INTJ Women and relationships?

**autumnbree03** · 03-13-2009 09:42 AM

So I'm curious, do any men actually seek out INTJ women? Every time I find myself in a relationship, in the end I always seem to be to much for my partner. It seems like they find my sense of awareness threatening even when it has nothing to do with them. They somehow seem to wind up feeling as though it's being turned back on them and they just can't handle it. Being an INTJ women it seems difficult to meet any men who are willing to take the time to let me get close at my own pace and who don't find my lack of 'femininity' (and awareness) intimidating. So for all you men out there, do any of you actually find that you seek out these types or know anyone who does?

**Grish** · 03-17-2009 10:52 AM

As far as I can tell, men seem to have problems with I*T* females in general. I think every single boy I know pretty much only likes F girls, and usually E*F* girls at that. Except one of my brothers, who has a thing for introverts. But then, I think he got most of his taste in girls from his sisters.

**Kishi** · 03-17-2009 05:54 PM

I find awareness in other people to be a wonderful thing. It is always more fun when someone else notices the things I do, or even notices things that i miss. It can make for some very interesting conversations.

I think that maybe, they are afraid that it will be turned back on them. Not to say that they have anything to hide; some people just feel insecure when you start to look into them too closely and pick up on things that they would rather you never did. If that bothers you, then it is a good sign that you should not be involved with someone like that.

Like most ENTJs I have high standards, both for myself and those I choose to involve myself with. But when you get right down to it, I would rather find someone that is comfortable being herself, than worrying too much about fitting a preconcieved notion.

As for a lack of femininity, in moderation I think it could be a good thing; being assertive, strong, indepentant, etc... but it comes down to just how much/little femininity there is. After all, most men want a woman who is... a woman. Otherwise they would just find a man.

Also, a lot of it comes down to dominance. Most men don't like to feel threatened, especially by the "weaker" sex.

Perhaps you could give a little bit more detail as to what you mean by " a lack of femininity" ?

**autumnbree03** · 03-17-2009 06:15 PM

By femininity I mean those characteristics that tend to define the INTJ types, the tendency towards lack of emotion and a more calm collected aura, the 'tell it like it is attitude', which people say they want, yet when confronted with it don't appear to. I don't do makeup and little black dresses, don't like to be touched much, and I'm realistic not pure or innocent, I don't try to pretend that something is what it's not. I don't know if that answers what you asked, but that's the idea I'm getting at I guess.

I agree with you, I don't think people like it being turned back on them, not that it's done intentionally, it just seems to be like a ruboff of what I am, but I really wish they understood that it is never the intention to create such a sense of doubt or inadequacy in them. (sigh)....

**Kishi** · 03-17-2009 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by autumnbree03

By femininity I mean those characteristics that tend to define the INTJ types, the tendency towards lack of emotion and a more calm collected aura, the 'tell it like it is attitude', which people say they want, yet when confronted with it don't appear to. I don't do makeup and little black dresses, don't like to be touched much, and I'm realistic not pure or innocent, I don't try to pretend that something is what it's not. I don't know if that answers what you asked, but that's the idea I'm getting at I guess.

I agree with you, I don't think people like it being turned back on them, not that it's done intentionally, it just seems to be like a ruboff of what I am, but I really wish they understood that it is never the intention to create such a sense of doubt or inadequacy in them. (sigh)....

That does tell me a little bit more, yes.
I too have had experience with people saying that they would rather have you tell them like it is, only to have them baulk when you don't say what they want to hear. I think that is they key... what they want to hear.

Feelings of inadequacy come from within. so don't beat yourself up over it. From my experience it is usually better to just apologise if you hurt someone like that and move on. I do not expect someone to be sure of themself all of the time, but if it happens a lot it is usually a sign of something much deeper going on.

There is nothing wrong with being realistic, but you almost sound as if you have been disillusioned with the world. Do you mind if I ask you if you know how you came to feel the way that you do, as far as femininity and being realistic, and a lack of emotion are concerned?

Forgive me If I ask too many questions about yourself. Getting to know people is one of my favorite hobbies

**autumnbree03** · 03-17-2009 08:06 PM

Well lack of emotion has just always been me, I mean I try to understand where others are coming from and I know that everyone is different and we all have our own lens with which we see the world, but sometimes everyone seems so well, emotional. I mean so am I, but not in front of others, and mine tends to be more analytical emotion, I analyze it so I can understand it and the next time I'll have a basis for comparison. As for the 'femininity', i've never been into any of it really i've always thought it was a waste of time, until the last guy I was with, but now that that's over.... I just don't really feel it anymore. I don't think i've been disillusioned, just realistic, I try to see the world for what it is and take into account that i too have a colored lens with which I view the world and adjust accordingly.

**Isis** · 07-08-2010 04:53 PM

I wonder why a man might seek out an INTJ woman...if the "Men are from Mars" books are right and most men seek unconditional acceptance and a blind eye to ridiculously incompetent behavior from their lovers, then the INTJ woman would seem to be to be a very poor choice.

I mean, really...how annoying is it to totally muck up something and then have your girlfriend or wife say "well, if you'd thought about what you were doing, this may not have happened"?

But perhaps I'm being a bit overly pragmatic in terms of the gratification thing.

**aevi23** · 07-08-2010 06:00 PM

Well, I know a lot of ENFP's are drawn to INTJ's, I'm currently going out with a very cute INTJ girl, I have a pretty strong F which creates friction sometimes, but that also helps me get her to come out and have fun ^_^

**ChanceyRose** · 07-09-2010 08:18 AM

I have found that men who are mature (not necessarily older) are more drawn to an intelligent and capable woman than a giggly vacant girl, which is fine with me. I'd rather have a man who is my intellectual match. Being alone is better than babysitting.

**sharpstick** · 07-09-2010 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by Isis

if the "Men are from Mars" books are right and most men seek unconditional acceptance and a blind eye to ridiculously incompetent behavior from their lovers.

Is that what those books say?! That p****s me off! That's not a man, that's a boy who doesn't want to grow up! An INTJ can not love someone they don't respect, I don't think anyone can. Not all guys are whimps, don't believe that book.

I love INTJ women. I have enough self-confidence that when they challenge me or my ideas I don't crumble under the pressure, I find it very attractive. This is assuming they are challenging me in a reasonable manner, if they are berating me or doing it in a condescending manner to score points I have no time for it.

I think I need to start offering courses in teaching boys of all ages how to be men around women, there seems to be an epidemic of either men who are too timid or too domineering to women. Or maby I'm just getting old and cranky.