daughter only wants to visit a few times a year
-No compromise on opinions without sufficient evidence, which can't be provided by the mom
-Can't be constantly giving in to the mom

Try this:
1. buy a dog
2. make a mask that looks like your face
3. put the mask on the dog
4. give the dog to the mom

Other then that, I don't really know.

Your problems are that she wants more social interaction than you're willing to give, and that neither of you is willing to give the type of evidence that will change the other person's opinion in discussions. She wants feeling based evidence and you want factual evidence.

So, find a way to offer her more social interaction that is something you'd be willing to do. Maybe send her cards or photographs of your self more often? Maybe share a blog of yourself or something? Facebook? E-mail and/or instant messenger? And, give her an appealing reason for why you can't visit her more often or live near her.

For your arguments, maybe try to paint how your point of view affects people in a positive way, and how her point of view negatively affects people.

[Paradox of Vigor]

I have an ISTJ mother so think about that. We think the exact same way except she hates talking about the future and loves talking about the past while I love talking about the future and hate talking about the past. She doesn't think I'm as strong willed as I am(because that's not normal), pretty much despises everything that comes out of my mouth. She does love me though!

David Keirsey says that Idealist(NF) mothers are almost always the best mothers for male Rationals(NT), and vice versa.

[tooboku]

I've only really known one confirmed INFJ so far so my experience is limited.

INTJs and INFJs are a lot more similar than we might expect. I could have sworn the INFJ I knew was also an INTJ like me. Also, an INTJ who isn't used to it may even seem like an INFJ when overwhelmed with emotion. There is a big difference though.

INFJs are very independent as well. However, they are very protective. This is how we clash. INTJs seem to not need or at least not want this protection they offer and so it is the cause for a lot of frustration. It is similar to the frustration we feel when trying to give guidance to people we care about but the advice is ignored. Instead of offering rational arguments (as a preference), they would rather offer service. In short, she needs to feel that you need her in your life.

She wants to be there for you and all that good stuff.

Things that come to mind:
- Give her an opportunity to provide emotional council. The INFJ I knew couldn't resist being the shoulder to cry on.
- Ask her for advice on socializing. Even if it is just a second opinion, she will love sharing her wisdom with you.
- Send care packages back and forth to each other.
- Add her to your facebook :P

Also... if she's wrong and it's not that important, you could let her stay wrong. By now she probably knows how much you value facts and logic. Poking holes in her facts and logic then in effect pokes holes in your value in her from her point of view. Lots of people get along fine being wrong. More importantly though, you should show that you value other qualities too... but make sure she knows you value her in the things INTJs think are important too.

[Coonsy]

Things that come to mind:
- Give her an opportunity to provide emotional council. The INFJ I knew couldn't resist being the shoulder to cry on.
- Ask her for advice on socializing. Even if it is just a second opinion, she will love sharing her wisdom with you.
- Send care packages back and forth to each other.
- Add her to your facebook :P

Also... if she's wrong and it's not that important, you could let her stay wrong. By now she probably knows how much you value facts and logic. Poking holes in her facts and logic then in effect pokes holes in your value in her from her point of view. Lots of people get along fine being wrong. More importantly though, you should show that you value other qualities too... but make sure she knows you value her in the things INTJs think are important too.

Some good ideas that I will seriously take into consideration. She's on my FB, but I don't hang out there much (stop in daily, but tend not to linger other than a quick scan of my news feed), and I do try to keep her in mind when I go shopping since she has a rather specific diet and has trouble finding the stuff in her area, and much of it is far easier to find (and much cheaper) here.

I'll try to make an effort to ask her opinion more often, even if it is just to let her feel useful...guess it's not like I have to take her advice if I don't like it :)