[INTJ] INTJ and touches: need your opinions!

INTJ and touches: need your opinions!

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This is a discussion on INTJ and touches: need your opinions! within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hey! I'd like to ask you INTJs about something that's been bothering me... So, I'm really interested in this INTJ ...

  1. #1
    ESFP

    INTJ and touches: need your opinions!

    Hey! I'd like to ask you INTJs about something that's been bothering me...

    So, I'm really interested in this INTJ guy that I know a little a year ago. He and I worked in the same organization, and well, you could say that he was my supervisor. So I have been interested in him pretty much after our several meetings, and then I tried to make a move, but I must admit, it was pretty subtle. Because his cousin (who happens to be my friend) had to assure him several times that I was interested in him. Long story short, I didn't get any positive feed back from him. I mean, he was really nice and friendly, but he always kept that 'supervisor' vibe with me, like he didn't want to take our relationship more than professional. Just when I realized what was happening, I decided to give up.

    But then suddenly he changed... and I realized he did ever since he acknowledged that I was single (he actually thought that I had a boyfriend). He kinda broke down every professional barrier between us and became this whole knew person that I didn't know (because as far as I'm concerned he was very rigid and inflexible with people outside their inner circle, like most INTJ's that I've read...) this was the first time he initiated physical contact: he grabbed my hand and held it but it was quite brief. At that time I didn't really look into it because I was thinking that our relationship wasn't at that stage. He never texted me. All of our texts revolves around work, never personal. Well, we did joke around a bit, but the texts weren't consistent.

    And then we kinda lost contact for about a month because I was busy with this project. THEN, I found out that he was going out with this girl. They weren't really dating, but they were really close, and some friends said that she was his past interest that came back after breaking up with her boy friend... Well, ever since then, I became more sure that I should just forget about him.

    But we remained friends, and I could feel that he was opening up more to me. And then I learned that he was no longer with that girl. But then I grew tired because I never really got the feedback that I hoped for. It was always me that initiated the texts, and often times he ignored my replies if he thinks it's and end to a conversation. And then I just decided that perhaps he's just not into me, so I decided to give up again. BUT, somehow we were reconnected through some events despite me trying to stop any contact with him. And now, recently he's been coming over to my house. And because I live only with my cousin, he just seems comfortable coming over. He stayed until almost midnight, and we just spent time together watching, laughing, talking. And in those two times he's come over, he has been extremely touchy with me. He loves to tickle me since he knows I'm extremely ticklish. The other night, he just casually put his hand on my neck and started stroking his thumb while watching a movie. I mean, I've read that INTJs don't really like physical contact, so it's quite confusing to me as to why he does these things. And we never text each other... barely... only if there are important things that we need to take care of. It's so confusing to me... he's really a riddle. So I'm really wondering what you guys think.

    Btw, I'm an ESFP if anyone's wondering. I'm a really outspoken and bubbly person, but I used to be awkward in front of him, like I was afraid of doing silly things that would make him dislike me. But now I don't really care, like I just say what I want to him, laugh like a hyena in front of him, I don't care.

    Cheers :)
    E. Bennet thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Gsuxo3 View Post
    ...The other night, he just casually put his hand on my neck and started stroking his thumb while watching a movie. I mean, I've read that INTJs don't really like physical contact, so it's quite confusing to me as to why he does these things. And we never text each other... barely... only if there are important things that we need to take care of. It's so confusing to me...
    On the face of it, it seems like just another INTJ taking their time to work out whether they want to proceed. The touching would indicate that he's decided to move forward and show you that he likes you. Perhaps he doesn't like texting?

    The thing that is most confusing to me is that he chose to hold and stroke your (delicate vulnerable) neck as a first/early touch. This strikes me as seriously not normal, like it's a power play rather than simple affection. Why not your shoulder or arm? It would creep me out and I personally wouldn't allow it. I would question what's wrong with a guy for trying it without building a relationship first. It seems obvious to me that you don't expect vulnerability from a woman without having offered a sense of safety and rapport (like with texting and various other getting to know you techniques) first. Perhaps I'm more sensitive in this way than most. Perhaps he's clueless. Be careful until you know more.

  3. #3
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Dare View Post
    On the face of it, it seems like just another INTJ taking their time to work out whether they want to proceed. The touching would indicate that he's decided to move forward and show you that he likes you. Perhaps he doesn't like texting?

    The thing that is most confusing to me is that he chose to hold and stroke your (delicate vulnerable) neck as a first/early touch. This strikes me as seriously not normal, like it's a power play rather than simple affection. Why not your shoulder or arm? It would creep me out and I personally wouldn't allow it. I would question what's wrong with a guy for trying it without building a relationship first. It seems obvious to me that you don't expect vulnerability from a woman without having offered a sense of safety and rapport (like with texting and various other getting to know you techniques) first. Perhaps I'm more sensitive in this way than most. Perhaps he's clueless. Be careful until you know more.
    Agreed in general, but (as the courts say) "Affirmed in part and denied in part."

