[Hycocritical truth teller]

naaah i don't think it's a big deal. I understand how you feel on the other hand, i would react in the same way. But it's not a big deal - he was drunk as hell - he would say to male bodyguard he is hot because he probably lost sight lol

[selfinsufficient]

also, i don't want to make it a big deal if it's not. i know he was drunk, i know he wouldn't have actually done anything. i know it was just a message and it didn't ask for anything it was just making a statement about her being hot. i am conflicted as to whether i want to bring it up. it could be harmless and i don't want to make it a big deal. i thought i would be able to let go of it and forget. but as weeks have gone by i have found that it still bothers me.

[summer solstice]

yes you are right, it's really not what he said its more that he went on his facebook (which he rarely goes on facebook to begin with) and sent that to her, being sneaky as it was a private message, and seriously what was the point of doing that?

Some people do very stupid things when they're drunk. They're not thinking much about what they're doing or the 'why' of it all, yet they can still do something like send a PM on facebook. But from a sober person's point of view, it seems all pretty intentional.

What you perceive as sneaky or deceitful wasn't necessarily him being sneaky and deceitful... But it surely was him being drunk.

You seem all kinds of anxious, I figure especially for an INFP it is difficult not to speculate about the why and the what ifs. Quite some Ne (and perhaps Te doubts) going on here. You're freaking out about it, and hey, I get that, seeing how your relationship has been really great thus far (or so you make it sound and I have no reason to not believe that). I'd be pretty upset as well if I were in your shoes.

But I'm not in your shoes ^^ So yes, I do think you're freaking out like Ne on a rampage without boundaries, but not that dramatical like how we get to see it on tv. There is not necessarily a problem about him being unfaithful or something... The only problem that's really there, is the problem of your b/f getting drunk to the point of stupidly drunk.

I see what infpblog is trying to say (but he was kinda harsh :P ), and I guess there may be an issue here indeed (but not a problem yet per se): it is weird how the both of you are extremely loyal, faithful and committed, yet cannot tell each other the truth. He could've come forward and told you what happened on facebook, you could've told him you checked his facebook. You both seem to have found a partner in each other that you can trust and rely on, yet the both of you do not dare to admit you made a mistake (his PM, your snooping).

Taking into account you both put each other on pedestals and such, you guys have built up quite some expectations, or at least you have. For example: you've told him how disgusted you would be, and how you never flirt and how you expect of him that he won't. There is like no room for mistakes, definitely if he fears losing you so much. There is so much pressure about doing things right that he probably is afraid of admitting that he did something wrong. Perhaps you hold yourself in such a high regard that you feel the same; after all, you feel guilty about snooping and you haven't told him you did.

The trust that infpblog is talking about is not about your loyalty towards each other. It is in how safe enough you feel to tell each other the truth.

So, the both of you not telling each other the truth, that is avoidance of conflict, and yeah, I can see how that may become a problem in the future. That is something you'll want to address at some point, sooner or later. Right now, you can calm down, for the only problem of the moment is helping your b/f to not get that stupidly drunk again. ^^

[selfinsufficient]

@eyenexepee

that was lovely. thank you. you eased some of that anxiety you mentioned me having..

[summer solstice]

that was lovely. thank you. you eased some of that anxiety you mentioned me having..

No biggie. ^^

A wise friend of mine used to say: "What-ifs don't pay up for the emotional rent."

It is clear that you are emotionally disturbed by just discovering what happened, realizing you have actually betrayed one of your own values etc etc - so there is some rent to pay up. Going off on tangents like "What if he had messaged a total stranger" and "What if she had returned a message" and all other what-ifs that you can think of are only upsetting you more. Worse: what-ifs don't pay back the rent, they're not going to make anything easier, they don't make the truth more truthful, they don't make a lie more... 'lieful' (I just invented a word! xD ).

So you see, that's what I meant with you freaking out Ne-style: what-ifs upon what-ifs upon what-ifs. Understandable, but ungrounded and absolutely not contributing to your well being.

Part of easing down is letting go of what-ifs. My friend summed that all up in one sentence. ^_^

[Geoffrey]

am i making this too big a deal? should i just forget about it? [. . .] i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?

-----I'm sorry that you are feeling let down and probably a number of other troubling negative emotions. That must be difficult to deal with in a relationship that has brought whats sounds like much joy to you. So, I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time. Second, I am offering my opinion, but I am not telling you what to do. In short, what you do with my opinion is up to you, of course, and I respect your ability and right to make your own decisions.
-----Good and lasting relationships have a number of common components, the most important of which are:

• Good communication;
• The ability to work out disagreements calmly and openly; and
• Common values and interests.

