This is a discussion on Is it true that INTJs preffer offering solutions than attetion? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Feather Yewfrost I've read they will show love through providing solutions to problems An INTJ offering a ...
however. with that said:when i have "personal issues" i want to spend time with no-one. or with people who are neutral or trivial to me, if i'm around other people at all. so caring about someone and just not being in the right mode to do anything about it is not inconsistent, for me.He even told me once that he wanted to see me but he was feeling tired because of personal issues.i think the answer could be anything. it's really hard to tell sometimes what the objective details are, when the only info comes from a very subjective viewpoint. but i also think that if you want something done about anything, the first requirement is that you have to speak up. you can't make what you need relative to what you think you might get out of him. if you need more time from a partner then you'll need it whether the partner is willing to give it or not.What do you think?
If an INTJ is going to date another human person (as with any other personality), communication and understanding for one another needs to exist. It's not a one way street. If the INTJ cannot understand your perspective, that doesn't mean theyre a bad person, it just means you two don't have complimentary personalities. no reason at all is good enough to force something like love. Overbearing oneself with romantic idealism is stupidity.
When I, an INTJ, am dealing with personal stuff, I'd rather be alone, too. If the person I'm seeing can't understand that, I get annoyed and would leave them. I'm very independent; i enjoy the company of a significant other, but it's never the most important thing to me.
However. If I were in your shoes and expressed your issues with my partner and they dismissed it, I would leave. It would be better for both.
The other posts have touched on a lot of things already. To add to them, none of this behavior is at all surprising to me and seems par for the course for many INTJs. One thing I will add though is that in any relationship of any kind, I absolutely loathe unspoken expectations. They tend to muddle the boundaries of a relationship and hurt open and honest communication, which is essential to any relationship. You are most likely to get what you want from me when you are direct about it and don't attempt to force my and or pile up demands.
How this guy shows affection will vary depending on the person, but I can agree that as far as support goes, I am more about giving you ideas or methods to solve your problem than consoling, which frankly I suck at and beyond venting, don't see a point to.
As far as personal issues goes, I can agree with the other posts that I NEED time to myself as I process such matters internally and am typically more volatile and less receptive in that state. If I do talk to you about it and trust you with such matters, it will be AFTER I have done some processing and am ready. If you do poke around in this scenario do so gently at most and don't force an INTJs hand. I don't know about other INTJs, but I am much more prone to getting serpent tongued when someone tries to force my hand. Best analogy I can give is that its like someone constantly picking at an injury until it hurts enough to elicit an unpleasant reaction. I do really appreciate it though when the other person lets me be and is available to talk should I want to do that. It is arguably your best move.
- Be direct and honest when speaking to him and let him know what you need. Hints are a bad strategy here.
- If he is dealing with personal issues, give him time and space to process it and avoid needless prying. If he is like me, he will respond best to having space and you being available when he is ready.
- When discussion time comes or when the issues are brought up, look to see what happens. I would look for things to be as direct and honest as possible and for workable agreements to be put into place that both parties deem agreeable. If the response is outright dismissal, I would consider that a very bad sign and if it were me, I would be leaning heavily towards do not invest.
We are not that simplistic.
it doesn't take rocket surgery to see a connection between this and your recent thread about how to make him be more 'mature' about handling conflict. so maybe i'm crossing a line, but i'll give this thought in a constructive spirit.
i'm actually very receptive to the needs and vulnerabilities of people i care about, and even those of people i don't - if the person is honest. i respect honesty so much that taking it seriously is almost a reflex for me; even if i can't relate or don't respect the content, or if i'm not willing/able to meet the need they've expressed. a lot of the time i'll still respect the person themselves for the courage it takes to do it.
the flipside is i'm at least equally intolerant of dishonesty and manipulation. so the moment i catch someone hoping to cover their own ego-butt by spinning their need as my 'deficiency' that they're just kindly trying to make me get better from, i'll be done. i have a real thing about clarity of attribution, so doing this kind of thing makes me nuts.
tl;dr: if you do bring this up, then the best advice i can give is to own your own stuff. don't make it about him and his immaturity, or about you and your altruism or anything else of that kind.
[N v m].
Last edited by Catwalk; 03-16-2017 at 11:16 PM.
Hey @Feather Yewfrost . How did your talk go? If indeed you did have one. He sounds like a pretty crappy boyfriend, but maybe he doesn't realise and will change when you tell him how unloved you feel and what you need from him to feel more loved. Or maybe he's going through a difficult personal issue and doesn't know how to share this with you, but does care about you. I hope one of those is true for your sake. And if not, then he's not the right person for you. I hope everything works out the way you want! x
Last edited by kinkaid; 03-17-2017 at 04:22 PM. Reason: irrelevance
Offering solutions is giving attention, albeit in his own way.
Be straightforward with him what you want and listen to what he wants and if it's all incompatible then end the relationship.