[INTJ] Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion? - Page 3

Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion?

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This is a discussion on Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost I'm dating an INTJ male and during the last week he has been quite absent. ...

  1. #21
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    I'm dating an INTJ male and during the last week he has been quite absent. I haven't seen him face-to-face (waiting for him to make a move for once) and he takes a lot of time to answer my texts. However, through the few messages he has sent me he seems to care... But I can't avoid to doubt him.

    I've read they will show love through providing solutions to problems rather than showing attention (which I suppose that means wanting to hang out or spend time together). He even told me once that he wanted to see me but he was feeling tired because of personal issues.

    Should I tell him what I need in order to continue dating? As an INTJ I don't know if he'll change habits for me... Probably he won't. He hangs out more with his friends than with me and I can't help but think that this is a clear prove that he isn't interested in me anymore.

    What do you think?
    Hi, @feather_Yewfrost -- listen to @Despotic Ocelot -- even though he isn't an INTJ, he has some good advice.
    INTJs *need* recharge time regularly; and if they hit a rare down patch where they are actually depressed, and not recharging, even doing what seem like ordinary token social efforts may drain them a LOT.
    I consider it a good sign, that he opened up enough to say he wanted to see you, but was too tired; in INTJ language, that's probably as close as you'll get to an apology or "consider this a raincheck on my time and attention" as you'll get from someone you don't yet know too well.

    One thing, that is counterintuitive, which *might* help...and, again, depending on how well you know him, how long you've been dating, etc., would be to find a time you know he's at home, and drop by on fairly short notice with a spread of his favorite eats and/or drinks, and offer to just "be there" for him. It doesn't show, but INTJs have powerful Fi in their functional stack, and the combination of personal supportive presence + "no pressure" will likely make a big impression on him: if, he doesn't misread it as demanding or setting up an obligation.

    Yes, I know, your post was whether or not he liked you, or was spending time on you, or really cared; but with the INTJ, sometimes you have to resort to ...well, I won't say *tricky*, but "feminine wiles" methods in order to unlock his shell and get him to allow you further in to what he is now regarding as his private space.

    ...

    Come to think of it, though, INTJs are notorious for randomly disappearing and them roaring back, fully recharged. I wouldn't necessarily write him off just because he took a short hiatus from seeing you.

    (A good gauge of how far you are with him, is whether he allows you to touch him, or has ever reached out to touch you.)

    Good luck! With proper neglect, your INTJ will give you years of faithful service.
    Last edited by g_w; 03-17-2017 at 07:45 PM. Reason: "INTJ" not "i"INTJ, duh
    Feather Yewfrost, RexMaximus and Dare thanked this post.

  2. #22
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    I'm dating an INTJ male and during the last week he has been quite absent. I haven't seen him face-to-face (waiting for him to make a move for once) and he takes a lot of time to answer my texts. However, through the few messages he has sent me he seems to care... But I can't avoid to doubt him.

    I've read they will show love through providing solutions to problems rather than showing attention (which I suppose that means wanting to hang out or spend time together). He even told me once that he wanted to see me but he was feeling tired because of personal issues.

    Should I tell him what I need in order to continue dating? As an INTJ I don't know if he'll change habits for me... Probably he won't. He hangs out more with his friends than with me and I can't help but think that this is a clear prove that he isn't interested in me anymore.

    What do you think?
    Hope you are feeling well. Feeling left alone, or abandoned for others by someone one likes can feel awful. ):

    Took me about a year of trying to provide solutions rather than attention and comfort before I became more comfortable in actually just being there for that particular person and showing sympathy. The problem wasn't the lack of sympathy (as I have plenty), but the fact that I wanted to make sure the person felt better by providing solutions (which came naturally to me). In the end, she always knew what she had to do to overcome her problems, and trying to provide solutions during this time was actually making it worse (unless she explicitly asked for help/solutions). Other people seem to say that it is his way of showing attention/comforting you (and it is), but if the way he shows it in doesn't make the situation better then it isn't the right approach by him.

    I was, in the beginning, not that comfortable with melancholy, and I hadn't had much experience with sadness or expressing my feelings to others. But, I've since grown and it has helped me immensely as a person. All thanks to that one INFJ. Is he willing to grow as a person, and in what way? I would say that if he is interested in you, and you in him, then it would be worthwhile to meet halfway and try to understand each other on a more personal level.