Source: Compatibility and Your Myers Briggs Personality Type | PersonalityDesk; The Signs Of A Healthy Relationship | LIVESTRONG.COM
-----Especially when relationships, particularly intimate relationships, are very important to someone (calling all NFs, lol), these components are even more important. If you and/or your loved one are having trouble in these areas, then it is time to seek help. There is an underlying reason for why there is a lack of communication and an unwillingness to work out disagreements openly. There might be attachment issues, for example. See: Attachment in adults - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Based on what you wrote, below, I see potential anxious-attachment and/or avoidant attachment issues. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are constantly worried about being rejected/abandoned, which often leads them to "strike first," behaving in ways that are destructive to the relationship--thereby depriving themselves of the very intimacy they seek and literally driving others away. What you wrote, "he is fearful of losing me, worries about it every day," screams attachment issues. He likely needs professional help if what you wrote is accurate (and I assume it is). However, it is not a good idea for you to bring these suggestions to him, as the one thing disordered people truly fear most is that other people will see inside them--and find it ugly. This is quite unfortunate, since there is always something beautiful inside--and we all are a mixture of both positive and negative.
-----Often people with anxious attachment issues pair off with people with avoidant attachment issues. I'm not saying that you have either, by the way. However, you wrote of the idea of you texting another man, "the thought alone disgusts me." "Disgust" is a very strong word--and yet you have not openly communicated with your boyfriend about this. You are burying your feelings--disgust for your boyfriend's behavior on that occasion. I encourage you to ask yourself why you feel like you cannot or should not express your feelings to your boyfriend on this matter. Burying feelings means repressing them, but repressed feelings fester and grow more, not less, powerful--and they eventually resurface. Let me also encourage you to ask yourself this, "Would it be best for everyone involved if these issues were addressed now or after marriage (perhaps after children enter the picture)?
-----Remember that at the beginning of relationships, you are getting the other person's best behavior (this is somewhat untrue in the case of NFs). The flaws you see in the beginning are flaws that they were probably trying to hide--and behaviors typically become magnified over time (especially when not addressed).
-----Your boyfriend is an ISTJ, so how does that contextualize his comment? IMHO, it means he had a plan (even if poorly planned and badly executed) and intended to reach a goal. ISTJs tend to be very literal, pragmatic, and goal-oriented. The sending of this text may mean that he thinks his behavior is justified, or perhaps that he feels entitled. Yes, as many INFPs say, it may have meant nothing, but I think it would be a mistake to sweep this under a rug. People do tell you who they are, but it's up to us to listen. If we only see the good in someone because we choose to filter out evidence to the contrary, then we are doing ourselves a great disservice. The whole point of the "getting to know you" and often pre-martial relationship is to see whether they can be trusted--how can we be accurate if we refuse to remain open to the possibility that the other person is not trustworthy or is someone other than who we thought them to be? Obviously you have strong feelings for him, but try not to assume that because you feel that way that he does, too.
-----I've bolded the parts of the conversation, below, that seem very telling to me.
-----I wish you the best as you struggle with these issues. I hope for the best resolution and result for both of you.
All the best,
Geoffrey
~~~~----~~~~----~~~~

Right now, at this moment. I give your relationship a 50%/50% chance of making it another 3 years.
So you found out he sent a flirty text to a mutual friend. Either you trust him or don't, is not his issue, it's your issue. Whether he told you about the texting incident speaks to the level of your communication in the relationship. He didn't tell you because he didn't feel comfortable in telling you. Basically, he doesn't trust that you would handle it or that you would take it well.
You don't trust him to take it well to speak to him about this text you found and how it's bothering you. So basically, you're relationship will be built on avoiding conflict at all costs. You don't trust that you can tell the other person anything. That never bodes well.
Yes, you speaking to him will hurt him because you snooped. And yes, you will have a fight about this. If your relationship can't survive this fight, it's not going to survive when you actually run into real life issues.

@infpblog yes, very right. i am an EXTREMELY faithful, loyal, committed person. when i am in a relationship no other man exists to me, they are just people, even if i find one attractive i think nothing of it beyond a second's recognition that someone is aesthetically appealing [. . .] i would never send a flirty message like that, especially to a mutual friend. in fact, the thought alone disgusts me. yes, he knows this about me and that i expect this back, and he knows i would have been comepletely offended or worried or analyzed it if he told me. and he will do ANYTHING to avoid losing me. he is fearful of losing me, worries about it every day. i have done as much as i can to ease his fears but he knows what upsets me, and is always scared that i might leave. he has anxiety and worries excessively.