    That is, if the guy isn't *too* experienced, either it's something he thought was romantic (by reputation), *or* it's something that worked for him with a past girlfriend, so his Ni has internalized it as "this is what one does" when going for a relationship or tickles/cuddles or touching is now allowed. INTJ guys can be fairly (ok, *massively*) clueless.

    But, it is far enough from the center of the bell curve that I agree caution is warranted.

    Full Disclosure: Office Romances are fraught with peril. I have seen / heard of such but not participated.
    Dare and RexMaximus thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Saying an INTJ does not like touch is a stereotype. Personally I love to be touched, and when i am around people i care about, I will regularly reach out and touch them. Partly to assure myself that they are real and that they are there. The neck touching does sound a little like a dominant action. But at the same time, If i have been building the relationship intellectually before this then physically I am more okay with the caring touch.

  5. #5

    I wouldn't use texting as a good way to gauge his level of interest.

    I've said it often but INTJs generally don't like texting all that much. We rarely initiate texts but we will reply to yours pretty quickly if we're into you.

  6. #6
    ESFP

    Thank you so much guys for your opinions. I appreciate it, opens up my mind a lot about him.

    I wanna ask a few more question. Until right this moment, honestly, I still don't know the right way to approach him. Do you guys value quality time? Or is it more of the intellectual connection?

    And honestly, since I'm an ESFP, I'm sort of all over the place. I could ask you guys to watch the movie or go shopping with me this instant without any planning. I like being flexible. Do you INTJ guys feel uncomfortable if I did that to you?

  7. #7
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Gsuxo3 View Post
    I could ask you guys to watch the movie or go shopping with me this instant without any planning. I like being flexible. Do you INTJ guys feel uncomfortable if I did that to you?
    It depends. I will admit that sometimes I do enjoy a little spur-of-the-moment adventure. However, it needs to be in the right place at the right time. Consistently obliterating my plans and structure will only stress me out and make me feel uncomfortable, thus less likely to accept your invitation. These sort of things have to happen at transitional points, not when I'm very busy or focused on whatever it is. If at any point you know something important is coming up/happening in this INTJ's life, then it would probably be best for you to wait until they are finished or have at least communicated to you when they will be preoccupied, that way you'll know when they are available.
    RexMaximus thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Gsuxo3 View Post
    Thank you so much guys for your opinions. I appreciate it, opens up my mind a lot about him.

    I wanna ask a few more question. Until right this moment, honestly, I still don't know the right way to approach him. Do you guys value quality time? Or is it more of the intellectual connection?

    And honestly, since I'm an ESFP, I'm sort of all over the place. I could ask you guys to watch the movie or go shopping with me this instant without any planning. I like being flexible. Do you INTJ guys feel uncomfortable if I did that to you?
    I had an ESFP girl come up to me and asked me to hang out with me last year. Basically the way it went was :

    Girl: Hey I'd like to come to your place for bla bla bla
    Me: Yeah sure whenever you're free.

    It was the end of the week and I thought the weekend was a bit too close to plan anything this week so I just said...

    Me: Talk to me next week and we'll see when we can meet up.

    The next week she came up to me and asked me when I was free and we made plans.

    So basically what I liked about doing things like that was that I had time to think about what was going on every bit of the way. I knew what we were going to do, when it would be and where it would be. Wouldn't say it was a spur of the moment thing but knowing in advance and making plans with specific details makes the whole thing go much smoother for me.

    Never had a date in my life at that point so It might not be the best reference but I'm just sharing what was going on in my head at that moment.
    E. Bennet thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Gsuxo3 View Post
    Thank you so much guys for your opinions. I appreciate it, opens up my mind a lot about him.

    I wanna ask a few more question. Until right this moment, honestly, I still don't know the right way to approach him. Do you guys value quality time? Or is it more of the intellectual connection?

    And honestly, since I'm an ESFP, I'm sort of all over the place. I could ask you guys to watch the movie or go shopping with me this instant without any planning. I like being flexible. Do you INTJ guys feel uncomfortable if I did that to you?
    I'd say he's taken the first step forward by doing physical contact with you. He's probably just thinking hard and observing if you're a good match for him. Not sure, but that's what I would think though. However, do not do silly things in the early stages like making him jealous/comparing him to other guys to test him, etc. There's a high chance that would be a deal breaker. A lot of girls do that for fun. But it's not funny.

    It's entertaining that you're unpredictable and impulsive. That's fine, as long as you don't ruin a major plan or disrupt my life.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    For the spur of the moment things, I enjoy them provided I dont have previous plans that they would even potentially conflict with. But if I am free for the day I love receiving a text saying lets go do this.


     
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