    Now, as to the problem at hand. In what way are you dating, and how long have you known each other? From your post it appears as if you haven't had that much time to get to know each other. Is it infatuation, or have I misinterpreted your post? To me, honesty and directness has always been preferred as it typically gives clarity to the situation and helps with building trust and establish a sense for who that other person is. Even as far as if they are worth spending time on.

  3. #23

    Quote Originally Posted by g_w View Post
    One thing, that is counterintuitive, which *might* help...and, again, depending on how well you know him, how long you've been dating, etc., would be to find a time you know he's at home, and drop by on fairly short notice with a spread of his favorite eats and/or drinks, and offer to just "be there" for him. It doesn't show, but INTJs have powerful Fi in their functional stack, and the combination of personal supportive presence + "no pressure" will likely make a big impression on him: if, he doesn't misread it as demanding or setting up an obligation.
    Yes. This. My ENFP friend made me cookies and brought them by one evening after I hadn't been at school that day because I was sick.

    That was honestly one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me and made me feel very loved. Just seeing her for a few minutes, knowing she cared enough to do that, and having delicious cookies was amazing. Made me really emotional actually.
    Feather Yewfrost and Dare thanked this post.

  4. #24

    Thanks to everybody! :)

    @Scarab right now I'm okey although I have to admit I felt alone during those days he was absent. But there are worse things.

    I met this INTJ some months after the academic year started (I've known him for 6 months now). However, we haven't lived much experiences together as in class (we go to the same one) he's abducted by his group of friends (with whom I don't share much so I don't usually engage them). For me our dating was something serious (for him I don't quite have it clear...). He knew I was busier than him and I would be the one searching for moments to hang out with him while he would not really make an effort to see me.

    @Clumsy thank you for words. Unfortunately, none of your hypothesis are true.

    And thanks to everyone!

    Finally, we broke up...

    However, I appreciate all of your help. So, some of you will wonder "what the hell happened?"... I talked with him and, about his personal issues, he told me he wouldn't share with me anything he didn't want to. So I supposed he didn't trust me... "Don't you trust me?" "No, I don't trust anybody." He didn't even try to give me a chance. And, what's more, I believe he doesn't even trust himself because when I told him "Our relationship has no future." He told me "I agree and I'm not surprised." "Why?" (referring to him not being surprised) "Because you deserve much more."

    It all ended, but I'm okey. Indeed, I've learned a lot of things from this experience.

    Thanks to you all

     
    I hope the next guy will be simpler

    However, I'm sorry for him and his internal suffering
    Scarab and Clumsy thanked this post.

  5. #25
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    @Scarab right now I'm okey although I have to admit I felt alone during those days he was absent. But there are worse things.

    I met this INTJ some months after the academic year started (I've known him for 6 months now). However, we haven't lived much experiences together as in class (we go to the same one) he's abducted by his group of friends (with whom I don't share much so I don't usually engage them). For me our dating was something serious (for him I don't quite have it clear...). He knew I was busier than him and I would be the one searching for moments to hang out with him while he would not really make an effort to see me.

    Finally, we broke up...

    However, I appreciate all of your help. So, some of you will wonder "what the hell happened?"... I talked with him and, about his personal issues, he told me he wouldn't share with me anything he didn't want to. So I supposed he didn't trust me... "Don't you trust me?" "No, I don't trust anybody." He didn't even try to give me a chance. And, what's more, I believe he doesn't even trust himself because when I told him "Our relationship has no future." He told me "I agree and I'm not surprised." "Why?" (referring to him not being surprised) "Because you deserve much more."

    It all ended, but I'm okey. Indeed, I've learned a lot of things from this experience.

    Thanks to you all

     
    I hope the next guy will be simpler

    However, I'm sorry for him and his internal suffering
    *Hugs* I'm sorry to hear that, but it is definitely for the better. Can't get far without trust, and if a person can't open up or doesn't want to try (regardless of MBTI) then it's a lost cause in the long run.

    Hope it goes better for you next time, indeed!
    Feather Yewfrost and Clumsy thanked this post.

