[INTJ] Please help me analyse this INTJ?

Please help me analyse this INTJ?

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This is a discussion on Please help me analyse this INTJ? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Okay, I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask a question like this, but I'll go ahead ...

  1. #1

    Please help me analyse this INTJ?

    Okay, I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask a question like this, but I'll go ahead and do so anyway.

    Okay so.
    I know this INTJ, and we've been talking every single day for awhile now. We're pretty close, and know a lot about each other. He's told me before that he rarely finds people who understand him, and yay, I happen to be one of them. Okaaay so fast forward, he confessed. He told me he liked me. I was pretty confused about my own feelings, so I told him to wait awhile for an answer.
    BUT.
    We got into a huge argument not long after, and it slowly accelerated into me raging at him about what I disliked about him. (He can be pretty jerky sometimes.) AAAND so, we didnt talk for two entire weeks. He ignored a few of my messages too.
    We're back to being friends again, because I called him to talk about how sorry I was, how much I regretted the things I said. He told me that ignoring me was just a defense mechanism, because he was deeply hurt by the things I said. However, he also said that it made him realise how much he really liked me, because if not he wouldn't care at all, as usual.
    He gave me a deadline (-_-) to tell him whether or not I'd like to be his Girlfriend.. but the thing is, he's being soooo cold and so different from how I used to know him.. just your typical closed-off INTJ. He's been saying stuff like "I won't chase you, if that's what you want me to do." "Even if you don't want me, another person will want me." "I'm not a very patient person, just so you know."
    I don't know, it's just so... insincere, you know what I mean? Does he really like me or is he just too lonely and desperately wants to settle with any partner? Is he still hurt from the previous incident? Why is he being so cold and mean all of a sudden? Like I really feel like, I can't talk to him anymore because of how cold he's being right now. What in the world is he thinking??? It's like, he "likes" me, but still manages to be so insincere in his words and actions, which is what I really don't understand?
    Thank you for reading.
    -A troubled INFJ
    dreamy852, Clumsy and OrangeYou thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INTJ

    I don't read this as him being insincere or mean. He has asked you for a decision. He has closed himself off from getting hurt (again) until he hears back on your decision. From his perspective he may see you as playing games, wanting to be chased etc.

    Remember: Fi vs Fe.

    It sounds like your decision is no. Tell him and let him go.

  3. #3

    in his eyes you had your chance and blew it
    you revealed your true colors
    if you want to stay on our good side then talk to us in a rational manner
    once you go off on us we will not take you serious again
    EyesOpen, brightflashes, Dare and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by paradoxinc View Post
    We got into a huge argument not long after, and it slowly accelerated into me raging at him about what I disliked about him.
    Why did you do that? Did you lose control or just wanted to hurt him or what?
    EyesOpen thanked this post.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by paradoxinc View Post
    Okay, I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask a question like this, but I'll go ahead and do so anyway.

    Okay so.
    I know this INTJ, and we've been talking every single day for awhile now. We're pretty close, and know a lot about each other. He's told me before that he rarely finds people who understand him, and yay, I happen to be one of them. Okaaay so fast forward, he confessed. He told me he liked me. I was pretty confused about my own feelings, so I told him to wait awhile for an answer.
    BUT.
    We got into a huge argument not long after, and it slowly accelerated into me raging at him about what I disliked about him. (He can be pretty jerky sometimes.) AAAND so, we didnt talk for two entire weeks. He ignored a few of my messages too.
    We're back to being friends again, because I called him to talk about how sorry I was, how much I regretted the things I said. He told me that ignoring me was just a defense mechanism, because he was deeply hurt by the things I said. However, he also said that it made him realise how much he really liked me, because if not he wouldn't care at all, as usual.
    He gave me a deadline (-_-) to tell him whether or not I'd like to be his Girlfriend.. but the thing is, he's being soooo cold and so different from how I used to know him.. just your typical closed-off INTJ. He's been saying stuff like "I won't chase you, if that's what you want me to do." "Even if you don't want me, another person will want me." "I'm not a very patient person, just so you know."
    I don't know, it's just so... insincere, you know what I mean? Does he really like me or is he just too lonely and desperately wants to settle with any partner? Is he still hurt from the previous incident? Why is he being so cold and mean all of a sudden? Like I really feel like, I can't talk to him anymore because of how cold he's being right now. What in the world is he thinking??? It's like, he "likes" me, but still manages to be so insincere in his words and actions, which is what I really don't understand?
    Thank you for reading.
    -A troubled INFJ
    I don't think your INTJ sounds insincere. Why do you say that he is being insincere? Is it because you think if he really cared about you he wouldn't be thinking about other potential girlfriends and that he would wait instead of being impatient? Those statements sound more like him self-comforting/reassuring to me, rather than him not being serious about you (unless he has actually named other girls he has in mind). Like Dare has said, it sounds to me like he is protecting himself from being hurt. No one likes to beg, it is humiliating.

