[INTJ] Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion?

Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion?

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This is a discussion on Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I'm dating an INTJ male and during the last week he has been quite absent. I haven't seen him face-to-face ...

  1. #1

    Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion?

    I'm dating an INTJ male and during the last week he has been quite absent. I haven't seen him face-to-face (waiting for him to make a move for once) and he takes a lot of time to answer my texts. However, through the few messages he has sent me he seems to care... But I can't avoid to doubt him.

    I've read they will show love through providing solutions to problems rather than showing attention (which I suppose that means wanting to hang out or spend time together). He even told me once that he wanted to see me but he was feeling tired because of personal issues.

    Should I tell him what I need in order to continue dating? As an INTJ I don't know if he'll change habits for me... Probably he won't. He hangs out more with his friends than with me and I can't help but think that this is a clear prove that he isn't interested in me anymore.

    What do you think?



  2. #2

    1. Yes. Approach him with your concerns. It'll make him aware at the very least. This way it won't be something you drop on him one day, after it's been festering with you for quite some time.

    And generally I'm bad at comforting, so I do offer solutions to the problems people are telling me about. Physically comforting someone is something that's always been awkward for me -even if I'd like to do it, I'm never sure if its appropriate to do with my female friends.

    People generally come to me (or should) if they want advice. The whole emotional comforting thing isn't my forte.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    I haven't seen him face-to-face (waiting for him to make a move for once)(...)

    Should I tell him what I need in order to continue dating?
    What else can you do? Acting passive-aggressive or giving him hints is not a solution apparently(I'm not surprised, do not do it!). Communication is the key to healthy relationship.

    I've been in a similar situation recently. I had many doubts. But I couldn't have been more wrong.

    And from my experience with INFJs... you need way more attention than we do, even as friends. He might not know that.

    Just have a conversation with him.
    Last edited by ukulele; 03-09-2017 at 07:26 AM.

  4. #4
    Unknown

    Don't beat around the bush. He isn't expecting to be able to read your mind. If you are feeling a certain way be, clear and straightforward about it. That would be the best approach from my perspective and the best way to get the answer.

    This is also fairly accurate: The Important Reasons Why We Find INTJs Truly Fascinating
    Feather Yewfrost thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    Should I tell him what I need in order to continue dating?
    Of course. In any beginning relationship with any types, needs must be discussed to check for compatibility. It's essential. Obviously being in a relationship will only be worth it/only work if all needs (and a good amount of wants) are being met in both directions. Don't be shy about expressing them. Especially with an INTJ who will prefer the direct language.

    Some people need more attention than others. But every relationship needs quality time regularly, even with INTJs. Don't feel bad for expecting it. I know that for me personally, I don't need much attention compared to the average female but I would not like to have less than ten hours a week of quality time in a serious relationship (at a minimum, closer to twenty hours would be more ideal). That wouldn't be sustainable long term to me.
    g_w, Feather Yewfrost and Clumsy thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Talk to him. Tell him how you feel, in a calm and organized manner. If hit helps to write down all your thoughts to keep the straight go for it. Then after you tell him the problem, offer a few suggestions for solutions that are acceptable, or would help alleviate the problem. Follow this by letting him think and process what you said.
    Feather Yewfrost thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Responding to your texts and providing solutions may not be sufficient for you, but it is attention.
    Feather Yewfrost and stathamspeacoat thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post

    What do you think?
    I think you should address self-defeatist (maladaptive) behaviors when you see it -- indeed, while INTJ have unique alternatives of going about such things, this does not imply it isn't the worst possible way to ("go about it") to your own unique needs -- or in fact, just a terrible way altogether. I recommend determining the difference(s) between malfunctioning (i.e, personal laziness/indifference/disrespect), and how this differs from ("typology"). Information processing units are not responsible for his "psychological-sadism".

    Recognize "INTJ" and then ("mistreatment/psychological sadism") then "socially-inept" then "disrespect"; et al.
    ___

    A so-called "straightforward/direct" type [as asserted] that cannot efficiently communicate they are wasting your time [or what they even want from you]; this isn't an INTJ thing anymore, darling. If it were a typology matter; it is an embarrassment. It seems the low-functioning weak communication is going both ways. Blaming his laziness (e.g, failure to communicate) and shifting the burden entirely to your side only is not how developed XNTJ do things nor operate; and blaming your ambiguity on "typology" does neither party any good; when it is simply another underlying personal-issue at hand.

    Lay down your rules; or someone else surely will.
    Last edited by Catwalk; 03-09-2017 at 07:51 PM.
    Typology Jesus, Kore, Feather Yewfrost and 2 others thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    He even told me once that he wanted to see me but he was feeling tired because of personal issues.
    This.

    I'm an ENFP, but when I read your post that part stood out. That is my most unfortunate aspect. The more I like someone, the more likely it is that I won't talk to them during times of issues going on because I would be 'less than who I am normally', which wouldn't rise to the caliber of the person I like, and wouldn't be worthy of them.