  6. #26

    Quote Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost View Post
    @Scarab right now I'm okey although I have to admit I felt alone during those days he was absent. But there are worse things.

    I met this INTJ some months after the academic year started (I've known him for 6 months now). However, we haven't lived much experiences together as in class (we go to the same one) he's abducted by his group of friends (with whom I don't share much so I don't usually engage them). For me our dating was something serious (for him I don't quite have it clear...). He knew I was busier than him and I would be the one searching for moments to hang out with him while he would not really make an effort to see me.

    @Clumsy thank you for words. Unfortunately, none of your hypothesis are true.

    And thanks to everyone!

    Finally, we broke up...

    However, I appreciate all of your help. So, some of you will wonder "what the hell happened?"... I talked with him and, about his personal issues, he told me he wouldn't share with me anything he didn't want to. So I supposed he didn't trust me... "Don't you trust me?" "No, I don't trust anybody." He didn't even try to give me a chance. And, what's more, I believe he doesn't even trust himself because when I told him "Our relationship has no future." He told me "I agree and I'm not surprised." "Why?" (referring to him not being surprised) "Because you deserve much more."

    It all ended, but I'm okey. Indeed, I've learned a lot of things from this experience.

    Thanks to you all

     
    I hope the next guy will be simpler

    However, I'm sorry for him and his internal suffering

    Hey, really sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds like you gave the relationship your INFJ best; you were patient, unconditionally loving, and really tried to understand his pov. But it doesn't sound like he was willing or able to give the same commitment to you. He's right that you deserve much more. Perhaps he will learn to be better when he grows up a little more. In the meantime, though it hurts now, know that the pain will pass and there will surely be many more opportunities for you to come. INFJs don't normally struggle with desirability, but choosing wisely, ah... I hope you will meet someone in the near future who can appreciate you for all that you are. *HUGS*.
    Feather Yewfrost thanked this post.

  7. #27

    Nevermind this post. I was kind of ranting something off of my chest, but just, nevermind it now lol.

  8. #28
    INTJ - The Scientists

    INTJs live in the clouds. Their heads are constantly in the clouds because that is where they do all of their imagining. We really can't help it because it's our dominant function; so it's an automatic thing for us. People keep trying to force us to live in a state of extroverted thinking and extroverted sensing...but we don't function well in that state for too long.

    People also try and get us to bring out our introverted feeling, which is very difficult for us to do and be sustainable. I absolutely cannot function in this state, I become a bumbling idiot.

    Keep in mind that where your second function is introverted feeling, his is introverted thinking. So he isn't really thinking about the emotional impact of not texting you. Not until he gets to introverted feeling and tries to put himself in your shoes (typically after he's experienced the repercussions of not texting you-cold shoulder, yelling, idk...).

    He's thinking more along the lines of what new insights he's going to come up with. He's having a philosophical discussion with himself...really. What catches his interest? Does he have any hobbies? Sometimes INTJs will sit in a state of Introverted Intuition for days or hours on end because it is cathartic for them. Being an INFJ, it's also something you understand because it's cathartic for you; keep in mind however that we are both experiencing this in completely different ways.

    If your INTJ is a composer he will be lost in philosophical tangents on what kinds of musical phrases to create. When he comes back to you, he will have created an entire movement or piece.

    If your INTJ is a philosopher than he will come back to you with words of insight.

    My solution is to just bring your concerns to him. If you respond to this in a passive aggressive way, he's going to understand that something is very wrong; what he won't understand is what exactly is wrong.

    Always be honest with INTJs. We're offended by a lack of authenticity and lack of honesty.
    RexMaximus thanked this post.

  9. #29
    INTJ - The Scientists

    In this context, I think maybe he's got some issues and doesn't know if he can trust you with them. Golden rule: be honest in how you feel and what you want, and make these apparent. Things will become clearer then.

  10. #30

    Quote Originally Posted by RexMaximus View Post
    People generally come to me (or should) if they want advice. The whole emotional comforting thing isn't my forte.
    me-trying-to-comfort-someone.jpg
    Alles_Paletti, Clumsy, RexMaximus and 1 others thanked this post.


     
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