[selfinsufficient]

posted this on istj board (boyfriend is istj). am i making this too big a deal? should i just forget about it?
i have trusted my istj boyfriend from the start, and he never made me feel that i shouldn't. he is very loyal and faithful and committed to our relationship and absolutely in love with me that i would never question it. and when i say that i mean it- i completely believe his love for me. he puts me on a pedastal, adores me, does everything he can so as not to lose me and would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy or to risk losing me. everyone who knows him has never seen him in love like this, they are always telling me how much they can tell he is head over heels in love with me and i agree- he makes me feel that way.

everything would be fine except that 2 months ago i saw something that hurt me and have been keeping it in. i am not sure if i should let it bother me the way it does or if i should let it go. i have not been able to let it go yet.

my istj trusts me and he has told me all the passwords to his accounts etc. I don't ever use them, i believe in trust and i don't care to be a snoop. one day though i needed to use his ipad and i logged in by using the password he had given me. his facebook page had been left open on the screen. he rarely uses his facebook, never goes on there. i could have just exited but just out of habit i clicked on the message icon. not expecting to find anything it was more just a reflex. there was a message he had just sent a few days prior. one night he had gotten extremely drunk. i was at home that night, it was a weekday night and he had had a lot of work, and went for drink afterwards with friends. got absolutely obliterated drunk. sent me some crude sexual texts. i knew he was drunk b/c they were very crude and he deosn't talk like that unless he is that drunk. apparently that same night he had sent a facebook message to a mutual friend of ours. it was a message telling her that she is hot.

when i saw it i felt so hurt and betrayed. i called her and she said she had not responded (she hadn't) and that she had seen him that night and knew he was "wasted" and had not taken it seriously and felt it was best not to say anything as it was a one time thing under that kind of circumstance. she told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing. i trust her she is a good friend. but i am disturbed that he did that. i decided not to say anything about it and let it go but it is still there, in the back of my mind and i have to admit that i trust him less now. and i contemplate checking his accounts again.

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

[selfinsufficient]

why would a guy who is happy with his girlfriend do that? was it just innocent? i have never been cheated on but it is one of my deep fears. is this a red flag?

[snowbell]

From what you're saying I gather that all he said was "you're hot" to your mutual friend, whilst drunk. And soon afterwards he apologized to her.

From what you say of him and how he behaves he treats you like you're his world. Because of that i personally don't think it's as big of an issue - something that you need to take seriously. Why? Because (and I'll be blunt here) most men do admire other women - its hard not to do so. Even though he thinks she's hot, he's chosen to be with you and everything else you have said says that he is doing everything he can to be a good boyfriend to you.

What would you have done if he had said to he face while you were standing next to him: "you're pretty" or "you're hot"? Would it hurt as much? and what if you were watching a movie and someone like Angelina Jolie or some supermodel came on and he said that she's hot? Would you feel the same way? actions speak louder than words and he didn't DO anything with her (from what you're saying) so the way I see it is he was drunk and feeling less inhibited he said something he wouldn't otherwise have said, and once done he apologized for it. I think he's already learnt his lesson.

If you do feel you need to confront him, do so, but explain why you needed to use his iPad and how things transpired and how it all made you feel and then (and this is the important bit) allow him to explain himself and his actions. Don't jump his throat and accuse him of anything - let him tell you his side of the story. Doing that will show you trust him and will let the two of you work it out in a calm and peaceful manner.

I suspect that he didn't say anything to you because he was afraid and didn't want to screw up and while it looks to have been a mistake (considering its making you upset and hurting you) I don't see it as having malicious intent - again all it was was "you're hot", and not "you're hotter than my girlfriend and I want to be with you instead so i can screw your brains out". And he apologized after as well.

To answer your second question, I have never been drunk and so I can only go by what others have said but I understand it to make it easier to say/do things because you're socially not as inhibited and lose that "tact" that you'd otherwise have (hence the crude texts). That is why he'd do that, at least to me - he didn't have the reservation that he normally does. You haven't been cheated on - not in this instance.

Best of luck :).

[selfinsufficient]

yes you are right, it's really not what he said its more that he went on his facebook (which he rarely goes on facebook to begin with) and sent that to her, being sneaky as it was a private message, and seriously what was the point of doing that? an what if she had responded? would he have engaged further in some sexual mesages? and its a friend of both of ours. someone we hang out with every week. it makes me feel betrayed. i don't mind him thinking she is hot but why send a message privately saying that? it feels deceitful.

