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This is a discussion on snooped. hurt by what i found. am i making big deal? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; @ snowbell a friend of ours has a drinking problem and basically any time my boyfriend goes out with that ...
@snowbell a friend of ours has a drinking problem and basically any time my boyfriend goes out with that friend i know be is going to come back drunk b/c that friend goads the guys into drinking a lot with him. my boyfriend doesn;t hang out with this friend that often anymore, and has especially stopped hanging out with him this past month so i think he is aware of that he gets like that when he goes out with him and is finding other ways to spend his time.
yes. i trust him completely when he is sober. but not when he is drunk. and while i understand why he didn't tell me, it still hurt finding out that way.Originally Posted by Cygnus
Sounds like a bad influence.
Was he with this friend when he sent the message to her and the texts to you?
And was it because of you intervening that he started reducing the time spent with this person?
maybe it would help to express to him just how nervous it makes you when he gets really drunk. are there other examples that you could use that wouldn't require mentioning the facebook incident?
also, is there any chance that mutual friend might mention to him that you called? i think that if i were in your boyfriend's shoes, i would probably be more upset that you went to the girl than that you snooped in the first place. if someone that i loved saw something and was bothered, i would be hurt that they didn't come to me with their concerns first. i totally get the need to want to know what happened, though, and to not want to rock the boat by telling your boyfriend what you saw.
i hope that it turns out the best possible for you. i've been in the 'know something i maybe shouldn't/ bothered by it' conundrum, and it is no fun!
Right now, at this moment. I give your relationship a 50%/50% chance of making it another 3 years.
So you found out he sent a flirty text to a mutual friend. Either you trust him or don't, is not his issue, it's your issue. Whether he told you about the texting incident speaks to the level of your communication in the relationship. He didn't tell you because he didn't feel comfortable in telling you. Basically, he doesn't trust that you could handle it or that you would take it well.
You don't trust him to take it well to speak to him about this text you found and how it's bothering you. So basically, you're relationship will be built on avoiding conflict at all costs. You don't trust that you can tell the other person anything. That never bodes well.
Yes, you speaking to him will hurt him because you snooped. And yes, you will have a fight about this. If your relationship can't survive this fight, it's not going to survive when you actually run into real life issues.
@snowbell yes he had been drinking with that friend that night. i am not sure of what time the message was sent- if he was still out with him or if he had gone home at that point- i think they were all out together still.
i have made comments about that guy's alcohol intake and so have other friends and my boyfriend has definitely paid attention. he has himself made comments about how that friend doesn't have his life together anymore. i have not intervened besides making comments like that to seed the idea. i have not outright asked or demanded anything regarding the time he spend with that friend. but i was getting to that point, in fact the last time he got very drunk with that friend i just didn't come over that night like i said i would. he took note trust me. he was texting and calling me like crazy that night begging me to come over, that he can't sleep without me, that he was scared i was mad, repeating how much he loved me and kept asking me to please love him to please not leave him. the next day when i came over i told him i would not be coming over if he is that drunk and he spent that whole day deep in thought, very depressed about the fact that he had drank so much. he has not gotten drunnk since, he has not gone out drinking with that friend since. he still hangs out the friend, but when that friend tries to make it into a drinking night my boyfriend ends the night early.
@infpblog yes, very right. i am an EXTREMELY faithful, loyal, committed person. when i am in a relationship no other man exists to me, they are just people, even if i find one attractive i think nothing of it beyond a second's recognition that someone is aesthetically appealing- they might as well be a piece of art or some other inanimate object b/c i have just as little interest. i don't need attention from other men, i don't lead other men on, i don't flirt (i am naturally nice and friendly so my friendliness has been interpreted as flirtatiousness by men at times, but i make it clear i have a boyfriend if they try to make it something more than just a friendly conversation). i would never send a flirty message like that, especially to a mutual friend. in fact, the thought alone disgusts me. yes, he knows this about me and that i expect this back, and he knows i would have been comepletely offended or worried or analyzed it if he told me. and he will do ANYTHING to avoid losing me. he is fearful of losing me, worries about it every day. i have done as much as i can to ease his fears but he knows what upsets me, and is always scared that i might leave. he has anxiety and worries excessively. thing is, he is an EXTREMELY faithful, loyal person too just as much as me, if not more. so that is why i was very surprised to read that message.
Being always scared that you might leave is a bad thing. Having to be on your best behavior all the time isn't fun and it will kill a relationship. If he's worried that he's going upset you and can't trust you'll get over it eventually, is his problem. He should have told you, had the fight and both of you should at the point where you trying to be better after this incident.
You haven't talked to him about something that clearly bothers you, shows that you don't trust that your relationship will survive a fight. Conflict averse relationships don't survive the first major fight because both parties have learn none of the skills it takes to create a better relationship after a fight. You get those skills by having small fights, fights that get to close to mutually defined boundaries. The small fights teaches you the skills to work through the big ones. You don't trust him like you did before, that's going to come out in your subconscious behavior and he'll feel like he's on the defensive. He'll won't put up with that forever. Just because he's afraid of losing you now doesn't mean that he won't get over it, develop the self-confidence to realize that his life and happiness doesn't necessarily revolve around you. What will you do when he does?
It's time you talk to him about this before your trust issues get any worse.
@infpblog that's not true, we have had i think 4 or 5 fights in the year we have been together. i have been the one to start all of them and i am always so relieved afterwards because i feel we get so much accomplished by talking about everything, even if it gets a little heated we are always closer afterwards.
@infpblog wow i wait for that day, i do everything i can to increase his confidence!!! i have done everything i can to make it clear to him that i am not leaving that i am in it for the long run, i want him to stop being afraid of me leaving. it offends me that he still has that fear. i have been nothing but loyal, sincere, open, and dedicated and dependable. he has severe anxiety and i have been there to support him, patient and understanding. the only thing i have not confronted him about is this situation. i think b/c i am ashamed that i snooped, and i am embarrassed that he did that. it hurts my pride.
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