This is a discussion on Fear of Relationships/Commitment within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by fn0rd I don't necessarily fear a relationship or commitment, but in my experience so few people are ...
Personally, I don't have a fear of intimate relationships or commitment. Like some posters here, the trouble is that I might get bored with my partner to some degree, so I leave the relationship (and sometimes abruptly).
After reading this thread, i see boredom of the partner cited as a reason for a lot of INTJ's to leave a relationship, hence the 'trouble' with commitment.
can any INTJ maybe expand on what it is about partners that would bore you?
What would keep your interest? What would bore you enough to leave the relationship?
Is it an intellectual thing? Do patners need to be entertaining you with new idea's, conversations and such like?
or is this a boredom that is more physical in nature? like the same old getting boring?
Or, is it a thing with getting bored with the routines of life in general, within a relationship?
A curious INFJ would love to know :)
I find it extremely dull to go over same ground when it comes to emotional issues with partners. They have tended to try and put the onus of their emotional happiness squarely on my shoulders. It is an untenable situation. I tend to attract men that are more like "girls" in that respect maybe.
What would keep me interested is if they actually had a life outside criticising me for showing an interest in study or other projects rather than hang on every word they say and having to participate in their world of them with my need for alone time completely ignored.
That is boredom criteria for me. I can entertain myself. I have the new ideas and routines don't bother me either.
I think that mostly because I am usually smarter (in the partnership) the responsibilities become higher putting me up there with being a parent and having to lead by example.....it's not only boring but exhausting.
The partner having smarts and autonomy without being a disloyal player would definitely be a plus.
I assume they are out there, I just haven't met any yet
Okay, this is the third time I deleted what I typed. I keep typing up what sounds like a raving lunatic's diary.
I get bored with neediness. It's that simple. Anyone who asks "do you miss me?" is heading toward a one way ticket the hell away from me. I don't miss you. Too much need for contact and reassurance will do me in. I require space. If I don't get it in a reasonable abundance, I will continue to get more resentful, and I'll inevitably leave.
But that's kind of getting ahead of myself. I am not absolving myself of responsibility for getting bored with people. I see them as an interesting puzzle in the beginning. Quickly, I start piecing things together, and before you know it, I have a whole picture of what this person is like in almost every aspect of their life. Then I start to extract the pieces of that puzzle that bother me. Then I take all of those bothersome pieces and find out how deeply attached they are to these traits -- this is when the big "talk" happens, and I dig into how I am dealing with those niggling issues. Then I connect the likely unchangeable traits to how I live my life, and figure out whether I can picture having to deal with that over the long term. In short, the answer is almost always "NO". Then I go through needing more space so I can avoid the bothersome aspects (since the puzzle is already put together), which inevitably leads to an increase the neediness factor in the above paragraph. When the neediness comes into play, it snowballs, and that tends to be end of that person. If they can accept it, and move on, we can be decent friends afterward. If they can't accept it, I disappear.
Anyway, anyone who is interested in me is going to get scanned and hacked, and they're quite likely to come up short in my assessment. I just don't have the patience (anymore) for a lot of nonsense and compromise and relationship wars. I want someone who really is pretty much perfect in my framing, and it's likely an impossible order. I don't want to babysit a relationship.
Thank you Bethdeth and wealldie forthe elaboration.
it seems to me that both your reasons are ..understandable to me.
it seems for me as one individual INFJ, that i see the whole similarity in how Ni works with us.
the only difference seems to be that as an INFj i tolerate a bit more nonsense before calling it a day.
What you're both describing seems to be more a self preservatory act, of getting away before being swamped by the partner.
So,.. thanks again for the explanations, they are much appreciated. :) G. x
Hmm hmm. Well, to be honest, I only eve left a relationship once, citing boredom" as the reason. In fact, it wasn't the reason so much as just one of the factors. I don't have trouble committing because of my fear of boredom; I don't commit because I'm used to the other person leaving due to sexual boredom. (apparently no sex before marriage is enough to drive off almost any guy. sigh. I'm sure there is someone out there with patience, right?!)
As an INTJ, I do need to be "entertained" with new ideas; I need the person to be somewhat intelligent and to like discussing things. If I'm bored, it's probably not just the relationship, it's life in general.
Regarding the original post, I don't dive into commitment anymore because the other parties are never committed; I need to see that they are willing to stick around, before I commit too.
I've still only ever gone that far with 1 person in my life, as that's just how I feel about being exclusive regarding who I share the most sensual side of myself with. To each their own.
I don't believe I was pressured to change my mind, nor that I did so to stave off my partner potentially being bored with me. I feel that I made the decision because it is what I wanted. At last, I felt emotionally ready to physically explore that territory.
My partner understood that about me from week 1 in our relationship- That he could never make up my mind for me, and that if he wanted me to be a part of his life he could sure as hell wait through the time it took to prove to me he understood it would be worth it for all the decades of lovin' commitment he'd get to enjoy with me as reward. Some people would see this as cruel and unusual punishment- perhaps they view sex as something compulsive which people must do with another person every so often to relieve tension, something mandatory to be engaged in as soon as possible in any relationship. I, however, see sexual relations as something far more personal and potentially destructive when explored before both people are ready to take it to that level of involvement.
I got lucky, due to the fact that even if my partner wasn't getting any, we could still talk about sexuality, intimacy, fetishes, frustrations and share that in different ways- in essence, feeding the fire- not ever allowing ourselves to be bored, as it were. Our mental and emotional connection kept us hungry for the day when we could both feel comfortable with even further intimacy- we made the active effort to make the situation work for both of us, but I don't think it works for everyone.
Patience isn't something everyone is comfortable with, unfortunately =\
I simply don't try because I can't imagine any person who, once they got close enough for me to loosen up, could possibly stand to be with me, let alone love me (if such a thing exists).