Some people do very stupid things when they're drunk. They're not thinking much about what they're doing or the 'why' of it all, yet they can still do something like send a PM on facebook. But from a sober person's point of view, it seems all pretty intentional.
What you perceive as sneaky or deceitful wasn't necessarily him being sneaky and deceitful... But it surely was him being drunk.
You seem all kinds of anxious, I figure especially for an INFP it is difficult not to speculate about the why and the what ifs. Quite some Ne (and perhaps Te doubts) going on here. You're freaking out about it, and hey, I get that, seeing how your relationship has been really great thus far (or so you make it sound and I have no reason to not believe that). I'd be pretty upset as well if I were in your shoes.
[. . .]
I see what infpblog is trying to say (but he was kinda harsh :P ), and I guess there may be an issue here indeed (but not a problem yet per se): it is weird how the both of you are extremely loyal, faithful and committed, yet cannot tell each other the truth. He could've come forward and told you what happened on facebook, you could've told him you checked his facebook. You both seem to have found a partner in each other that you can trust and rely on, yet the both of you do not dare to admit you made a mistake (his PM, your snooping).
Taking into account you both put each other on pedestals and such, you guys have built up quite some expectations, or at least you have. For example: you've told him how disgusted you would be, and how you never flirt and how you expect of him that he won't. There is like no room for mistakes, definitely if he fears losing you so much. There is so much pressure about doing things right that he probably is afraid of admitting that he did something wrong. Perhaps you hold yourself in such a high regard that you feel the same; after all, you feel guilty about snooping and you haven't told him you did.
The trust that infpblog is talking about is not about your loyalty towards each other. It is in how safe enough you feel to tell each other the truth.
So, the both of you not telling each other the truth, that is avoidance of conflict, and yeah, I can see how that may become a problem in the future. That is something you'll want to address at some point, sooner or later. Right now, you can calm down, for the only problem of the moment is helping your b/f to not get that stupidly drunk again. ^^

[infpblog]

@infpblog wow i wait for that day, i do everything i can to increase his confidence!!! i have done everything i can to make it clear to him that i am not leaving that i am in it for the long run, i want him to stop being afraid of me leaving. it offends me that he still has that fear. i have been nothing but loyal, sincere, open, and dedicated and dependable. he has severe anxiety and i have been there to support him, patient and understanding. the only thing i have not confronted him about is this situation. i think b/c i am ashamed that i snooped, and i am embarrassed that he did that. it hurts my pride.

I think you're off to good start then. It's not really your job to fix him or make him happy. He has to do that himself.

You're embarrassed that you snooped. That's natural. Whether he'll do it again if he's drunk or if he takes it farther is really beyond your control. If he does makes a grievous judgement mistake then there's nothing you can do to make him make a better decision. As long as he's clear on what your boundaries are and you're clear on what his boundaries are, the only thing you can do is figure out what to do if the boundaries get crossed when it happens and not before.

What you want to change is how you feel about this situation. This you can control. Admit you snooped. Apologize!!! Don't bring up his behavior or blame him for his behavior. Everyone makes lapses in judgment. Tell him you feel embarrassed and hurt, and that it's something you will have to process and work through. There's nothing he can to do fix that because he can't. It's been done. You can't make him make better judgment calls. He will have to want to do it on his own.

However, if you don't want to snoop again and that's not the person you want to be, then ask him to change his passwords. That's within your control. You can lead by example. Work through your trust issues when he does change his passwords. Instead of hand-holding him through his anxiety, you can face you're embarrassment and anxiety head on and grow through this incident. Hopefully he'll follow by example.

[bengalcat]

So, I'm going to take a slightly different tack here. I would definitely feel embarassed and ashamed in your position (and also a bit insecure because of what I'd read), but technically, how could he be upset that you read it? When he gave you his passwords he gave you the opportunity to find out whatever you wanted at any time. I think it'd be rather assy to give someone your passwords only as some kind of test - "oh I trust you and that's why I'm going to give you all this information right at your fingertips but also the pressure of the expectation that you won't use what I gave you because we both know you're better than that." If he's ISTJ and he explicitly gave you all his passwords, I would think that he would be quite aware of what he was doing. It seems like the whole point of such a move is to be an open book.

