[INTJ] Injured INTJ - tips?

Injured INTJ - tips?

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This is a discussion on Injured INTJ - tips? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hi, folks. I'm ten years happily married to an INTJ. He's always had a difficult relationship with his (suspected ESTJ) ...

  1. #1

    Injured INTJ - tips?

    Hi, folks. I'm ten years happily married to an INTJ. He's always had a difficult relationship with his (suspected ESTJ) mom; a few weeks back she hurt his feelings pretty deeply. I'm accustomed to giving him space to process when it's a problem between the two of us, but, you know, he likes me a lot - he typically only needs 24 hours, tops. It's been weeks, here, and his hapless/insensitive mom is very apologetic (for her). I'm giving him space space space, but my spidey senses feel like he may have hit a snag - there's a lot of baggage, I think, which no doubt is uglier for sitting under his surface for so long. Every time I've tried to help (in the most careful of ways) I've gotten bit - I'm out of ideas. Any tips? What helps you process pain/move forward towards reconciliation?



  2. #2

    Time. Possibly more than two weeks.

  3. #3

    @bentHnau is right

    This is a big one. I wouldn't even expect a time frame on this one. Betrayal (which would be how I'd interpret negligence towards my feelings from a closer loved one i.e. parent) is pretty much the worst thing you can do. Ever.

    The closer you are to us, the worse you are able to hurt us. Any person on the street can say their worst and it is meaningless to me. A close friend can get snippy and criticize me, even unintentionally, and it will sting. We're unbelievably sensitive to the people close to us.

    Doesn't matter if they aren't close since it's his mother or she's done it before. I'd feel like I should've known better, I'd be hard on myself, I'd be reexamining and contemplating so many things. I'd have bitterness and possibly confusion towards the offender. My feelings would be wooo... dark. I would definitely need a lot of space from everything and everyone. To decide how I feel. To let those feelings simmer down. To decide how I want to handle it. To feel secure about my decision on how to handle it.

    He's got a lot going on. I'm betting he knows you're there for him. No one can settle this for him except for him and it's going to require a lot of time.
    Mr Senium, Alles_Paletti, RexMaximus and 3 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTJ

    Have you tried acting normal and just leaving the situation alone completely?

    Edit: Let me add onto that, sorry. I didn't think my response required an elaboration but after reading it I realized it sounds relatively insensitive.

    When someone does something that hurts me, I want that memory and things related to it to die and go away. People seem to think 'dealing with it' means 'talking about it'. For me, dealing with it means not talking about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have a discussion about it. I don't want to share my feelings on the matter. I don't want you to bring it up, hint towards it, try to get me to talk about it. Nothing. Just leave it alone unless I want to bring it up. 10 years later? Still don't talk about it. Don't forget it, just don't talk about it.

    That does not mean I want to be left completely alone. I could be alone for months on end without a care in the world. If you give me space, I'm not going to complain about it. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

    That being said, I don't 'need extra space'. I just need you to not bring up something I'm sore about.

    Act normal. Talk about things you normally talk about, just don't focus on the drama of the situation. Basically pretend like it never happened.

    Because eventually I will deal with the situation on my own, in my own time, and nothing you say or do is going to change or affect that. It'd just be irrelevant babble that I don't want to listen to about something that I either have already dealt with, don't want to deal with, or am currently dealing with.
    Last edited by BioSin; 03-20-2017 at 07:40 PM.
    Alles_Paletti, fieryelf, lilysocks and 3 others thanked this post.

  5. #5

    Do things that would make him happy, when people are in a better mood you could get closer without the whole tip toeing.
    Dare and RexMaximus thanked this post.

  6. #6

    I would definitely need a lot of space from everything and everyone. To decide how I feel. To let those feelings simmer down. To decide how I want to handle it. To feel secure about my decision on how to handle it.
    It's been ten years so yes, I know all about the rest of what you've said - I've learned that INTJs are slow to let people "in" because there aren't a lot of stopgaps once they're admitted.

    But, I'm an ENFJ - my strategies are big picture, socially. His mom wants to reconcile, and for her sake (as in, her growth) I feel like we need to take what she's offering and help her understand how she's messed this stuff up over the years. She's crazy underdeveloped, emotionally, but she's admitted wrong - which for her is rather huge - and she has trouble sustaining/processing guilt, meaning the longer we wait the more likely she is to become bitter (so weird how some people take guilt and immediately convert it into self-pity: I'm all "wuuuhh??").

    Obviously, my loyalties are to the hubs, but long-term, moving his relationship with his mom past the dysfunction in some concrete way would be far better for him, right? I feel a little shaken by how big a deal this has been - I thought he'd gotten his mind wrapped around her limitations a little better, built up a better way to handle her? She did, mind you, go kinda beyond (slighted/tried to turn him against me AND questioned his objectivity/competence, in an aggressively persistent way) but I do worry that his "processing" is actually just, er, burying. Now, I realize that may just be me being all up in my Fe -- it's sometimes hard for me to discern where my world ends/his begins, emotionally, iykwim. He is a broad person - isn't one of those Fe-hating INTJs. Is there anything more I could do to help him word about it without making him go *kaboom*? My Fi-dom sister will dump when she gets dark: I know nooooot to say anything when she does - you just listen and try to keep any trace of (your actual) horror off of your face. She just gets it out of her system and all the crazy seems to magically evaporate. Do INTJs ever need to dump like that? And *can* they? I feel like feelings + words is not really a thing, particularly when they're negative. But. Isn't that bad for you? No judgement - just, you know, do you actually reach a full, concrete peace the no-wordy way?