    I feel like I have to meet a certain standard to warrant my interacting with them... not because I don't like them, but because I like them that much lol. I don't want the relationship to lessen due to something that is not entirely in my control.

    So in the interim, while I don't feel '100% myself', I'll talk to other people, such as acquaintances or people I don't really know... only because to me, they're 'expendable' for lack of a better word. In that, if I screw up with them (ie: do/say something uncharacteristic that would lead to a detrimental effect on the relationship) I wouldn't take it as hard as I would if it was with the person I really like and admire and want to have around for a long time.

    In fact... there is a certain someone I've been doing to this to for the past two weeks (I'd been retired for 3 months prior to that), and he/she doesn't know this about me. He/she 'might' think it's because of them, but it's not. He/she is an INTJ that posts a lot, but I doubt they'd see this since they only read the first post in a thread to which they replied (and any posts that quoted them)

    I'll divulge this when I talk to them again, but I just hate this aspect of myself. It really can throw someone off, and it's also weird because I'm a gregarious person, yet have this weird thing I do with people I like the most. But it's not to do with fear of them getting close or anything... I'm just trying to ensure the nature of the relationship remains at a consistent standard. I don't want to do anything uncharacteristic and have that have a detrimental effect on things, or ruin things... and I'm liable to do/say uncharacteristic things if I'm not at 100%.

    This is what I really envy about INTJs lol... they can be so roboticly evenkeeled throughout even the worst of storms... like this ship at sea that can't be overturned no matter HOW choppy and chaotic the seas get, they just stay at the consistent level... I actually have the slings and arrows of life reflect through my demeanor if the slings and arrows are significant enough.
    Last edited by Despotic Ocelot; 03-10-2017 at 09:16 PM.
    g_w, Feather Yewfrost and pau576 thanked this post.

  10. #10
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Despotic Ocelot View Post
    This.

    I'm an ENFP, but when I read your post that part stood out. That is my most unfortunate aspect. The more I like someone, the more likely it is that I won't talk to them during times of issues going on because I would be 'less than who I am normally', which wouldn't rise to the caliber of the person I like, and wouldn't be worthy of them.

    I feel like I have to meet a certain standard to warrant my interacting with them... not because I don't like them, but because I like them that much lol. I don't want the relationship to lessen due to something that is not entirely in my control.

    So in the interim, while I don't feel '100% myself', I'll talk to other people, such as acquaintances or people I don't really know... only because to me, they're 'expendable' for lack of a better word. In that, if I screw up with them (ie: do/say something uncharacteristic that would lead to a detrimental effect on the relationship) I wouldn't take it as hard as I would if it was with the person I really like and admire and want to have around for a long time.

    In fact... there is a certain someone I've been doing to this to for the past two weeks (I'd been retired for 3 months prior to that), and he/she doesn't know this about me. He/she 'might' think it's because of them, but it's not. He/she is an INTJ that posts a lot, but I doubt they'd see this since they only read the first post in a thread to which they replied (and any posts that quoted them)

    So I doubt they would see this, even I posted directly after he/she...

    I'll divulge this when I talk to them again, but I just hate this aspect of myself. It really can throw someone off, and it's also weird because I'm a gregarious person, yet have this weird thing I do with people I like the most. But it's not to do with fear of them getting close or anything... I'm just trying to ensure the nature of the relationship remains at a consistent standard. I don't want to do anything uncharacteristic and have that have a detrimental effect on things, or ruin things... and I'm liable to do/say uncharacteristic things if I'm not at 100%.

    This is what I really envy about INTJs lol... they can be so roboticly evenkeeled throughout even the worst of storms... like this ship at sea that can't be overturned no matter HOW choppy and chaotic the seas get, they just stay at the consistent level... I actually have the slings and arrows of life reflect through my demeanor if the slings and arrows are significant enough.
    We all know who you mean. :P It's interesting what you're saying, though, about not talking to someone/not want to see them when you have issues going on. To me, that is just counterintuive to forstering a close-knit relationship. That's not to say I expect to be the only person they rely on but if they feel they can't rely on me both through hard times and good, I will have to question myself about the sincerity of it all. If they want to hide certain parts of themselves to me out of fear of losing me, then that seems to me a lack of trust or an unworded expression that they doubt my character and devotion. Especially if they do not tell me openly about this but just assume that I'm going to be close and dandy with them whenever they are done (which could be months, apparently). I'm not going to pretend my loyalty and care is unconditional.

    Then, I'm someone who believes actions often speak louder than words. If you retreat for lenghts of time without a word, I'm going to decide we don't care evenly about each other and it's better for me to invest less in the relation. If you explain it to me, I will do my best to understand and respect your decision.

    Everyone comes with good and bad sides, everyone has issues as well as attributes, and if I want somebody in my life, I don't want them to feel like they need to pretend they are only positive things. My respect, admiration and care is all-encompassing. It's a decision I've made to accept everything about you, because I do see beyond the surface of someone anyway. And that is another reason why I don't get close with people.
    Alles_Paletti, Feather Yewfrost, Dare and 2 others thanked this post.


     
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