By this I mean to say that I agree with the others who've said that you should be able to just talk to him about this. The way you found out about this does not violate boundaries in your relationship. So if you don't want to tell him, it's more about you feeling like you let yourself down in terms of standards. But maybe this is all something for you to re-examine. I mean earlier on you said that you believe in trust, but despite this you don't seem to be able to just trust. (Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing.) The problems you're going to have seem related more to how your conflicts (with the ideals you have that you're not quite living up to) with yourself are going to come to a head and end up affecting the relationship.

I'm curious, given that this has been eating at you for weeks... would your fears really have been completely assuaged by opinions on here that what he did was not a big deal? I also think that with what you described, I'd probably wait and watch out for any other behaviour consistent with a dodgy picture. One incident is one incident. But if he reliably became a raging sleaze every time he's drunk, who claimed to be at the complete mercy of alcohol, I think I'd be a bit concerned about how far that could end up going. It doesn't take much for "But I was drunk" to become a lame excuse.

I also have to admit that I am wondering if either you are not fully emotionally secure in this relationship or if you're just generally fairly insecure about your appearance... Because it feels like you've mentioned "hotness" and physical attraction quite a lot.

[Hycocritical truth teller]

also, i don't want to make it a big deal if it's not. i know he was drunk, i know he wouldn't have actually done anything. i know it was just a message and it didn't ask for anything it was just making a statement about her being hot. i am conflicted as to whether i want to bring it up. it could be harmless and i don't want to make it a big deal. i thought i would be able to let go of it and forget. but as weeks have gone by i have found that it still bothers me.

to be honest...i literally know for a fact that i would have that bothering myself if i would find smth myself.
I don't think it's a big deal - but if it's bothering you - bring it up but don't make a fuss out of it - just resolve it with him - talk it over. Don't make it more or less big deal then it is - just say what you mean - that you don't know what to think about it - does it means smth or not - but that it's bothering you a bit and that you have a need to talk about it.
I know how it is when things hunt you - you have a need to talk about it. But you alos need to solve this with yourself and not only with him - since it's your bother. Talk it over with yourself as well - and it seems like you really don't think it is a big deal but it still bugs you. Means you personally can't get in peace with it. Don't let it hunt you - you don't have to think too much or not think about it at all - just see how you see it and try get in peace with it yourself.
But try and mention it in a nicer way - don't go all paranoid but say it is bothering you.
When it is bothering you - what do you think about it? when it's starts messing with you - what do you start to feel and think about this situation?
you said you felt betrayed... i would as well if that happened to me - but i am very familiar with that feeling. Don't bother your head too much but that doesn't mean if you don't do it - it will go away. I still think you should resolve it cuz it is messing with your peace kinda.
But if you want my personal opinion - i wouldn't have a lack of trust in him because of it - i don't think ti was that significant. :)

[selfinsufficient]

@bengalcat yeah, i don't think i am completely secure in the relationship, (one bc i have trust issues to begin with) but especially if i see things like that. part of the issue i think is he focuses on my looks a lot. since the beginning he has told me things like "you're the most beautiful girl i've ever been with," he introduced me right away to all his friends, co- workers and boss, b/c he was so proud and wanted to "show" me off. he has made it such a big deal. the sexual chemistry is strong and he is always making comments about my "sexiness" etc. if i am honest with myself it bothers me that the physical is such a big deal to him. and it leads me to think about how he sees women in general. i am not worried about him thinking another woman is "hot" of course he will, it's natural, that's not a big deal. the problem to me is that he would feel the need to send a message like that. it's a betrayal to our relationship. he is not single, why send some kind of message like that to someone? what was he hoping to get out of it? and also, if he does make the physical such a big deal, then i guess what is the difference between me and some other woman he finds hot? there are lots of "hot" women out there. (i don't like that term btw, so juvenile to describe someone that way, so diminishing). at this point i know he values my personality and loves spending time with me but it does seriously bother me that he might be so damn shallow.

i don't know, i guess i knew that i felt hurt by this but i also know that i have very high standards and maybe i shouldn't be as offended by it as i was b/c it was harmless. i was worrying about i t and hoping to find clues in other opinions as to how i should go about dealing with this. but ultimately i will have to do whatever i feel is right. and yes, he really shouldn't be that upset that i read it, especially if i explain how i came across it. i don't know then, maybe i just worry about bringing this up b/c it will be verbalizing what i did, which i don't respect about myself (the snooping) and also my fear- that is that i fear being cheated on and little incidences like that make me worry. esp when before i felt him to be the most trustowrthy person and i had absolutely NO reason to not trust him, i would have never expected something like that from him.