[krentz]

I am compelled to tell you that I have very little experience in this realm so you are likely better off waiting until someone with a more respectable opinion appears. But for my £0.02, I ought to say that if a person is drunk enough to speak to you in a vulgar way he would never otherwise do then he is more than capable of saying things to other people that he never would, either. In fact I just don't understand drunk people, full stop. Some seem to have a personality transplant and I find the fact that this passes for normal in our society frightening. In any case, I don't think he would have given you all of his passwords if he didn't trust you completely - I'm not even sure I would do that. Whether he meant what he said only while drunk or whether he he really feels that way is another issue, but we cannot control who we are attracted to, only whether we act upon it. Notice that he didn't say that he thought anything about her other than that she 'was hot', nor did he ever say you weren't (quite the opposite, given the texts). However reading between the lines I don't think it would be prudent to have blind faith either. If I were in your position I would find some way to 'test the waters' without alluding to the fact you checked his account (as that too is a potential betrayal of trust). How you might go about this is another matter entirely... I'm afraid I have no suggestions. If you don't want to get embroiled in a mess and you feel he is mature enough to handle this, then telling him directly might also be a potential course of action. Explain your feelings, and allow him to express his side. Don't push too hard otherwise he might close up - I'm guessing it's something he's not particularly proud of.

[Nucky]

Although I understand how a remark like that can be hurtful, it doesn't seem to me like it's a threat to your relationship. An isolated incident like that doesn't represent a bad person or a bad relationship. It represents bad judgment in that moment. It was a lewd remark that slipped out of his tongue during a lapse of judgment, for which he promptly apologized. From his track record it sounds like you really do mean the world to him, and he probably won't make that mistake again.

[selfinsufficient]

thanks krentz. i know how he feels about me, i am not worried about that at all. he has from the start been very expressive of how "hot" he thinks i am and our attraction is intense, he says i am the most beautiful girl he;s ever been with, that i am too hot for him and he doesn't know why i am with him, etc etc. there is nothing lacking. so all the more- it is more so that i am disturbed that he went behind my back to send a message that might have led to something more and now i can't trust him the way i did before. what if the girl had not been a friend and had responded? would he have gone further???

[pinkrasputin]

Don't confront. I broke up with a guy just on the basis that he snooped.

I'd be more creative, instead I would corner him into admitting he thought our common friend was hot. Then have a convo from there.

I never need to snoop because my intuition is pretty huge. And sometimes I get information regarding my daughter. I can't kill the source so I can't tell her how I knew something, but with skill I can get her to admit something.

Instead of trying to ask if something is morally right or wrong by some objective standard, just try to figure if you like this behavior. If you're okay with it, then you don't even have to bring it up. If you are not okay with it and it sends you red flags and you see potential for future hurt, then move on. Or discuss something.

I don't think you are going to get the answer you seek by going to him. Either justify his behavior in your mind (don't idealize him stay more open than that) or don't justify his behavior. All he is going to tell you is that he was drunk and you shouldn't be snooping. You already know that. It really is up to you what you want to do from here.

[snowbell]

yes you are right, it's really not what he said its more that he went on his facebook (which he rarely goes on facebook to begin with) and sent that to her, being sneaky as it was a private message, and seriously what was the point of doing that? an what if she had responded? would he have engaged further in some sexual mesages? and its a friend of both of ours. someone we hang out with every week. it makes me feel betrayed. i don't mind him thinking she is hot but why send a message privately saying that? it feels deceitful.

Yeah I do see what you mean re the deceit. I don't know, to be honest. I mean, I still don't see this as having been maliciously motivated but like you say it does sound deceitful and sneaky...

I mean posting it on her wall, would have had the same effect of getting the message across so maybe he could have done that but maybe realized it'd be a bit much to do so opted for more subtlety? I don't know.

But then one could also say that if he'd texted her it could be construed as "private". I think the easiest way to figure out if he'd have done more would be to simply confront him. Has he gotten as drunk and sent you crude texts before?

[Cygnus]

since he called the girl the next day and was super embarrassed about what had happened, i really don't think that you have anything to be concerned about (as far as how devoted he is to you and to your relationship). if you have trouble accepting that your relationship is safe and that he is devoted to you, i think the important question is "why?". are you afraid that he'll get really drunk again and do something else (maybe worse)? do you feel uncomfortable or threatened by the thought that he finds anyone other than you attractive? do you wish that he'd told you what he'd done, despite being embarrassed?