    He has asked you to be his girlfriend, and he hasn't retracted that offer. But understand that waiting for an answer can be anxiety provoking, and even painful.

    I think you should focus on whether you want to be in a relationship with him or not. If not, then tell him and let him go. If you do, think about what it would take to make this relationship work, and whether you are willing to put in that work. Be aware that it may take a very long time before he is willing to trust you enough to be open to you with his feelings again. And in the meantime this is likely to frustrate you and make you question whether he cares for you at all, which will not help the relationship progress.

    It doesn't sound great the way you blew up at him, though. Do you recognise that this is a bad way to communicate and that you may need to work on your temper? Or is it just him that brings this out in you?

    You also say he can be a petty jerk. Do you want to go out with a petty jerk? Or can you love him in spite of this?
    EyesOpen and Dare thanked this post.

  6. #6
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by paradoxinc View Post
    ... just your typical closed-off INTJ. He's been saying stuff like "I won't chase you, if that's what you want me to do." "Even if you don't want me, another person will want me." "I'm not a very patient person, just so you know."
    This is not necessarily intj-related behaviour, as I see it happening from time to time in all kinds of people (it's rather annoying to me). It's his ego. You've been hurting him somehow and he hopes you're willing to give him your attention.
    stathamspeacoat thanked this post.

  7. #7

    While he may be acting cold, I see his statements as ANYTHING but insincere.

    Dude clearly isn't interested in playing games, and wants a straight answer so he can either move forward with you or move on with his life. From his perspective, he has no way of knowing how long you expect him to wait for an answer, and many people in your situation feign uncertainty when in reality they already know what their answer will be, and are just afraid of the aftermath that being honest will bring. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, of course, but I totally understand how he could see it that way.

    It's a crappy situation for sure, but if you're interested, let him know. If you're not, set the poor guy free. JMO.
    lilysocks, EyesOpen, g_w and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by paradoxinc View Post
    Okay, I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask a question like this, but I'll go ahead and do so anyway.

    Okay so.
    I know this INTJ, and we've been talking every single day for awhile now. We're pretty close, and know a lot about each other. He's told me before that he rarely finds people who understand him, and yay, I happen to be one of them. Okaaay so fast forward, he confessed. He told me he liked me. I was pretty confused about my own feelings, so I told him to wait awhile for an answer.
    BUT.
    We got into a huge argument not long after, and it slowly accelerated into me raging at him about what I disliked about him. (He can be pretty jerky sometimes.) AAAND so, we didnt talk for two entire weeks. He ignored a few of my messages too.
    We're back to being friends again, because I called him to talk about how sorry I was, how much I regretted the things I said. He told me that ignoring me was just a defense mechanism, because he was deeply hurt by the things I said. However, he also said that it made him realise how much he really liked me, because if not he wouldn't care at all, as usual.
    He gave me a deadline (-_-) to tell him whether or not I'd like to be his Girlfriend.. but the thing is, he's being soooo cold and so different from how I used to know him.. just your typical closed-off INTJ. He's been saying stuff like "I won't chase you, if that's what you want me to do." "Even if you don't want me, another person will want me." "I'm not a very patient person, just so you know."
    I don't know, it's just so... insincere, you know what I mean? Does he really like me or is he just too lonely and desperately wants to settle with any partner? Is he still hurt from the previous incident? Why is he being so cold and mean all of a sudden? Like I really feel like, I can't talk to him anymore because of how cold he's being right now. What in the world is he thinking??? It's like, he "likes" me, but still manages to be so insincere in his words and actions, which is what I really don't understand?
    Thank you for reading.
    -A troubled INFJ
    What exactly is insincere about his words and actions?

    He is really not thinking too much. He may be tired of playing the game and wants to know if you like him or not so that the two of you can go from the "game" to working out life together and whether that is going to work or not.

    Generally, we have no patience for the dating game and want it to end as soon as possible. While we know we have to play the game, thats not our real purpose. Be prepared for him to become a classic introvert, a person who wants to spend a lot of time doing a certain set of small things. Also be prepared that since both of you are in an inferior Se, it is unlikely that the growth will come from Se. So, both of you have to ask - where is the growth coming from. Is it him learning more Fe and ou learning more Fi? Ask yourself what is it you want from the relationship?
    EyesOpen and brightflashes thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Have to agree with everyone else on the sincerity bit. All I see here is honesty and sincerity. INTJ's usually don't play games so they usually say what they mean. Take him at his word.

    It's more important for you to know what you want than it is for you to guess what he wants. If he doesn't know what you want, that is usually a first class ticket to done city for INTJ's.
    EyesOpen, Dare and Epictetus thanked this post.

  10. #10

    It sounds pretty clear for me too.

    He is asking for either a YES or a NO. He's actually being honest and telling you that he can accept either way, and he's admitting that he can't wait very long.

    You have to understand that INTJs in particular, are people who want to have "closure". We got no time and patience to wait for you being indecisive. Just give a straight answer.
    lilysocks, EyesOpen, brightflashes and 2 others thanked this post.


     
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