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This is a discussion on The (stream of conscious?) venting thread for INTJ. within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Auricent So I see this girl, and I think she's cute. I figure I'll try and arrange ...
I don't understand it. Why must i feel this way? There is no reason for me to feel this way. I thought i could turn it off. Yet the feeling of melancholy has happened to be my next best friend. Why am i so intrigued by it? Why can't i let it go and move on?
I've been trying to, but it has been a problem. How long am i going to feel like this?
Is this all there is left to me? Just emptiness and nothingness.. Just me, and this misery? Is this all that there is? Just this void, this feeling of emptiness, meaningless, nothingness... If i don't feel anything, why is this all i feel? If i don't have a heart, how is it that i'm here?
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to fade away. But i have to carry on in this life. I don't know how i am able to but somehow, i am able to? I don't get it.
Another thing, i don't understand why i can't accept that i'm a zombie. I don't have feelings anymore, they're dead and there is no meaning to life. Why do i keep thinking otherwise? I've already told myself that this is the truth yet...
I'm so stupid. To hope for something unattainable.
I'm like a fucking NF.
I hate myself. Seriously. I hate this life.
No words have reached to me like these...
"My life slipping away
And I feel nothing
Swallow the tears
Behind the smile / I feel nothing
I reach out to touch, but I'm not really there" - Arch enemy.
Hate, that's all there is left to it. A void, an empty hole. A big black hole of nothingness sucking me in slowly, disintegrating.. I don't really know what to do anymore..
well....I have nearly all my painting and renovating done....I have managed to throw away heaps of stuff....I just missed out on the ideal housemate as he signed a lease last week and can't get out of it without paying heaps....damn!
After years of being too ill to be bothered and really bogged down with responsibilities where I was always living beyond my reserve tank...I see an end to all the shit that brought me to the brink of madness several times. I have cleared the calendar and it's all about getting myself back....oh and looking for a housemate.
CeresZal, have you ever tried a "No-Flush" Niacin (vitamin B3) supplement along with 10-15 minutes of sunlight exposure every day?
I applaud you for not accepting the zombie state. Fighting against it indicates to me that you know it's not your only choice, because there are solutions or alternatives you might not have realized or yet considered. I have asked the same questions. I have stared through my existence frequently. I managed to get some pretty good poems written out of it, then once I'm out of that state of mind I can't seem to conjure up the creative focus to emulate the same intensity of thought and scrutiny. Consider that the struggle is not only in your own mind, not only in your environment but possibly also within your own, adjustable physiology- and, no, I'm not talking about taking a drug nor a placebo. I'm talking about the needs of your body not being met, and your mind channeling the bitter effects as a lackluster perception of life fueled by current stress.
Thanks for your response.
I've actually started say a few weeks ago to get more walks (which also means more exposure to sunlight) and i take a deliberately longer cut to get to school.
I had convinced myself to accept the zombie state yet it troubles me consistently. This emptiness/void had been affecting me more often then expected. My preferred state is calm/content. I am able to work better. Yet through that, i become more detached and when some random emotion strike me, i can become lost (damn Fi) in it, trying to figure out the reason behind it.
I am actually more relaxed now and still trying to figure out a solution. Until i settle this matter then i can be at peace.
I really don't want this to affect my work, i can be quite glad to say that it's not affected but my productivity level had decreased thanks to my gloominess.
My rant: I fucking hate being ignored when I'm trying to talk to someone. Just because I pissed you off two months ago doesn't mean shit. I piss people off everyday but I don't do it on purpose! Let it go already. I said I was sorry.. geez. Now be a normal person and have a normal conversation! Two months?? Really?? Fuck head.
Sorry. Just needed to get that out there... I'd say it to him but I don't suppose that would help my situation any :)
I swear sometimes Death seems such a relief You know, Something to be waited for not scared of *sigh*
I always set my birthday to January 1 anywhere online it asks for my birthday. When I got a whole bunch of Happy Birthday!s on Facebook on New Year's Day, my friends thought it was hilarious, and I told them I should change it to the first every month just to see how long it takes people to catch on. They laughed and said I should do it.
So I did. I thought it would get some laughs today, but instead I have a ton of warm-wishes type messages on Facebook from people...all of whom wished me a happy birthday last month. >.<
I'm not sure whether it's funny or I'm just a jerk.