[Pucca]

Could you please offer speculation on the state of this INTJ (and possibly this relationship)?

INTJ in long-term, committed relationship is PASSIVE in regards to intimacy and neglectful of this partner's need for it.

Symptoms:

*extremely passive and clumsy (seemingly inexperienced) sexually. Has had the opportunity to have sex for a couple decades.

*generally passionless when kissing, often keeping eyes open and looking away from partner

*often pushes partner away or withdraws from hugs to do something else

*does not initiate sex

*INTJ extremely infrequent in agreeing to sex resulting in a nearly “sexless marriage.” Knows and has used every excuse possible to reject partner over a period of 8 years despite partner's expressed concerns and at times extreme sexual frustration

*partner has periodically expressed concern over a period of 7 years (when patterns were first recognized) with no improvement. INTJ verbally commits to “try harder” but quickly falls back into old patterns.

*INTJ recently admitted that he is a bad lover and yet shows no improvement despite ready instruction in form of partner's example and sex instruction books he has read

*passive in regards to cuddling and intimacy. If partner cuddles in the night, INTJ does not reciprocate and may even complain in little ways despite noting and being pleased with the partner's attempt the following day. Attitude while in the act is one of toleration.

*Conversation has deteriorated to shallow subjects such as work, work all the time, seemingly nothing but work.

*wants partner as a sounding board for whatever is frustrating him at the time, usually work or his dislike of people in general and his frustration over their idiocy



*expects partner to “drop everything” to listen to work complaints and frustrations, but no longer seems interested in inquiring after partner's state of being

*often makes decisions (particularly financial) that affect his entire family without consulting or informing his partner

*often wishes partner to stay around the house, but then uses the time they could spend together to do something on his own

*partner's impression is that his life could easily run on very rigid scheduling and as long as partner is a cog in the machine that keeps turning then, in his mind, all is well

*has expressed anger/frustration/displeasure when asked to compromise for solutions that will benefit all parties when he has predetermined his own plans

*is often critical of partner's natural enthusiasm, seemingly wanting partner to fit into a neat role that is not too loud, not too excited, not too emotional, not too inquisitive, and not too dramatic

*when asked, expressed desire for partner to stay in the relationship and that he loves partner. Says partner is his “One” person. Says he is content and happy with present circumstances.

*is known to conceal, evade the truth.

I would like to know if this is a desired relational outcome for INTJs in general. What would it mean if your behavior was like the preceeding? What would you speculate is going on with this INTJ? Any advice for the partner in this scenario?

[Alx7]

compulsive masturbation

[Alysaria]

Did his behavior change after they dated or was he always socially awkward?

>.> I'd suggest marriage counseling to be honest.

[Pavane]

@Pucca while I can relate to his lack of interest in physical contact, he seems to have intimacy issues. He's very avoidant if you ask me.

Marriage counselling is probably the best idea.

[Ryan]

For simplicity reasons I'm going to assume this is about you, if it is not, do not take offense.

If I ever acted in these manners I would be sending a clear signal that I wanted nothing to do with my spouse. Of course I would never handle the problem in this fashion, though, and would tell her up front.

Communication is key. You need to sit him down and tell him everything you told us. Explain to him your EXACT needs, wants, desires; what makes you sad and happy; what you want more of, what you want less of.

Does he show affection in any way? Do you know his love language? Maybe his love language is acts of service, and yours is words of affirmation or physical touch; if that is the case, and neither of you speak the others love language, and are both unaware of it, it might be hard to show affection for one another. What he sees as showing you affection, you see as a neutral act.

How did the relationship start? What attracted you to him in the first place? When did that attraction stop? How long did you date before marriage? Is he stressed? Have you ever had a serious talk about this problem? Have you become passive aggressive in your indignation towards him and how he acts?

Things can obviously not continue the way they are going--something must give. If he really wants nothing to do with you, and you're honestly trying everything you can, and showing a good example for how one spouse should treat another, and if counseling is not an option, then you need to move on. But you have to KNOW that you've done everything you can before you make that choice.

There is no such thing as a healthy person in an unhealthy relationship--it's impossible. If you are the healthy one, he will be forced to become healthy, or forced to leave, and vise versa. In that vein of thought, by now, you guys are probably both launching rockets at one another from your respective perches. This is obviously never the answer. Humility and soul searching is necessary.

[MuChApArAdOx]

Sounds very much like an INTJ friend i know. Everything about him is selfish, self entitled and must revolve around his time, desires/or lack of. I don't know if you can change a person who likely doesn't/won't/ or try to acknowledge these things. He may not even see them as flaws. He has a huge ego, everything everyone is dismissed unless it's to his own advantage. It's ugly, so unattractive. He tells big lies, small lies, cheats, yet cant' get his shite together at home. He doesn't care what anyone thinks either. This could describe any type, although he happens to be an INTJ.

This isn't true for all INTJ, my husband is all about compromises and doing things out of his comfort zone. He is driven to make me happy , always. I would create solid firm boundaries and stick to them no matter what the outcome was. It will make or break the relationship and confirm where you stand. No marriage or relationship is worth that kind of unhappiness.

[Ryan]

Sounds very much like an INTJ friend i know. Everything about him is selfish, self entitled and must revolve around his time, desires/or lack of. I don't know if you can change a person who likely doesn't/won't/ or try to acknowledge these things. He may not even see them as flaws. He has a huge ego, everything everyone is dismissed unless it's to his own advantage. It's ugly, so unattractive. He tells big lies, small lies, cheats, yet cant' get his shite together at home. He doesn't care what anyone thinks either. This could describe any type, although he happens to be an INTJ.

This isn't true for all INTJ, my husband is all about compromises and doing things out of his comfort zone. He is driven to make me happy , always. I would create solid firm boundaries and stick to them no matter what the outcome was. It will make or break the relationship and confirm where you stand. No marriage or relationship is worth that kind of unhappiness.

Your first paragraph describes an incredibly unhealthy individual. Unhealthy individuals abound in every MBTI type. Unhealthy individuals are also nearly impossible to accurately type. He may or may not be an INTJ, I'm merely pointing on in this context it's irrelevant.

[MuChApArAdOx]

Your first paragraph describes an incredibly unhealthy individual. Unhealthy individuals abound in every MBTI type. Unhealthy individuals are also nearly impossible to accurately type. He may or may not be an INTJ, I'm merely pointing on in this context it's irrelevant.

Yes this is true. This guy was typed long before he was married or had any responsibilities. He was typed in University, when he was much healthier. He is an unhealthy version of an INTJ, nevertheless, still and INTJ.

[Pucca]

In that vein of thought, by now, you guys are probably both launching rockets at one another from your respective perches.

The partner in this relationship has compromised so that there is a peaceful coexistence in the home.
There are no launched rockets and the neglect issues have been addressed in a thorough, respectful manner but not so often that it would tear down the INTJ. The INTJ says he is quite content in this situation and likes the idea of he and the partner remaining together with all his work aims for "their future." The partner is not sure what to make of it since continuing in neglect is not an ideal.

[Ryan]

Yes this is true. This guy was typed long before he was married or had any responsibilities. He was typed in University, when he was much healthier. He is an unhealthy version of an INTJ, nevertheless, still and INTJ.

Details, details. I did consider an unhealthy INTJ is still an INTJ, but for the purpose of this tread I thought it prudent to focus on problem solving and not typology, outside of maybe love languages.