[Magentastraberry]

How have you fared with the realities of a relationship that became sour?



I have only been in one true relationship as of yet, which lasted 2 years... I'm not going into detail, but I will simply say that I am appalled by how willing I was to make my relationship work despite fundamental clashes with my partner. We got along, never fought, and lived together very well, but we were on different paths (me being a student at 24, him having no path at 29.) He ended up calling off the relationship for this reason.

My commitment to him actually scares me because I was so set on seeing "our dreams" come true. That is how I have always been with my goals - I will make it happen! It's easy when working on solo projects, but so frustrating when someone else is involved. It's funny how my idea of "commitment" isn't as extreme as it is for others. I lived with him for a year and then decided to take off an go to a university that was 10 hours away, but I still wanted to keep him. I can understand why he moved on, but we definitely had much in common as to where we saw ourselves in the future- living off the grid out in the desert. How many people can you find who are willing to do that? I loved him very much, still do, but it takes effort to put down a dream.

Just venting my disappointment... lol.

[Spear]

@Magentastraberry
Well I can't really be of any help since I've only had 1 relationship so far, but you can be sure that I'l at least try. The relationship lasted about 7 months and we saw each other about 2 times a week (We live in different cities.) and we would always go out for coffee. It ended about 2 months ago, I was the one dumped. I still reminisce about those time and am still a bit heart-broken, but at least once a day I think about what would have happened or what I could have done to prevent that. It doesn't help that she was my first love, but time heals all wounds.
I'm 15 by the way.

[Alysaria]

>.> I kind of wonder if he wasn't threatened and feeling like he wasn't successful enough because you have a path and you're younger than him. I was thinking about it a little in terms of my boyfriend.... He's older than me, so I'm ok with his success, but if he was 5 years younger than me and in the same place, I'd feel like maybe I was somehow failing because it's taking me so long to figure out what I want in life. I can't imagine how much more stressful that is for a guy, considering that society drills into them that they should be the successful ones in a relationship.

Then again, I'm just basically guessing....I don't really know his thought process or anything. Sometimes things just don't work out for whatever reason, and sometimes people come up with silly rationalizations for why things might not work out.

[Magentastraberry]

@Alysaria

Yes, it was like he was going through some midlife crisis in acknowledging that he had nothing - no home, no family, etc. I personally viewed him as still having much potential and definitely capable of establishing himself, but he definitely took it to heart and I became frustrated because of that. His continual indecisiveness does not help either, I'm not sure if he'll ever be at rest. I want him to take a test for his personality type, it may help him. This is all fairly new to me.

[Alysaria]

@Alysaria

Yes, it was like he was going through some midlife crisis in acknowledging that he had nothing - no home, no family, etc. I personally viewed him as still having much potential and definitely capable of establishing himself, but he definitely took it to heart and I became frustrated because of that. His continual indecisiveness does not help either, I'm not sure if he'll ever be at rest. I want him to take a test for his personality type, it may help him. This is all fairly new to me.

It's safe to say that he doesn't have the same kind of focus that you do - INTJs are planners, and whatever it is that is important to you is going to get an insane amount of effort put into it. It can be a little frustrating to deal with someone who sees and relates to the world a different way, particularly if they feel something is wrong with them for being different. Of course that only makes it worse, because it leads to more self-criticism than doing anything constructive about reaching their goals....particularly if he had a family that was similarly motivated the way that you are.

[knittigan]

I'm not going into detail, but I will simply say that I am appalled by how willing I was to make my relationship work despite fundamental clashes with my partner.

[...]My commitment to him actually scares me because I was so set on seeing "our dreams" come true. That is how I have always been with my goals - I will make it happen! It's easy when working on solo projects, but so frustrating when someone else is involved. It's funny how my idea of "commitment" isn't as extreme as it is for others. I lived with him for a year and then decided to take off an go to a university that was 10 hours away, but I still wanted to keep him. I can understand why he moved on, but we definitely had much in common as to where we saw ourselves in the future- living off the grid out in the desert. How many people can you find who are willing to do that? I loved him very much, still do, but it takes effort to put down a dream.

Just venting my disappointment... lol.

I understand and can relate very much, although in my case it has to do with my best friend rather than my partner. Things have deteriorated somewhat between the two of us in the last year or so and in the midst of all of that chaos, I've started to realise how unequal our level of commitment to our friendship is. I care about her almost as much as I care about my partner (more in some ways, less in others) and it's becoming clear to me that she doesn't care about me, my feelings, or my opinions to nearly the same extent; she always puts herself first and more or less takes advantage of all of the things I do for her. It's been a very disappointing time for me as well -- it can be devastating to realise something like that about yourself.