[Korvyna]

So I have a question for INTJs. I'm trying to understand my best friend and why he seems to be repeatedly bashing his head against the wall over this girl...

They've been together for a couple of years now and the relationship is basically failing now. I have no idea what her type is. I've yet to even meet her. All I know is that she's supposedly a very independent person, but is not in the position currently to be independent. And this is causing stress on their relationship, because he feels like he's doing everything, and she feels like a worthless leech (her words, not mine!). So they are bickering constantly.



She asked him to give her some time to herself. So he did... but she keeps coming at him taking little jabs at him over dumb stuff... So now he feels like he tried to give her what she wanted and she didn't take it. And he's tired of putting up with her... And then the next day he's beating himself up for not giving her space and not listening to her.

Is it possible that when in a relationship with someone they really care about an INTJ will do whatever they can to keep it going? I mean, at this point it's pretty clear that it's not going to work. As it stands now, he's changing himself to what she wants. If you need more information just ask... I'll try and provide as much information as I can. Like I said, it's completely one sided... So I can't give her side.

[MyLittleBlackHeart]

Yes......I will do whatever I have to. I am currently VERY pissed with myself over a situation that I am doing this.

First time EVER I am so soul-tied to a man....I honestly feel some part of me that is 'helpless' to him and I am battling it daily. I am ashamed .... *sigh

[InvisibleJim]

INTJ-ExFP relationships, oh dear.

[Grey]

Is it possible that when in a relationship with someone they really care about an INTJ will do whatever they can to keep it going?

Definitely, and this even stands for close friendships. In relationships that face a lot of conflict, I, as an INTJ, will want to fix it immediately, and may be all over the place in emotional response. If a method of mine doesn't work, then it can feel terrible for a while - the next day, or even a few hours later, however, I'll try to see what it was that I did wrong so I can employ a new method to fix things. It can actually become a cycle, especially if I feel progress is being made at some front.

One of the biggest things for me in a relationship with conflict is the matter of fault. I don't necessarily go blaming the other person all the time (in fact, I try to level the blame as I see it), but if I see it's their fault, I can become very resentful and want to make them fix things, and if I feel it's my fault, the general reaction is trying to fix it and becoming increasingly frustrated if it doesn't work. Oddly enough, one of the things that can actually calm me down if a relationship is facing hard times is if the cause of the conflicts is outside the person or I; i.e., school stress, medical problems, etc. It takes away the responsibility of having to fix everything, and if I do care deeply for the person, it's much easier to support them. I'm unsure of how other INTJs find it, though.

[Korvyna]

Thanks guys. Your responses really seem to fit his actions right now. And not just with his girlfriend, but also with his friendships. He definitely is wanting to solve the problem right now instead of later. And he's incredibly frustrated right now because he can't stop himself from his actions.

I think it's best I let him figure this out on his own and just listen from here on out.

[sunlover]

Not sure if it's the cause, but we're all worse if a grip experience is going on, whether it's the INTJ or the other type that's doing it. Sometimes people get outside themselves and there's not a damn thing that can be done about except ride them out.

[SweetSurrender]

The girl needs to be told to stop directing her crap at him, to direct it at herself, instead.

I am not kidding. She is mad at herself, not him- she's just channeling her unhappiness/discontentment to the wrong person. It's "look in the mirror" time for her! Everyone realizes this mistake, sooner or later... this chick needs the realization to be sooner if she's not to completely alienate the INTJ. There IS a point where we will give a person the middle finger, so to speak, and cut off communication, if logically from the INTJ perspective the exchange is no longer worth the emotional effort and support that the INTJ has given. It can happen. I have given the proverbial middle finger and literally not spoken with a person for 3 months- so that they could realize what they were and had been doing, from having plenty of alone time with which to have to stop and think about it.

I can only take so much distracting bullsh!t and/or ineffective behavior from the people that I care about, then it's "Goodbye" until the person is enlightened on their own.

[darkstar13]

Definitely, and this even stands for close friendships. In relationships that face a lot of conflict, I, as an INTJ, will want to fix it immediately, and may be all over the place in emotional response. If a method of mine doesn't work, then it can feel terrible for a while - the next day, or even a few hours later, however, I'll try to see what it was that I did wrong so I can employ a new method to fix things. It can actually become a cycle, especially if I feel progress is being made at some front.

One of the biggest things for me in a relationship with conflict is the matter of fault. I don't necessarily go blaming the other person all the time (in fact, I try to level the blame as I see it), but if I see it's their fault, I can become very resentful and want to make them fix things, and if I feel it's my fault, the general reaction is trying to fix it and becoming increasingly frustrated if it doesn't work. Oddly enough, one of the things that can actually calm me down if a relationship is facing hard times is if the cause of the conflicts is outside the person or I; i.e., school stress, medical problems, etc. It takes away the responsibility of having to fix everything, and if I do care deeply for the person, it's much easier to support them. I'm unsure of how other INTJs find it, though.

your words made me teary-eyed...
i am in the same boat as you are, and unfortunately, upto now, I am still trying to find a way to fix it, but i am so so so near the edge of giving up completely.

[serc]

Oh god, so true. I'll flog a dead horse for ages trying to salvage a failing relationship if I've put enough time and emotion into it. To have it all fall apart seems like some kind of failure, otherwise. And it's not like I get close to many people at all, so, when I do... well.