[ailiton]

My first post.

Long story short, I have known my boss for 6 years and he has become my mentor and father figure. He seems to be a fairly typical INTJ - very private and aloof. We definitely have a special connection. I have even told him that I see him as my father and he was actually very happy to hear that. It has been a struggle to build this relationship because I felt that I'm the one who has spent the most effort. He's a person who enjoys fostering the growth (mostly career-wise) of younger people probably because he doesn't have kids. It all started out with him investing a bit on my growth. I was very responsive to it and immediately felt that a bond has formed between us so I tried to learn more about him. But whenever I ask a somewhat personal question, he felts uncomfortable and pushed me away (not physically but you know what I mean). I got confused. You invested on me emotionally yet you didn't want me to get too close? I didn't give up. For the last 6 years, I kept poking him for me and he kept pushing back (although less and less). Now he seems much more comfortable with my personal question. He admitted that he's not a hugger (he said he has only hugged his gf and mom), and one time I surprised him with a hug, and he actually had a big smile on his face (although he was trying to hide it from me).

My question for you is, how to I get closer to him? He doesn't like to talk about himself. He invited me over for dinner last September and it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes I felt really discouraged because it feels so one-way but his very subtle way of showing his affection kept me going.

Thanks for listening!

[dingo]

Let him open up when he wants to. He may never, but the worst thing you can do is try to break down his walls - they're up for a reason. I realize that 6 years is a long time, but it's likely that he sees your relationship as having particular parameters which shouldn't be crossed.

Still, it sounds like you've already made some headway. Be patient and don't give up, but respect your professional relationship as-is. If you continue on making it clear that you're fond of him but also keep it totally appropriate, you may yet get to the place where you want to be.

[Conrad the Cat]

If I ever become a boss/manager somewhere I would be careful not to get too close to those under me. The same way I am careful not to become too friendly with my boss. After all, the boss is the person whom you negotiate your salaries with and who might some day decide if you have to get fired etc. All in all, decisions that mean he has to exercise power over you. The situation could get very confusing and ugly if you are both friends and boss-employee at the same time, especially if difficult decisions have to be made. Being INTJ, your boss is probably aware of future negative scenarios where perhaps he must fire people and therefore he resists coming too close to you.

[ailiton]

Thanks for the replies so far.

Just to clarity. It's a government job so even though he's my boss, he has no control of my salary and no authority to fire me.

[Persephone]

It's likely the professional relationship (although we're known to keep others at arms length for an absurd amount of time) that's causing him to clam up if he likes you as much as you say. I know some of my professors quite well and will make excuses to talk to him (ok, I must admit I have potential internships and recommendations in mind) but I have never, and will never pursue a personal relationship with them. It's not even "professionalism" or "propriety" or whatever. I had a very personal relationship with my INTJ teacher but I was not the aggressor in the friendship. Conversations are kept to academic and intellectual matters and they know zilch about my personal life. I put you in the "professional" category because that's how we met (and I will assume you want nothing more than a professional relationship with me), and jumping categories is not easy because I am emotionally shut down when I am around you. It's my way of compartmentalizing. This can be hard to break and unless he shows some initiative, you're unlikely to get far with him.

[FlaviaGemina]

I agree that it's probably the professional setting that's deterring him from making friends. Even if he has no authority to fire you, he might have a rigid separation between his private and public/professional life.
I'm not a boss, but when I accidently 'befriend' bosses/ they 'befriend' me, I still try to repell them, i.e. I go by my own standards even though the boss is higher up the hierarchy and I should trust their judgement. It is a matter of "propriety" for me, as Persephone said, because I wouldn't want my boss's decision making processes to be influenced by their friendship with me. If I were a boss myself, I'd want to be as independent in my decisions as I can and any friendship with subordinates would cloud my judgement.

[Green Girl]

Being a mentor is a LOT different than being a close personal friend. As a mentor, the boss/father/mentor helps you identify issues, gives you support and advice. It's all about him helping you - but he doesn't have to expose himself much at all. As close friends, you are in much more equal positions, and your boss has to expose more of himself. It's much more vulnerable for him. This can be scary and uncomfortable. It also can feel awkward since he is your supervisor at work - I always keep a little distance between me and anyone I supervise. That's because as a supervisor, I have to put the needs of the workplace first - and that sometimes clashes with what employees want. Combining that with a close friendship can be tricky.

[kevinlivecomau]

I suggest discussing the topics that he would be interested in. Remember to contribute your own view on things, even if he may disregard the majority of your contribution, INTJs generally hold respect for those who are able to think and judge for themselves. Even if your feelings are involved in your statements, the INTJ most likely will acknowledge the advantages of this (when dealing with people etc.) You will probably never get hugs no matter what you do, so just hang.