    But in the interest of full disclosure: two huuuuge stressors for an ENFJ are unresolved conflicts and being alone (which I've been a lot, because hubs is very withdrawn/locked in a nasty stress pattern -- yes I have other friends but they're not a husband it doesn't work like that), and I think it's been more like four weeks now? #hardtosayitsablurofmisery I'm trying ever so hard to make sure I stick to what he needs here but it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm seriously gonna snap.

  7. #7

    So this person isn't recovering quickly enough from a wound? It sounds like the impact this has on you is more bothersome than the impact it has on him.
    Mr Senium, EyesOpen, Alles_Paletti and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8

    *eyeroll* - dude, ENFJ = "the giver", and I'm a serious case study in that handle, so no, that's not it at all. I'm all the empathy - totally not about me. BUT: this is veeeeery high stress for me, so that's a practical concern. Any tips beyond wait and don't talk about it (that's what we've been doing so far) are much appreciated, because, dood, the struggle is real over here.

    Accessory support stuff is covered: project completion, quality time, intensive cuddles, adventures/new experiences, cooperative learning, etc. His reception has been positive but slightly wan: can't get him to really engage. Not pushing him, but can also sense he's getting super tired from all the inner turmoil and preoccupation -?

  9. #9
    INTJ

    I agree with Kinkaid.

    Then again, that is also my biased perspective I think. Like I suggested, act normal around him. Don't mention the issue unless he does. That sounds to me like it solves at least one problem from each of you. You get the 'connection' you want and he gets to deal with the actual issue in his own time at his own pace.

    The issue with him (re?)kindling a positive relationship with his mother is his choice, not yours regardless of how noble your intentions may be, and he is the one that needs to make that call. He'll probably only want advice if he asks for it considering the scope of the situation, not otherwise. What you might think is best for him may not be what he thinks is best for him right now. And if it were me, there is nothing you can say that would convince me that my feelings and thoughts on the matter were wrong. Telling him otherwise could uh... *kaboom* him? I'm sure he knows his mom better than you and will make a logical choice based on that.

    Making him feel like it's a problem that needs to be solved by a deadline may only exacerbate the problem. And if it's a problem that is not easily solved then that'll make everything worse. Because then he'll have more to process but be in the exact same spot.

    Pretending there isn't a problem could lull him into a secure state of mind. Like, 'Hey, look how okay everything is. Now if only I could deal with that one thing.' That could make him feel comfortable enough to even just rant about it and open the door for you to lay out some paths to potential solutions.

    But regardless, like he knows his mom better than you. You no doubt know him better than us. So really, you're the best judge of 'what should I do?'.
    PacedGalaxy, EyesOpen, Mr Senium and 1 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by BioSin View Post
    I agree with Kinkaid.

    Then again, that is also my biased perspective I think. Like I suggested, act normal around him. Don't mention the issue unless he does. That sounds to me like it solves at least one problem from each of you. You get the 'connection' you want and he gets to deal with the actual issue in his own time at his own pace.

    The issue with him (re?)kindling a positive relationship with his mother is his choice, not yours regardless of how noble your intentions may be, and he is the one that needs to make that call. He'll probably only want advice if he asks for it considering the scope of the situation, not otherwise. What you might think is best for him may not be what he thinks is best for him right now. And if it were me, there is nothing you can say that would convince me that my feelings and thoughts on the matter were wrong. Telling him otherwise could uh... *kaboom* him? I'm sure he knows his mom better than you and will make a logical choice based on that.

    Making him feel like it's a problem that needs to be solved by a deadline may only exacerbate the problem. And if it's a problem that is not easily solved then that'll make everything worse. Because then he'll have more to process but be in the exact same spot.

    Pretending there isn't a problem could lull him into a secure state of mind. Like, 'Hey, look how okay everything is. Now if only I could deal with that one thing.' That could make him feel comfortable enough to even just rant about it and open the door for you to lay out some paths to potential solutions.

    But regardless, like he knows his mom better than you. You no doubt know him better than us. So really, you're the best judge of 'what should I do?'.

    Agreed.

    You might be feeling something that isn't there.
    ENFxs sometimes become upset on behalf of someone else, when that person doesn't care:

    1 Does not care to correct problem.
    He may not want to correct the problem.

    2 Considers the problem resolved.
    He may consider the current status a resolution.

    3 Is calculating what he wants to achieve and how best to achieve it with the situation.
    This means:
    a thinking about every possible outcome, then choosing the ideal outcome,
    b then thinking of every possible step + path toward the ideal outcome,
    c and then calculating the steps/path with the highest probability of achieving the ideal outcome.

    4 He is done with her.

    It also may not be fixable.
    Depending on what she did he might be permanently done with her.
    That happens when the betrayal is great, especially if it's family or a close friend.
    RexMaximus, EyesOpen and stathamspeacoat thanked this post.


     
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